DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

Do not do this. It will still be wrong and will be another stick to beat you with.

@bendmeoverbackwards my brother is autistic, the worst thing you can do is blame ASD brain, this sounds like a flippant older teenager playing the autistic card and you pandering to it. I'd tell her she's an adult and needs to learn to make a decision or she’ll get nothing.

But the adaptation for that is the autistic person learning coping mechanisms for that disappointment and other people giving them time and space to employ those techniques and supporting them in doing so if needed/appropriate. It isn't to make sure every day lives up to the autistic person's expectations in every way, because that's both impossible and unreasonable.

Another time give her money. I wouldn't bother with presents or treats unless she suggested one herself. Offer to go with her to choose a gift. You're bending over backwards to be nice but it's not working or rather not pleasing her which obviously as a nice mum is your aim.

Blaming autism for her behaviour is hugely insulting. That attitude is from being spoiled and pandered to by you, not autism. She can be both.

Why do you allow her to tell your husband to fuck off? What did you say to her before sobbing? Interrogation in your bedroom. Tell her to fuck off.

She's a grown woman having a year long tantrum about a bit of chocolate on a cake board. No more birthday cakes. Money in a card as a gift. Set the expectations now and put a stop to this behaviour.

I agree you sound like you have the patience of a saint quite frankly. It doesn’t seem like you can do anything right. I assume you are tuned to supporting and helping her as you have done all her life. I would take a bit of a step back, difficulties or not she’s an adult now and needs to live in an imperfect world. I’m not sure going to so much effort is necessarily helpful in the long run. I can see your husbands POV.

Just stop celebrating them from next year on. Give her money and a card.

I emphasise as my autistic teen daughter is similar. Out of school, very little social life, can't articulate what she wants. I think it makes it hard to compare to others because you want them to have a nice experience on special days because they have so little going on in the rest of their lives. Is there a special interest she has that you could feed into a nice activity?

Agree with this. People with autism can also just be massive pains in the arse sometimes. To clarify I mean not because of the autism

I have two AuDHD young adult kids… you do know not everything needs to be blamed on or excused by their autism?

It is actually okay to get pissed off with their rude and inconsiderate behaviour and tell them so. It’s also okay to disengage. My eldest can be very manipulative, selfish and rude - if I let her. I push back every time now - it doesn’t help them to be allowed to behave like this and they need to learn to be considerate of others, to understand that their behaviour and attitudes are hurtful to the people around them and if they continue like this they will have no friends.

Even if there is PDA, you can say: I’ve booked restaurant A and B, which would you like to go to? Would you like cake X or Y? Neither? Fine. I’m sad that you don’t want a meal out or a cake, but it’s your choice.

And then ignore the sulking.

You sound like a lovely mum.
And she sounds like an arse who happens to have autism.

What did she do for your birthday? She is 19 and having a year ling tantrum about a bit of cake being thrown away a year ago. She isn't going to move on and have the life she wants if you keep indulging this behaviour. Autistic or not, she's can't expect the whole world to revolve around her. If she finds birthdays hard, that's fine. You don't have to celebrate them. She isn't allowed to keep haranging you about a forgotten second cake from a year ago. You are a person too.

I think the best thing you can do for her is point out that this isn't an acceptable way to behave (unless she has learning difficulties or another reason why this isn't possible)

I'll preface it by saying I am also autistic.
What seems to be the issue here is that your daughter has her own timeframe and you want to do everything "properly" on the actual day of her birthday. If it takes he months to decide what presents she wants, that surely doesn't matter because she gets what she wants when she wants it. Which, to my autistic brain sounds infinitely better than getting something I didn't want just because someone thought it would be more appropriate based on arbitrary timeframe.
My birthday is in Autumn, I frequently only come up with present ideas around Spring. My granny always used to give me cash in advance, but it's been years now since I asked he to simply hold on to the cash until I find something I like/want/need.
Same really with restaurants, days out etc. I don't want someone to book something for me precisely on or around the date of my birthday simply because it is my birthday. I will come up with options, just not when it may be acceptable for others.
I am obviously a lot older than your daughter so have learned to cope with middle ground. But decisions made on my behalf are often the absolute worse triggers for me as well as arbitrary timing. I can cope with work deadlines but absolutely cannot cope with the fact that my birthday celebrations have to happen on by birthday and not when I want them/ready for them.
In childhood and teenage years, it was also immensely helpful for me to have closed choices i.e. Option 1 - XYZ pizza restaurant, Option 2 - day out in Y town, Option 3 - do nothing. I've picked option 3 a fair bit and it was accepted that that's what I wanted with no further celebrations "forced" upon me just because others felt bad for not making a fuss on my birthday.

