DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

Can't she be spoilt and autistic?

The bottom line is that she has to learn how to manage in the world whether she has ASD, PDA, OCD or whatever. She is of normal intelligence so she can learn some strategies and she urgently needs to do that if her life chances are going to improve.

It’s all very well throwing a strop over a cake or an ice cream flavour when you are 10 years old but not when you are 19. No one in the outside world is going to put up with the level of unpleasant behaviour from her that you are doing OP. You are doing her no favours in the long run by bending over backwards to accommodate her as far as you do and in any case it doesn’t work.

If she won’t engage with a therapist I still think you should get one for the rest of the family and they can work with changing the system response to her behaviour. You can be compassionate and loving without being a door mat

I feel bad for her feeling bad, but I think you need to realise she’s upset about a lot of things and no amount of cake, treats or pizza is going to sort it. You can’t keep trying to get everything exactly right for her, because actually she needs to learn that other people are fallible and do their best, and it’s a really strong good in her if she can learn to say thank you and move on. It isn’t healthy or right for a 19 year old (whatever their ND) to be griping over a tiny bit of chocolate on some cardboard a year ago, and my worry is by apologising and humouring her about this she will continue to think this kind of thinking is valid.

I expect as she grows out of her teenage years this will gradually pass but she probably needs some support to do that - and I guess that involves you realising you have a grown up on your hands too and expecting more adult attitudes from her in a way that’s appropriate for her.

She’s 19. She’ll get over it. If she doesn’t that’s tough. I’d say she has bigger issues than her birthday but bless you, this is exhausting just to read.

OP autistic or nor she's more than old enough to understand the consequences of acting so disrespectfully. She's not a baby. 'Autistic brain' might make it more difficult to cope with things not going quite the way she wants but it isn't an excuse for her to behave like this. If my dd acted like this I would just start putting money in her card and wouldn't bother with a meal out or a cake and I'd make it very clear why... and she's 7!

ASD isn't the reason that so many kids are growing up antisocial and unable to cope with life. This is happening because we're pandering to all kids too much and not being realistic about consequences.

Name changed for this.

Your dd’s behaviour reminds me very strongly of my mother, who was diagnosed with autism late in life. Despite the late diagnosis, her (very loving) birth family clearly knew there was something ‘wrong’ with her, or ‘different’, at an early stage, and like your dd she was treated with kid gloves in childhood and early adulthood and expected this to continue.

Of course, it didn’t continue as adult life is not like this!

Her inability to accept this meant that as a parent she behaved in ways that were abusive and terrifying. My childhood was a deeply distressing one. And her own adult life has been characterised by great disappointment, loneliness and loss in consequence of her behaviour.

I do think your priorities here are very misplaced. Rather than asking ‘how can I make birthdays better?’ (because you have asked about this before on other threads) you should be asking ‘how can I help dd to learn the skills she will need to cope with adult life without behaving in ways that will cause distress to herself and others?’. Because at the the moment it is not just that dd is not learning those skills - rather you are (unintentionally) encouraging her in patterns of behaviour that are completely contrary to them!

This is not kind and will not help her in life - though it will get loads of posters on mumsnet telling you what a lovely mum you are.

I think from what you have said your dd has refused to engage with outside help. So I think your first step needs to be for you to engage with that help - find a specialist (psychologist who works with autistic people maybe?) who can give you advice and support on what steps you can take, in your daily interactions, to encourage more constructive patterns of behaviour in your dd. You will need to engage yourself with the support she has refused, and feed that into how you engage with her

This will not be easy I appreciate but the issue here is NOT birthdays - it is that your dd has been encouraged by you to develop patterns of behaviour that in later life will almost certainly cause misery to her & those around her. I think from your other threads you are to some extent already seeing this start to play out in your home.

Please give her the support she needs, which is not about cakes, or birthdays, or presents, but vital life skills to stop her being intensely disliked in life outside the family home. That is what being a lovely mum needs to look like for you, not trips to the theatre or extra cakes.

Yes but truly the number of parents bending themselves into pretzels to accommodate the most ridiculous, borderline abusive control from their adult children ‘because they’re autistic’ is insane.

From a societal perspective it’s a disaster. I shudder to think about the future colleagues/neighbours/whatever of this girl. And the thousands more like her.

I would say not wanting to go out for a fancy meal and not having a list of gifts ready in advance of her birthday would indicate that she isn’t “spoilt” or has high expectations, but I could be wrong.

I agree with this. I hate birthdays and the associated things. Very few people actually know when my birthday is. You say you have to keep asking her about things - maybe that is an indication she just doesn't want them.

It really is astonishing that people.come on a thread about a young person they dont know and say.unhelpful and frankly offensive things like...oh my neighbours son is autistic and he doesnt struggle in this way

Amazingly not all Nd people are the same

Its absolutely horrible to feel so trapped by your own mind.

I imagine this is a teen without the normal friendship group to celebrate with which is painful for her and her mum as well.

Op. You can only do your best it sounds like her mental health is not good regardless of the autism and you can only keep being caring and honest with her. Its exhausting for you as caregiver

She needs a redo. Offer a redo birthday.

Would you say the same to a wheelchair user?

Do you shudder to think of their future colleagues/neighbours/whatever because they may need adaptions? Or is it different because autism isn’t always a visible disability?

Yes me too.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5449750-to-not-know-how-to-make-dds-birthdays-better?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=share

There's more than one way to be spoiled. Spoiled can mean having all of your preferences, wishes, demands met regardless of the impact on everyone else or how difficult or unreasonable or changeable those demands are. If this happens throughout childhood, autism or not, it ultimately creates an individual who expects the works to revolve around them and who will find adult life near impossible.

Why would a wheelchair user be making ridiculous demands about birthday cake and stropping over something minor that happened a year ago?

