To think this is beyond grim?

[stunnedbythis]

I was talking to my mum this afternoon, she mentioned that one of her friends is celebrating thirty years living with his boyfriend. It suddenly occurred to me to ask how old they were when they met because her friend doesn't look old enough, and she said he was 18 and his boyfriend was about 32. I knew there was an age gap, but I can't help but think this is really, really grim.

My mum go really defensive about this as she's very close to her friend and to some extent his boyfriend too, but she said things were very different 30 years ago and that it was her friend who did all the chasing (she's know this friend since he was about 16/17 as they worked in the same shop for a while). She said he met this man in a pub and they just hit it off.

My mum is in her 60s now and has a very different outlook, I asked her how she'd feel if one of my children turned 18 and started dating someone in their thirties, but all she could say is "its different now". How is it different?? What am I missing?

What about the BBC star starting a relatioship with an underage gay man?
Well... two of them, at least!
This young man was 18, at least. And, there is an age gap, but they are a stable long run couple. So I doubt there is abuse here.
But there is a lot of grooming and predatory behaviour in the gay world indeed. I feel like we spend a lot of time safeguarding young women, but we kind of forget about young men, particularly, young gay men.

Plenty of normal regular people leading to successful long term relationships. Times haven’t changed other than we now have the internet allowing anonymous competitive preaching at a safe distance.

30 years ago? What the mid 90s? I don’t think so!! In the 60s maybe, like 60 years ago.

How about Mary having a baby with God? How old was he?

I was 18 when I met my husband at work (then 33), we didn’t develop even a friendship until I was 20, and then we started socialising together, and got together when I was 21 and he was 36. We were together and married with four children for 23 wonderful years until
he suddenly died two years ago. There was nothing grim or weird about any part of our relationship, and certainly no power imbalance. I have friends ranging from almost 20yrs younger than me, to 30+ yrs older than me. Funnily enough, most of whom I’ve met in a working capacity, but who I now wouldn’t be without.

You should probably broaden your horizons OP, you may find your life is much fuller and more fulfilling.

Ffs get over yourself, you are being ridiculous! It’s got fuck all to do with you!

It's none of your business really is it?
How does this impact on your life?
Why does it matter to you?
Did this really need a post on the internet?

This is true. So many parents now seem to micro manage their children's lives. Its a regular topic on mumsnet. Im 65 this year, pissed about at school, flunked my o levels. I was told in no uncertain terms by my dad to get a job or get out. My first job in 1977 paid £17 net a week and half of that went to my parents for board.

Blimey.
I've always had friends older and younger than me. One of my longest-standing friends is almost 30 years my senior.

Honestly, OP, it broadens your perspective to have friends from different generations and backgrounds to your own.

A lot of people will fall over themselves to tell you anything's OK if gay men do it. Bet you wouldn't get the same set of responses if it were a heterosexual couple. It's pandering.

Wait til you hear that the DJ Chris Evan’s in his mid 30s married 18 year old Billie Piper and very few people commented on that at the time. It was a thing then. It’s less of a thing now. Your mum’s friends have lasted so it was the right choice for them. Your perpetual naïveté is just irritating

Think the fact it’s last 30 years speak for itself really

You'd think that lasting for 30 goddamn years would be enough to make people put away the judgeypants but apparently not.

A few posters have mentioned that age gaps are more common in gay and lesbian relationships but it's worth explaining why, for the benefit of small-minded people like the OP.

Conventional heterosexual life stages do not generally apply to gay people. (Neither do they apply to all straight people!) The timeframe of gay men's lives is not determined by having and raising children (and the associated conventions around settling down and buying property etc). Once you remove that framework, there's no reason an 18-year-old and a 30-year-old can't be at the same "life stage" when it comes to falling in love and wanting to commit to a partner.

Then think about how and why most straight people's social circles tend to comprise people their own age - it's because you were thrown together because you were in the same year at school, or university, or you were both new graduates in a job. If you have friends who aren't similar in age to you, it's often because you met them through a specific hobby or interest or activity - in other words getting out of your "default" social circle. LGBT people tend to have to get out of their "year group" in order to find partners in the first place, and LGBT social scenes contain a far greater age range because the thing bringing people together is a shared sexuality, not being in the same generation.

And on top of that, the deeply individual nature of coming out means that age and experience just aren't correlated in LGBT scenes. You'll get 30-something men who are easily the least experienced people on the scene because it's taken them a decade to come to terms with their sexuality - whereas an 18-year-old in a gay club is likely to be extremely confident for his age.

I think the PP alluded to the younger man being the party boy who did the chasing and that makes total sense - it's a very common dynamic.

"To think that this was beyond grim"

What a ridiculously OTT title and subject!

16 and 61 yes, but certainly not 18 and 32!!

Good grief.

30 years ago people were openly and proudly gay FGS !!!! Some would keep it private like some do now, but being gay was pretty mainstream in 1996.

Nothing could be less your business.

.The 90's were fucking brilliant.
Less judgemental.
QED.

"in her teens"
She was an adult. Some people are fully grown up then.

What are you trying to get out of this post? They are happy, your Mum is happy, yes things were different in all sorts of ways 30years ago. But does it really affect you?

Yes, I agree. I've got friends in their 20s and friends in their 80s!

I'm sorry for your loss 💐.
I'm glad you had all those happy years together. Some people are just very simplistic and judgemental.

Yes, I think "just a teenager" is only recently being used to describe an adult!

Age gap romances are verboten? People aren't allowed to have friends outside their own age group? Sounds like this is a you problem, OP.

You're being very odd OP. Can't imagine why you're so concerned about a happily married couple, are you a particularly rigid thinker?

MN is really odd sometimes, you get people saying let their 14 year old child sleep with their boy friends or girl friends because they will do it anyway, which I find pretty grim. But an 18 year old adult man can't have a relationship with an older man, it would have fizzled out if the age difference was a problem but it didn't, it resulted in a 30 year relationship (so far), what's not to like?