DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

We work hard in our family and she sees that. Dh works hard and long hours, I took a career break to be a SAHM and am now enjoying a new career. Older two dds have always had part time jobs alongside their studies.

Re the diagnosis - I’ve told her that she is an adult and can choose how to define herself or what to disclose. But she’s still harping on about how I sabotaged her education 🙄

@Springisnearlyspring I didn’t tell her about my friend’s daughter, I’m just sharing it on here. It’s just goes to show where these things can lead. I’m not an academic snob, I don’t care which uni she goes to or if she doesn’t go at all. Dh got very disappointing A level results and had to ditch uni plans and go to a poly instead, he did very well and had a successful career. There is certainly no expectation of uni in our house.

Re the suicide risk - dd has never self harmed. The closest she came was to declare she wasn’t eating so she’d die, that lasted for half a day. Does this mean the risk is low?

She's using your "mumguilt" against you. The problem is that when you feel guilty and bend backwards to appease her at the moment you are actually sabotaging her future..

What do you say back to her? Lots about what she’s said to you.

Today she’s at home doing absolutely nothing at all. You are paying for her food, heating, phone, WiFi, bed she’s lying in. Presumably you are at work.

Do you ask her what’s she’s done all day and keep asking daily?

This. What’s the expectations? Surely in return for being kept she keeps on top of the housework etc?

Yes. Clearly. That’s what I meant in my earlier post - you don’t seem to be able to see how much this is straight up playing you.

What do you say to her?

The half a day hunger strike is laughable and again shows how cosseted she is. If she was working or in education she’d be with colleagues fasting for Ramadan longer than this.
I honestly can’t see she is a suicide risk but I’m not a medical professional. I did used to do mental health tribunal work and came across some very scared mc teens sectioned in not very nice surroundings who had been brought down to earth with a bump.
Do you use humour with her? I sometimes say ‘Catch yourself on’ from Derry girls to mine if she’s being entitled and it stops her in her tracks.
I’d be wanting to know what she’d done all day and setting out my expectations for day after including chores and volunteering her services eg I’ve told neighbour you’ll walk dog as you aren’t doing anything fresh air will do you good.

Just how does she reckon you sabotaged her education? When did she discover about her autism diagnosis? She clearly knows which buttons to press. You cannot change the past but can help model a future. Maybe you need to be more assertive with her, tell her that she is now at an age where she is responsible for her future and how to make it happen, but you will support her decision making process if asked. It can be in small short-term steps as longer term ideas might be too abstract and self defeating. Might she feel a failure relative to her siblings, do you indulge her more than them, perhaps out of guilt. How do they relate to her?

I'm afraid I'd run out of patience with her. She's been molly coddled far too long and needs a kick up the arse to stop whinging and get on with it.

You need to get her some help or you'll have a 40 year old complaining that you've ruined her life. Cut off the funding. Give her some motivation to get a job. Insist she goes to the GP for a start. Try saying no and sticking to it. I'd also stop with the birthday nonsense. There's no way you're going to get it right.

She is playing you like a fiddle.

I would deal with threats of self-harm in a fair but logical way. Along the lines that:

(1) She must appreciate that she cannot force people to cave to unreasoanble demands by threatening suicide. It won’t get her anywhere - with you or in life.

(2) If she is feeling really low, it is much more likely to be a product of her situation as a whole rather than because of a [birthday cake etc]. You are happy to help her improve her situation but she must want to do that. If she completes her education, gets a job and hobbies, and starts to live like a normal 19 year old she will feel happier.

(3) If she is feeling really suicidal, that is a medical issue and then you will get her some medical help.

I know I've got no children and am lacking in all things parental, but I do think continuing to make massive birthday fusses of adult children is something of a rod for parents' backs in general!

Why are you letting her blame you for the education she chose not to have?
You need to make it clear what was offered to her and she refused. You are letting her use you as a scapegoat for everything in her life.

Mentioning she was going to starve herself sounds like attention seeking behaviour - and it works as you pussyfoot around her. Say that's your choice if you don't want to eat, but there is food available in the fridge if you change your mind. Then ignore her and don't engage.

I’m not surprised you lost your temper OP. Your daughter may have ASD but she also needs to appreciate that you’re a person too, and you tried your best on multiple fronts and were met with a no at every turn, so in your shoes I would have cancelled everything and left it at that.

@LIZS she says the ‘lies’ I told about her (ie the diagnosed autism) made it impossible for her to go school every day. The discussion about it with school staff and offers of support from the school she found unbearable.

and so that was that? You all just waited for this child to get her shit together and didn’t force her to do anything? OP I’ve asked before - why didn’t you look at EHCP then? And do you think you might have ASD yourself?

Stop beating yourself up about a decision you made when she was 10 or 11.

She would find something else to blame you for.

She was a child - not someone capable of making sensible decisions. You were well within your rights legally and morally to make her attend the assessments.

Hindsight is always 20/20 but it is absolutely fine to tell children some white lies. We don't share all details of all situations and decisions with children because sometimes it is not appropriate for them to know or would be scarier or more damaging them if they did. You tell them an age appropriate version of the situation.

She is unlikely to physically harm herself but she is absolutely harming herself currently through her behaviour and choices.

I saw your response about your 30th anniversary holiday. I think that would be a great deadline to work backwards from to put things in place to get you and DH out of the current situation.

Try to form a united front with DH. This has really helped us.

She left school June 23.
I’d strongly push back and challenge her narrative.
She’s been an adult for just over a year. Entirely her choice as an adult to enrol on an access course in person or online, other college course or do open university. No need to declare her disputed private autism diagnosis if she didn’t want to. No need to have any support she hated at school. No parental input involved. She didn’t even need to tell you, could have enrolled online or got bus to your local college and sorted herself out.
She could have done the 1 year access course and been off to uni this September. Her choice to laze in bed on social media instead.
She’s had every opportunity offered inc private school and parental support inc financial and sabotaged herself. I would be that blunt.

The sabotaging her at school is complete nonsense. You can’t get diagnosed just because your mum pays a psychologist. School wouldn’t have offered support she didn’t need.
If you hadn’t paid privately and pursued a diagnosis no doubt she’d be berating you for not getting her a diagnosis and support at school.
Can’t do right for doing wrong.

Yes. The risk is low. You can never say entirely never but the risk is low and pales into insignificance vs the very real risk of her never getting to work or independence.

Think you need to challenge this too - it wasn’t the answers you gave on a questionnaire that achieved her diagnosis - there would have been multiple responses based on observation by teachers at her school, I presume, perhaps also data taken from the Red Book re speech and other developmental milestones (eg both mine were crawling at 4m, walking at 8m, but late to talk and had to have speech therapy. All evidenced in the red book.)

They then did an interview with her, too, presumably with 2 people? Even if you spun the most fantastical and accurate depiction of a childhood history of ASD, if its not observed by the clinicians, she would not have got a diagnosis.

She needs to understand that a) her diagnosis was NOT based on ‘what you said’ and also that b) it is entirely up to her whether she declares it to anyone ever again. I would sit with your DH and explain what happened and how the diagnosis was achieved. And how she can ignore it if she wishes, but she would be missing out on support that it offers (25% extra time in exams etc). Her choice.

Stop trying so hard. Although she isnt neurotypical it is ok to point out when behaviour is causing stress to others. Its ok if she isnt fussed about celebrating, maybe its overwhelming

What could I have done, I couldn’t physically force her into school every day and at the time (and prob still) there was a huge EBSA crisis post Covid.

I didn’t know much about the EHCP process but I understand that the child has to engage with the process and actually even if we’d got one how would it have helped if she refuses all help?