DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

I'm sorry OP, but she's only able to be an academic snob because you enable it. She's able to live comfortably with everything she could want paid for by you, so she has no incentive to do anything she sees as beneath her. If you take all those luxuries away, she will want them back, and the way to do that will be to work, or study and then work. It sounds like you are well off and can support her financially, but many parents are not, or choose not to bankroll their children in order not to encourage this kind of behaviour. Their adult children are forced to find a way to support themselves, and either have to do the kinds of things that your daughter sees as beneath her, or, if they want to go to top universities or get good jobs, they have to actually work hard for them.

But they weren’t specialists in gender identity. They were specialists in neurological diversity.

They mean a state when a neuro diverse person has attempted to live in a nt world. It hits in adolescence when they are navigating the world. It hits at about 11-15, mainly girls.

Their brain becomes overwhelmed with adrenaline and in effect shuts down to protect the person, In my DD’s case it became so severe she was unable to read or process information. Even talking became difficult. She was severely exhausted. It wasn’t chronic fatigue as the marker for that is PEM which she didn’t have.

https://www.leicspart.nhs.uk/autism-space/health-and-lifestyle/autistic-fatigue-and-burnout-coping-strategies/

Oh dear. It is rather a comfortable rut isn’t it? I think we all know how easy it is to waste your life away on social media.

I really don’t see it as unloving to put some boundaries in this situation. In fact I think it’s more loving and kind long term to do so. She might say you are horrible at first but you have to ignore that and act in her best interests. Clearly she does love you a lot whilst at the same time you are the punching bag.

I think you are desperately trying to solve her problems for her eg by looking up courses etc but it isn’t working. I have made that mistake with my DD too. It’s time to step back and stop putting forth lots of solutions and incentivise her finding her own way.

The birthday situation is a microcosm of this. You offered too many options and solutions and in the end it still wound up with her being disappointed. You needed to just offer once x or y, maybe one reminder ‘you need to let me know by Friday’ and she then needs to realise that no decision is a decision with its own consequence ie no celebration. You need to be OK that this might be the outcome as a very wise PP said maybe she (and you) need to learn that birthdays aren’t her thing and it’s OK not to celebrate.

She has options of access course to uni, get a job (both of those allowance continued) or carry on doing nothing at all (allowance stops). You could write or email her the pros and cons of each as you see it, make clear that you love her whatever and you are there to help and support with her choice but not to do the work or choose for her and then leave her to make a decision. I did exactly that with DD and on the final day of the deadline she chose the further study option and later got a part time job too.

To be honest, OP, she sounds like a snob in a lot of ways and also ableist, lazy and very whiny. She's not traumatised or burned out, she's just ridiculously entitled. She needs to learn that she's not better than anyone else and she's owed nothing unless she works for it.

I was making an analogy.

Both situations have vocal proponents who speak from lived experience but there is no actual scientific proof that what you say about the brain ‘being overwhelmed with adrenaline’ is true. How would that be measured?

It’s an explanatory framework that has face validity in that people find it helpful and feel it describes their experiences but there again so does ‘being born in the wrong body’

There’s nothing wrong with people finding a descriptive concept helpful but to make out it is an official diagnosis or has any science behind it just isn’t true. It’s a theory that might be right or wrong.

It's not beneath her. She's a lazy layabout that you are funding. How is she not offended by that?

She is being manipulative here, she is emotionally blackmailing you into maintaining the status quo.

See also telling her father to fuck off in his own bedroom.

You need to stop giving her so many options.

Her birthday gift is done,
Her cake is done.
There should be no do overs.

Sorry OP but you need to get tough on her and actually parent her or she will be a total failure as an adult and that will be partially your fault. It’s is yours and your husband’s job to teach and prepare her for life in the real world as an adult. You aren’t doing that right now by capitulating to her every unreasonable demand. If you continue as you are, what will happen when she is 30 or 40, or when you’re dead? She will be up shit creek without a paddle. No phone, no allowance no lifts anywhere she needs to either get a job or study something and she needs to be engaging with a therapist or counsellor. If she won’t do that the you need to start the eviction process so she understands that you are serious. I know this seems harsh but better coming from you now than when you are gone in a few decades and it will be far too late by then.

