DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

I am sending empathy as my 13 year old autistic daughter is difficult in this way around all celebrations.

And almost certainly autistic DH isn't the easiest and turns 60 this year!

All I'm going to say is there is absolutely no rule you HAVE to celebrate a birthday so as the pp said, you could take "option 3".

Have you seen that book "Let them"? I wonder if it would help.

How do you know we don't? My teens are both ND. My dd in particular can be quite exacting and difficult but I have pushed back.more as she's getting older. They have to know that the world at large cannot and will not be fitted around them. Everyone has competing needs..a person who can't wear headphones should need to learn they cant then listen to audio while travelling on public transport as others might have difficulty with that noise. If you absolutely will only eat food a very particular certain way, you cant expect a restaurant to accommodate that on spec if its outside the now commonly accepted range of allergens, and even then, if it's a life or death nut allergy, no restaurant will 100% guarantee. Living in the world means everyone, ND or not needs to build in some flexibility.

Thing is, her dd may be unable to make the link between her action and the consequence.

my H can’t.

I am about to start using a flow chart type approach to see if that helps him to see the link, after his support worker says he often draws such diagrams to help him remember what she is saying.

Hard disagree. I do have experience with autism. It doesn’t make somebody a far flung category of human. People with autism still have full autonomy and are fully capable of acting like an arsehole. It’s actually also quite insulting to pretend otherwise and blame autism for everything like autism equals the right to behave like an emotional bully.

People claiming experience or understanding autism then calling the daughter a brat have zero idea what it’s like.

shes 19 and probably emotionally only about 13. There are too many questions and options about a single day and it’s stressing her out. OP is still framing it in NT terms, it’s your one birthday a year and that doesn’t work for her daughter. It’s misunderstanding and that’s ok.

I wish NT people truly understood. At 19 I had the emotional maturity of a ten year old. It took me into my 30s to get to the emotional maturity of a 19 year old. It’s really hard
to explain, it’s not about needing to grow up or mature. It’s a developmental delay. It’s not being a Brat it’s fixing overwhelming.

OP you are doing your best and I truly appreciate how hard it is because you have no idea how to placate your daughter and she has no idea how to placate herself or you. That pressure is huge for you both and you need to sit down and have a conversation about both your feelings around this. She doesn’t sound like she’s acting spoiled she has too many things to think about. I stopped doing birthdays altogether because they’d never match up to what I’d see others doing for a multitude of reasons. I didn’t have friends to have a party. I didn’t drink alcohol to have a riot. I wanted both things badly just to be normal but didn’t have and still don’t really have the friends one and didn’t like the other. We can help being rude and you’ll know yourself when your daughter is being an arse and when she can’t help it (autistic brain) others here won’t. There isn’t a solution to this problem really other than explaining to each other and asking if she wants birthdays to pass unremarkably and take note of comments nearer the time if that changes.

Autistic people who have not been helped to have insight into themselves or how to understand or relate to others, even if that understanding remains theoretical rather than felt, can and do cause immense suffering to those closest to them, including spouses and their children. They can also cause immense suffering to themselves.

Your daughter is a spoilt brat. You are pandering to her. You’ve come here for advice. Tell her you “owe” her no gifts, that it was she who ruined her own birthday and that now she is an adult you will no longer be asking her what she wants. She also needs to apologise to both you and her father. You have to take stock and realise the monster you’ve created. And you can control your behaviour so start with the word “no”. Learn to walk away.

OK, draw a line in the sand. From today all historic gift requests or promises are null and void. Moving forward. On September 1st you need to start thinking what you want for Christmas as tell me by November 1st. On December 1st you need to start thinking what you want for your birthday and tell me by February 1st. If you're late. You'll get money.

If she's late and gets money and complains you say matter of factly, calmly. "Yeah that's a shame you couldn't decide what you wanted. Maybe next time." And get on with your life. If she kicks off, starts telling you to fuck off or anything like that you say "OK I see you're upset about getting money, so I'll have it back."

You don't get to be nasty to people because the gift they've given you isn't good enough.

Autism doesn't make you nasty or rude, people teaching you that having Autism gives you the right to be nasty and rude does.

I'm autistic. I know many autistics, the arseholes all have pandering parents or grandparents.

OP - I imagine this is a hard thread to come back to. At home you just want things to be calm no matter what as otherwise life is uncomfortable but ultimately at 19, your daughter is an adult. You no longer have a right to “parent” her but you do have a right to set boundaries on what is acceptable in your home.
I’d focus on setting boundaries to protect yourself, your DH and other members of the family, and trying to help facilitate a return to education, training or any volunteering to get her into a peer group that isn’t the family.

You may need to go down the social stories route.
I think she is getting overwhemed with the possibilities.
"On our birthday we have cake (picture of cake). Each year we have a new cake but it doesn't have to be different (picture of same cake). Each birthday we start again..." etc.

This is where I would target - there’s so much support she could access (and you could too). I would could you frame it that you want strategies to help her so this situation doesn’t arise again and that you could both attend some sessions with a psychologist to explore that? Get someone very knowledgeable in this area and potentially with links to GP so medication could be explored at a later stage if it was felt useful.

She is 19 with no mention of intellectual issues. I’m not sure a picture board will
hit the mark?

But isn't that crossing the line into just unacceptable behaviour? Telling her Dad to f off?

