DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

SAME with my daughter at 17. She was feeling really down, unable to concentrate, and very disoriented. When she fainted for the second time at work, I took her to the doctor who wanted to prescribe anti-depressants. I pushed back and asked for a full blood work...she was so undernourished trying to be a vegan/sometimes vegetarian that she was also anemic, plus low in B12 and other nutrients.

That was a massive wakeup call for her. I made homemade Italian sausage pasta that night and she ate it, and continued to add meat to her diet, plus we did iron infusions and supplements. In less than a few weeks, her energy was back up, and in month, she was feeling happy, centered and organized.

She wasn't depressed. She was nutrient deficient. It's scary that our GP was willing to give her SSRIs. I'm still mad about that.

I think you should play into her game that she doesn't have autism.

Say, "okay, you don't have autism. Now, I expect you to act like someone who doesn't have autism, which means as a fully functioning adult. You have to get a job, treat your parents with respect, and we will no longer be funding you. We expect you to be living on your own within 6 months. I assume, because you don't have a disability, you'll be able to handle this all on your own, with possibly some advice from us, which we expect you'll come to us on your own for."

Oh I live this OP 🥺it’s absolutely exhausting and everything, every bloody thing always ends up about her …
For birthdays what I do I ask her to send me ideas / links to things she might want .
She changes her mind often late in the day .
Cake , well she’s ok about that .
( learning disabilities and autism)

The very fact that she didn’t go in and wouldn’t engage is evidence of her need and is exactly the sort of thing that could have been (and still could) be worked with, via EOTAS for example.

She could really do with a social care assessment to help her through this and find a way out the other side. But you will have to drive that and given that you’re held to ransom with a cake board from two years ago, it isn’t likely is it? So what do you plan to do?

Mine wanted one but refused to speak to anyone.

The Ed pysch said it was indicative of the state of her anxiety. And we got one.

Agree with PP if she’s “fine”
then you need to start phasing out support. She knows how to earn money so if you stop funding her perhaps she will. You could give her a taper eg we’re going to pay for your allowance and phone til April, then we’ll pay half til June, then it’s on you.

I wonder if she could be encouraged to make birthday celebrations a special interest for a couple of months - how different cultures celebrate / those that don't/ different ways of celebrating etc.

From there you might be able to plan next year's birthday in a better way - including the option that she doesn't have to celebrate her birthday at all. Or she might find something in her research that she wants to adapt for herself.

I would say the her behaviour since Yr 10 is confirmation that she either has ASD and/or MH issues.

Small steps - but she needs to start doing SOMETHING.

I would suggest stopping her allowance and not buying her special things like expensive hair products, and stop paying for her phone.

She can earn some money by doing household chores and researching courses she could do, leading on to actually studying something.

I've no advice I'd struggle with this there is only so much patience within us ..
Don't give yourself a hard time you are only human you can't be a saint.
You come across as a caring loving mum .

Her behaviour does make sense through a PDA lens. The loss of autonomy she experienced when you talked about her at school created a very outsized reaction, followed up by rigidly sticking to that. If she blames you she gets to rid herself of any expectations being placed on her whatsoever.

I think this. She’s wriggling out of everything and not accepting responsibility for anything And also keen to blame anyone else.

Its v difficult.

What kind of PDA parenting you choose, OP is a difficult one. My kid has strong PDA traits (DH ‘diagnosed’ as far as it’s possible to be). I watch some of the parenting content online and get really freaked out that it’s my future as I see ‘low demand’ parenting as often leading to ‘high control’ home environments. I agree with a PP there’s a huge hole where the evidence base for all this should be. So much can he gained through helping a kid tackle their anxiety and build confidence yet I recognise some kids are just in fight / flight / freeze and cannot access this.

I'd struggle not to sit in front of her and shove every last morsel down my throat. Sorry, I'm petty like that.

Op you have my sympathy, she is very similar around misophonia/ won't eat with us and around the denial of diagnosis.