But she’s NOT telling you

explain this to her. She knows what she wants but she’s hoping you’ll mind read.

Having 2 cakes then saying it has to be in a certain order isn’t how the world works, you’re trying to please her when you should have been gently teaching her that life won’t bend to her all the time and change happens.

shes going to be unhappy about a lot of things, this is life. You’ve been trying to jump higher and higher and it’s now unsustainable

as she’s now an adult, scale things back, set fixed examples of what you are going to do.

it’s a colin cake, it’s takeaway, it’s £50 in your bank account

lower the expectations. She probably won’t like it, but she doesn’t like when you put in ridiculous amounts of effort, so when she complains, you’ll feel less pissed off/resentful.

its gentle consequences.

This sounds so hard. I think for the sake of your own feelings maybe accept your Dd is actually unable to enjoy a birthday celebration. She mentally feels pressure for it to be perfect but she doesn’t know what constitutes perfection, therefore doomed to be disappointed. It was never possible for you to “get it right”

My own DC are younger and can get like this in a childish way. I try to diffuse the event a bit so party on a different day from birthday tea at home; decorating the day before birthday (we get a happy birthday sign on the kitchen wall), making party invites on another day after school, then a couple of days before party we do things like filling party bags together. Gifts from party opened one per day afterwards. So lots of little things but spread over a “birthday week” or fortnight

Nothing you were ever going to do was going to be good enough, trust me. She’s not upset at the effort you made, she’s upset about something else. I remember a similar age I saw all my friends with boyfriends, getting flowers, taken out, friends were given gifts by their closest friends, a night out was always organised. Bottle of champagne whilst they were getting ready. Your daughter would have seen all of this on social media from her friends the same age… same as I did. She’s taking it out on you but it’s not your fault, her autism just stops her communicating what’s really bothering her.

You sound like a lovely mum, but this can't continue. You are blaming yourself for forgetting to buy the other cake- don't feed into this behaviour. One day in the long distance future you will be gone, and no one will be putting up with this behaviour ( not never a specialist medical centre). What is the long term plan for her life?

If you're out of education for a few years and have a lovely caring mum like yourself who tries their best to fulfil your wishes, then it's so hard to acquire the functioning and adaptive skills for independent life.

I work in a teaching adjacent field. We see a lot of autistic young adults from high to mid functioning. Some will be never be able to function alone for example on a trip to town, some live independently. However there's a massive difference between those who have stayed in education and those who didn't wherever they are on the spectrum. Some were homeschooled but with lot of groups and hobbies who seem to do the best of all but I know hardly anyone can realistically afford that lifestyle.
I think it's about the really fine tightrope between living your life as you have the right to do so NT or not, and also having to exist successfully in an inflexible world, and getting the micro experiences in able to do that.

My son has autism so I get it. He can't cope with open ended questions 'what would you like for your birthday?' I do ask him a while in advance to sit and have a think and write some ideas down if he can. Sometimes he might need pointers. Is there any music you would like or any nice clothes. He isn't lacking understanding, he isn't in his own world. Yes he absolutely struggles with lots of things BUT - it is a reason and not an excuse and I've always been quite firm with him. Otherwise to be honest, he'd be a total tosser! Very arrogant and demanding quite easily. As it is he is, in the main, funny and kind and great company although very matter of fact but I have never given him an inch. He will also be 19 this year. It has been hard bloody work and it can be knackering but not a chance in hell is he complaining about me getting everything wrong, especially if he won't contribute. That is spoilt brat. Not everything is autistic brain, you can still be a pita, a cheeky sod, a brat and be autistic.

It does sound like you make a lot of excuses for her and pander to her. I get it though. It's hard to be strong but don't be afraid of upsetting her. As another poster said, she isn't 6 with no understanding. The control she exhibits seems to have ran away with her a little bit!

If DS can't think of things I do say if you can't then it will be some things I come up with and money. So it's entirely up to you, remember that. He likes money but loves to receive gifts even more. I do have to say this way way way in advance of his birthday/Christmas and I remind him often. I can't say it just once. He will forget. But I do always mean exactly what I say and he knows this. Otherwise he would absolutely be like your daughter and worse. And I'm afraid that isn't happening!

But it isn't clear that allowing her DD to treat her like this and just saying that she can't help it so nevermind actually is an adaptation in the way that a ramp would be. It's not going to make the DD better able to function in the world, and it certainly isn't making her happier. It feels like the actual accommodation would be to recognise the contribution of autism in the DD's thinking but also make clear where the boundaries of acceptable behaviour are. At the moment, to use your analogy, the OP is doing the equivalent of making the house perfectly adapted for the wheelchair but not putting an accessible exit from the front door - she's going to great efforts to try and adapt the world for her DD, but she can't actually control the world and this attitude is going to limit her DD's access to it.

You are deliberately missing the point. An autistic person may fixate on details that would seem minor to others - ie, the cake.

They may need to have adaptions made for them - ie the way birthdays and other occasions are celebrated. If those celebrations are overwhelming, it may lead to behaviour like the OP’s daughter is displaying.

If the day doesn’t go exactly how an autistic person has pictured it, it could be difficult for them and again those behaviours may be displayed as a result of overwhelm/meltdown.

I would say a more specific comparison is fairer..no matter what adaptations are put in place, some things will never be accessible for a wheelchair user. That's unfortunate but not unreasonable. Same is true for a person with ND who requires a workplace to run around like this OP is doing trying to make everything perfect, including needing a time machine to fix the cake problem. That simply cannot be accomodated in every workplace. There are limits. Its not unreasonable to ask everyone, NT and ND to make some adjustments to make things fit together.

Then she’ll be delighted to organise it herself I should imagine.