I say this as an autistic person, she needs to be more resilient. Sometimes (often!) things don't go our way, and it simply can't be the end of the world, else we'd never go anywhere or do anything.
NHS support for autism (in my area at least) is virtually non-existent, but there are coaching options out there for autistic people nowadays if private is an option, and lots of free resources too.
I do think you need to work together - she takes months to choose a present so you decide for her. I know you're trying to be helpful, but in that instance, it doesn't matter if she doesn't get something on time, so go with what works for her. Put the money to one side so it's ready when she is. She can either start the months and months process before her birthday if she wants something on the day, or she can have it when she's made her mind up after.

Parent of autistic children here

I think you are trying too hard (I understand why), overwhelming her a bit but also then letting her get under your skin when you can’t meet her (impossible) requirements.

ASD or not she is an adult who will need to find some coping mechanisms. You can help by dropping the rope and supporting her to find to ways cope with difference in treatment, unexpected changes etc. If she can’t or won’t make decisions for herself thinking about why - is it overwhelming? Break down to 2 options only. Does she not want a fuss? Don’t make one then.
If she later changes her mind, plans etc and kicks off then you have to put your own boundaries in place and quietly walk away.

Put the present money in her account and say it’s there for her but you’re happy to shop with her if and when she chooses to buy something. Sounds harsh but it doesn’t matter if she doesn’t like it, it’s the only way she can choose her own presents without it remaining your problem. Could she have a second savings account specifically for present money?

You sound like a lovely mum! You have so much patience! She sounds like a pain in the arse, even if she can’t help it entirely. Admire you for persevering.

I can’t begin to dive into how patronising that is.

OP her behaviour is unacceptable. The fact she refuses to go and get help for this behaviour means you do not have to put up with it. If someone is willing to help themselves to stop making other people's lives a misery then that is one thing, but when they refuse to get help then that's on them.

She's an adult now, you need to sit her down and tell her in no uncertain terms that this will not be happening again. You've gone on wild tangents promising her certain things that you never should have promised and both of you are now in a right mess.

The world won’t be exactly the way she expects it to be though. She has to learn strategies to manage that.

This..

The difference is:

• its very different to compare someone with a physical impairment who can't do something if their life depends on it, versus someone who has a range of things they find very uncomfortable, or that they don't like, and prefer to avoid.
• providing ramps etc mean that wheelchair users actually function/access what they need to. What we are seeing in some instances with neurodiversity is that all the accomodations provided aren't actually improving outcomes in terms of people completing their education to a good standard, or being able to manage work. Its just removing demands on people so they stop complaining or are "happier". In many instances its not actually enabling them to access school or work. We are spending more on SEN per head than ever before, yet have more and more young people emerging from education unable to work.

Your DD is an adult and her behaviour is that of a petulant teenager. Regardless of whatever diagnosis she may or may not have, she cannot control everyone else, which is what she’s trying to do here. Time for a bit of tough love here.

“Hey DD, I can see your birthday didn’t go as you wanted it to, but I’m not a mind reader. For next year, if you want to do something in particular, you need to let me know 2 weeks beforehand so I can sort it. Same with your birthday present. You can choose something or I can give you cash, just let me know. The gift budget is £100.”

Stop trying to second guess her, or giving her multiple options.

She is not being inflexible on purpose but, kindly, you are feeding her inflexibility by being so flexible yourself.
Just offer her the options, and then shrug your shoulders and say oh well. She will learn to cope better with disappointment if you believe she can.

People with autism are more than capable of enjoying a birthday or at least fully understanding that they need to make a effort (even if it's partially masked) to appreciate other people arranging a celebration for them. She's clearly fully verbal and capable of everyday tasks so she's not low support needs.

Sadly it sounds like the years out of school hasn't done her any favours because she doesn't have many friends or interact regularly with other people. Many isolated autistic people end up developing main character syndrome or even a form of narcissism where the entire world revolves around their own needs and they cannot (or will not) attempt to put themselves into anyone else's shoes.

Everything is blamed on being autistic, which is "neurological" and therefore absolves them of all blame or need to make an effort. You see that a lot on MN where people insist that there cannot be different categories of being autistic because they secretly love the idea of having an unchangeable, terminal and severe "disability". It's clearly evident in that one comment comparing autism to a wheelchair. It means they can blame any tiny discomfort they experience on their condition instead of putting in the effort to make it more tolerable or even enjoyable.

1-2 decades ago when autism was less accommodated for, many ND kids simply masked and muddled through school and uni. They learned how to mask but as a result they developed more independent living skills and managed to hold down jobs and find partners. There would be a slightly high MH cost, but arguably, the MH of someone not in school, not in work and unable to compromise over a cake is also far from ideal.

Seconded entirely. This whole thread is an interesting example of how we trivialise motherhood and the sometimes exhausting duties it imposes.

Fundamentally, being a ‘lovely mum’ is not abour cakes and birthday meals and celebrations - it’s about helping our children to have the skills and insight and strength they will need to function as adults, without causing suffering to themselves and innocent people who come into contact with them. OP has lost sight of this, and is not helping her daughter by focusing on the cake etc, rather than on ways in which she can support her daughter into behaviour patterns less likely to have a destructive effect on her own life. I do feel sorry for her daughter - but because of this, and what it may mean for her future, not because of the ‘cake fail’.