She is a bit younger, 16, and does engage in education now after 7 years out (from end of primary to GCSE) but we have similar issues around her conduct, swearing at us, using 'I will kill myself' to try to force us to comply.

I feel as though we are on eggshells in the way you describe, we want her to continue in education so don't rock the boat, but we are definitely building a rod for our backs and I am not happy that we are doing the right thing by her by ignoring, what is often, appalling behaviours.

We have the additional issue of her refusal to take mediation because she has rules around eating, veganism and won't take any mediation even paracetamol due to her rules.

So to you.

However our eldest autistic child is thriving at university having had a long period of school refusal. When he was refusing to engage in GCSEs i did threaten him that he would need to get a job/ etc and that did motivate him. He's now in his second year at UCL and is absolutely thriving.

Our problem with DD is that she does 'just enough' that it is hard to rock the boat.

I agree. I think ' low demand' s easiest. The kid wants it, the parent doesn't have to put in the massive amount of energy trying to change things. But the low term outcomes look to be very, very poor, if avoiding the child ending up a complete failure and recluse is the goal.

We had to do low demand. Mines grown up fine. She’s lovely. Still has struggles but really sweet natured and kind.

I have had periods of low demand with mine and it definitely does have it's place. Particularly when my eldest was burnt out in the way you have described (and I'm sure we've spoken before about this).

The issue is when you do low demand and still have behaviours that are hard/impossible to tolerate.

My daughter, for example, won't let me enter her bedroom. She also won't bring down empty plates or tidy her room at all. If I ask her to do that it is a demand and I get sworn at.

So reasonable hygiene requests would have to be totally ignored to be no/ low demand.

I've tried that and then eventually when she does sort it out there is mould growing.

No one should have to live like that. The truth is that DD's executive functioning is awful. But she won't acknowledge it or let me help her.

I am glad that your DD is sweet natured and kind, not all of our children are always like that.

I know it’s awful. Mine wouldn’t come out of her room for a long time. When someone from school came to do a welfare check she locked herself in😭

https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/mental-health-reimagined/202509/rethinking-pathological-demand-avoidance/amp

God, you have the patience of a saint with her.

I understand her autism, I really do, but there has to be a point where she takes some responsibility herself.

OP, parenting an ASD child is very hard, I have 2 ND teens, and I read your message with sympathy.

please ignore the negative replies - some people have absolutely no idea what it can be like! I get what both you and your DD is saying, and with the ASD “black or white” thinking it is virtually impossible to reason with them!

You can’t change what is done, you clearly tried hard to get it right, but sometimes no matter what the autistic mind will just focus on the negative.

please don’t stress about it. Take a deep breath and move on. Maybe tomorrow (or in a few days) she will be in the right mood to discuss or an accept it. Unfortunately things don’t always go to plan, people forget things (especially parents of ND children who have sooo much to deal with!!) and she will have to deal with things like this in the future. View it as a learning opportunity? (I say this optimistically as I know how my own kids would be!)

Oh OP, it sounds tough. You say she never qualified for an EHCP and is capable of babysitting young children successfully and is bright. Given this information, she is capable of treating family members respectfully and having a full life. You need to stop making excuses for her and raise your expectations. Stop being scared of her and get her some help..she needs to engage in something so she realises there's more to life than you serving her. Good luck!

OP what difference would it make to your parenting if you knew for certain she was just manipulating you, rather than actually a suicide risk?

@Supportedinstep it would make a huge difference. I’d had the confidence to know I was taking the right steps without the worry that I’d make things worse.

Can I ask advice as to what I say to her when she says to me ‘why are you being mean/horrible?’ (when she doesn’t like what I say or the tone of my voice). Or ‘stop snapping’?

You could ask her why she thinks it’s appropriate to characterise your behaviour or tone in that way? Suggests he responds to what you’ve said rather than trying to control what you say or how you say it.