To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

He was 18, he was a consenting adult. This is a non-issue. I have to wonder why it’s bothering you so much you’ve taken to Mumsnet. Who cares. They’ve been together three decades.

Didn’t Prince Charles get engaged to Diana when she was 19 and he was 32? They married just after her 20th birthday AND he’d dated her sister before dating her.

Also - 30 years ago was 1996. The age of consent for gay men was only lowered from 21 to 18 in 1994. It wasnt equalised to 16 until 2001.

There was a hell of a lot of prejudice around back then...and judging by this OP there still is today.

You really have to understand the environment in which today's long term gay relationships started - there are a lot of age gaps as well as couples where one or both partners were previously married to women, some with kids.

You can't judge it by today's standards.

The couple in the OP are clearly very happy together and settled. You wouldnt bat an eye at a 48 year old getting together with a 62 year old these days so who cares how they got together 30 years ago 🙄

These things aren’t equal and opposite. They’re just not.

Firstly, in a heterosexual relationship, the woman can (and often does) get pregnant. Which is the only mechanism which binds you to another person for life. So there’s that concern, which isn’t a concern for a gay couple. They can split and the younger party can walk off with zero obligation at any time.

Secondly, heterosexual relationships involve one ‘more dangerous’ male party and a physically weaker female party. 2 men is more balanced, and gay men are probably less likely to be physically aggressive.

Thirdly, all the reasons given upthread about why gay culture fosters relationships across different generations.

I have a son and a daughter. I would be concerned if my daughter was with a 32 year old at 18 simply because he’s of ‘settling’ age and I would worry about him rushing her into settling. If DS was gay, my only concerns about such an age gap would be ‘I hope they’re nice and treat him well for his first relationship’ but then I would think that whatever age the partner was.

Ffs Op he was an adult. And honestly - why on earth are you even thinking about this - it literally doesn’t affect you at all - are you going to report them to the police for something?! I swear to god some people just look for problems where there is none. They’ve been together for so long too!!

Have you read the many, many responses here from heterosexual people, speaking about their own similar experiences? Nobody's "falling over themselves" about anything here.

My dh was 24 and I was 17, still together nearly 20 years later! Im sure they are loosing sleep over your opinion. 😂

How do you think they would feel about you describing their relationship as ‘beyond grim’?

You need to get out more

In some conservative communities in the UK it might have been. But 30 and indeed 40 years ago in London I had gay friends (men and women) settling down together, buying houses as couples etc - not remotely in secret

18is and very much was an adult. Bit of an age gap, together 30 years. How does this impact you?! And give you the right to judge it “beyond grim”?

Sooooo many “grimmer” things out there to go fill “beyond” over than a lasting monogamous relationship over 3 decades w a bit of an age gap.

It used to be relatively common for male gay couples to have age gaps, but not so much now. It makes me laugh when people excuse it because they're gay, but how would they look at a relationship between a 32 year old male and an 18 year old female.

at what point would you the people saying it is grim thinking isn’t grim? When the younger male was 21? 25? 40? What is the exact age where you go from that’s grim to that’s fine?

But to the OPs point, yes 18 was then and is extremely young to be dating someone in their 30s and at the time I would have been very uncomfortable - if the youngster was my son say. But as it seems to have been a great match after all, I think I'd have probably eventually come to accept it was an OK situation.

Have you considered seeking advice about your spontaneously laughing at things that aren't remotely funny?

Age gap yes - but not uncommon. I fail to see why you feel it is ‘grim’

30 years together though. I’d imagine meeting when he was just 18 his partner will quite possibly have been his one and only love. Well done to them! What a thing to celebrate!!

OP, how does this actually affect you?

30 years ago was 1996! Hardly taboo. You gave to go back to the 60’s for that

Perhaps she could tell them.

I get where you're coming from, I think age gaps can be really problematic.

Ofc, there's nothing to be done about it but I don't think you're BU to think something you've just found out about is "grim". It's not like you're showing up outside their house and ringing a bell, branding the older one a nonce with a megaphone.

It's new news and it caught you off guard. Your mum is being defensive bc she knows her friend and they're happy and still in love. She just sees it differently to you. I don't think the pair of you will ever agree so it's probably best to not discuss it much further.

The actor Aaron Taylor Johnson seems happy and in love with his wife, but I'll never not think it's beyond creepy that a woman in 40s went after a literal teenager she was directing in a film. Just seeing photos of them when they first got together and she was pregnant, he looks like a child. It's creepy. They're still together and seem happy and maybe they are and always will be. Or maybe he'll have a breakdown and feel he was taken advantage of. Age gaps are complex. It can be weird when you learn about one in your life.

You don't need to tolerate anything. It's none of your business.

That's the thing about a sense of humour, some people have it and some don't. And there are different types too, see my username.
If you haven't heard people say it before, it's a phrase that means something is amusing or seems slightly absurd.

Met my husband when I was 20 and he was 33, been married for 42 years. Who are you to judge? You should mind your own business and find yourself a hobby to occupy your time.

Exactly this. People are different, but this seems to be unacceptable to the OP.

When I was 17 I met a 33 year old guy and we dated for two years, til I dropped him. Im a little younger than your mum but not much. . I didn’t seem odd to me at the time but now when I look back I feel a bit Urgh about it. He was though a decent and honest guy snd it did not seem weird or Pervy. Also I always attracted older men for some reason. If they are happy snd it’s not a Pervy thing, I think be happy for them.