What are you actually afraid of if you put your foot down? She is already miserable, lazy and rude so I’m not sure how it could get much worse tbh. Parenting is bloody hard work and not always rewarding but you do owe this to your daughter so she has a chance at making it in life

Also, if I’m being frank, I’m scared that if I get tough and insist on education or a job as people have suggested, she might do something stupid (ie attempt to take her life). Suppose I toughen up and she does this? I would have to live with that. Isn’t it better she’s alive and not doing anything?

Why do you think she might do that? Has she ever talked about harming herself?

What are you actually afraid of if you put your foot down? She is already miserable, lazy and rude so I’m not sure how it could get much worse tbh

@NewbieSM it could get a whole lot worse. I’ve read stories of kids who self harm, make attempts on their life, in and out of hospital etc. That’s much worse.

Yes she talks about killing herself 😢 It scares the hell out of me.

I don’t say the brain was overwhelmed by adrenaline. The pyschiatrist said it.

Its real, it exists. It’s terrible. And has fuck all to do with gender identity. The autistic society and adhd society talk about it. What happened to my dd if not burnout? She was fine prior to it. Now she’s not. It wasn’t even mental health. She was too tired to do anything. Lost her considerable ability to read for a long time. She still can’t read brilliantly now. This was a child who loved reading.

Sooner or later though for one reason or another she is going to have to face reality. You can't insulate her from it forever and every day she successfully avoids it she becomes less capable and competent. If she will kill herself now then what will change between now and when you're too old to be her caretaker or when you pass away? She's not interested in therapy, or education, or work or anything else that will improve her mental health. At least right now, she's young enough not to have wasted her best chance at getting into education or employment, she has emotional support from her family and she's not grieving the loss of a parent.

You need to at least try to get her into a mental health facility then. She refuses to go to a GP. Next time she says that, take her to the A&E crisis team.

She doesn't self harm. She's using it as a threat to you. You being too scared to be a parent is the problem. Get her help.

@FoxtrotOscarKindaDay we have discussed the suicide issue with professionals and they said to ring the emergency services if we’re worried. But she doesn’t have a plan or intends to act on it as far as I know.

It sounds like she knows that when she threatens suicide she can get whatever she wants.

I’m sorry OP, that must be so scary for you. I can understand why that makes it harder to start being tougher with her. Unfortunately her lifestyle at the moment and having you waiting on her hand and foot isn’t going to be helping her mental health at all. We all need a purpose in life, to do things for others not just ourselves, and to have relationships with people outside of our immediate families. Pushing her to do something with her life could end up really improving her mental health.

There is an element of that but you can’t take these things lightly.

And it’s not in the DSM as it tends to affect mainly females. Who’ve been ignored and underdiagnosed for years.

I mean the medical profession is great at dealing with female issues right?

So sneering about it is down to male bias from medics in ND. It’s a ‘new’ thing as women have only recently got the ASD diagnosis they should have had years ago. This is why it’s been sidelined and ignored for years. And why there’s no studies on it. Because it’s just cresting the wave now.

And the Tavistock clinic was one clinic. The experts l saw worked at other clinics across the area in other cities and towns.

Yes, we’ve experienced similar with DC.
Hugely traumatic for all the family, especially DC themselves. I am terrified of going back to that place and the fear of it probably stops me pushing DC appropriately now tbh. Keeping everything calm is still a priority.

So your excuse that you are scared is just that, an excuse.

Think you are just desperate for attention now.

I don’t know what you mean by this? Would you expect a parent to just ignore or brush aside a suicide threat? It’s utterly terrifying.

No you call emergency services or take her to the crisis team like you've been told. Except you don't.