Yes but the adaptation has to be reasonable and helpful to the person. Planning in advance, choices, clear communication - all reasonable and helpful (and OP did try all of this first).

But apologising and running around trying to fix ‘mistakes’ resulting from not being able to mind-read ‘exactly how they pictured it’ is neither reasonable nor helpful.

This. You can’t be a firefighter if you are a wheelchair user. There are no reasonable adjustments that can make this happen so if that is your dream you will inevitably be disappointed.

The key is what adjustments for ASD are actually reasonable and able to be implemented. Not every situation will be able to be modified so as to avoid overwhelm or meltdowns. Some things will just need to be off the table as they are for other people with other disabilities or limitations.

Also the person has to take some responsibility for understanding what adjustments they need and requesting those as other people are not mind readers and we are continually told that of course everyone with ASD is an individual and we cannot make assumptions.

In this case OPs DD needs to participate in agreeing what a good birthday celebration would be like for her which OP continually offered to do. Perhaps, as others have said, it’s just not going to be something that she’ll ever enjoy so best avoided.

I do worry when parents speak of the huge amount of ‘scaffolding’ they are required to do so that their adult child can function in the world how that is sustainable in the long run. At what point does the person learn to manage their own disability needs? And if they don’t then they go else is going to be responsible?

Blaming autism for her behaviour is hugely insulting. That attitude is from being spoiled and pandered to by you, not autism. She can be both.

I agree with this.

I completely understand and have experience of autism, but I don't allow it to be a reason/excuse for my child to be rude.

Just wanted to send a hug. Your post really struck a chord. Birthdays have always been a challenge in this way with my eldest DD. You come out of them feeling a bit ragged sometimes.

A few people have said that the DD might not be into birthday celebrations at all. That might be true, but given that she compared her cake to her sister's and was upset that hers wasn't as special, it seems that it is important to her that she receives the same 'fuss' as others, even if she then doesn't actually want to do the things. I don't think OP will find that pulling back will be the 'right' answer in the DD's eyes - which is why it might be best all round to accept that there isn't one.

If the people posting on this thread have no lived experience of autism and pda then ignore them There opinion is not relevant.

as Rachel says in friends. No uterus no opinion.

I understand the rigidity of thinking that goes with autism, and also the meltdowns when things don't go to plan, but I think you're making too many excuses for her and that she is a spoilt brat.

She's not too severe to be able to cope with the theatre or a restaurant setting, I think you're making too many allowances for her 'autistic brain.'

I agree with PP that birthdays cause overwhelm and you need to back off a bit. You need to speak to her when she is calm.

Someone with autism is still way behind peers with things like emotional reasoning and social skills. They say a third behind peers. So at 19 she is actually about 12/13 despite being bright and academic.

always bear that in mind

She shouldn't have demanded a second cake and you shouldn't have offered.

This is not autism, this is a spoilt brat being nasty to her mum because she can. She has the power to make you run round in circles, or hop on the spot. Or buy two birthday cakes. Or book two restaurants. By pandering to this you're just making her unlikeable.

My sisters cake is better than mine. They're both nice cakes, this is yours. I want a better one. Yu can have this one or none. None! OK we'll have this one then.

I've booked a restaurant for your birthday. I don't want to go there because you chose it. OK, book somewhere yourself and we'll go there. When she doesn't, oh well that's a shame.

I don't think anyone would tell the OP to accept this behaviour from a neurotypical 12 year old.

It really is astonishing that people.come on a thread about a young person they dont know and say.unhelpful and frankly offensive things like...oh my neighbours son is autistic and he doesnt struggle in this way

Amazingly not all Nd people are the same

Yes, but equally we get parents of autistic children on these threads - including this one - saying that autistic people can't do this or that or you can't expect them to understand whatever, as though they ARE all the same.

Which is it?

Agree. Just stop. You can't do this twice a year for birthday/Christmas for the rest of your life. Offer money/meal out once and that's your job done.

Have you asked her whether she'd prefer to not do something for her birthday? Set aside a budget each year and say you have 'x amount' to spend on a day out and gifts and it can be redeemed at any point between one birthday and the next.

It sounds like she's wanting the experience her sister has, but she doesn't actually enjoy the pressure of the day then gets upset because she's not experiencing her birthday as she 'should' do. It's ok for her to do thigs differently, but she can't lash out at people if she hasn't articulated the issue and come up with an alternative suggestion. I think the default going forward should be plan to do nothing for her birthday without her input as you don't want her to get upset and take it out on the family again.