DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

@Poparts you sound like a great mum. When you say you ‘made’ her how did you enforce this? What if she refused?

So for example, I tried to get her cooking without success. Then a few years ago she came downstairs out of the blue when I was prepping dinner and asked to help. I showed her how to peel and chop veg.

The worry there is what if it never does?
I can see that approach to a child but does it sti fit for a young adult? The world out there is not demand free.

I know someone who is at their wits end with their late 20s autistic son who is NEET, lives off their parents entirely not even claiming any benefits, games all day and all night, never goes out, never washes or cleans their room which is in a horrendous state and never interacts apart from to text their mum to buy them takeaways. Any small attempt by her to clean the room or suggest a shower is met with shouting and even aggression. All professional help is aggressively refused.

To the rest of us it’s a horrid way to live and we’d want to change it but I am not at all sure that he does. He gets to do exactly as he pleases with no demands made on him and I can’t see why he would want that to change that really but it will have to change when his parents get too old to look after him any longer or they break themselves.

Isn’t that a risk that the logical conclusion of no demands is an unacceptable situation for everyone else who has to manage around it and no skill development for the autistic person?

Yes @Shrinkhole and that is my biggest fear, that she’ll still be in position in a decade’s time. I’m not against taking a firmer approach but I’m just scared it will make things worse 🤷‍♀️

Well, something has to change, doesn’t it?

And only you and your husband can make that change.

Op l had a child in burnout for 5 years.

Low demand is the only way out. You can’t force her, she will come to it when she’s ready.

All these people saying force therapy or to force her to do this that and the other have never dealt with burnout. They don’t comply and retreat further.

Dealing with a child in burnout is terrifying. You don’t know what’s going to happen and have to hold your nerve. It’s awful. How long has she been like this?

Have you not read the comments from posters about women in their 40's/50's still holding their parents to ransom?

I would sit her down and explain things are going to change. And I'd tell her why too, her behaviour has been entirely unacceptable and you have been pushed to your very limit so you will be radically overhauling the way you deal with her. If you don't want to do that then just carry on as you are I suppose 🤷 but don't be surprised when nothing changes and you go through the same thing year after year.

It’s hard to tell really. Prob going back to year 10. And I don’t know for sure if she’s still in burnout. She does go out occasionally, sometimes to babysit, occasionally with friends, sometimes with me or Dh or her sister.

Is she seriously okay to be in charge of young children babysitting?

Good question, it is a difficult balance. I would not force her to go. But assuming that this high standard of commitment and attendance for the show is the group's requirement and not just my personal expectation as her mother.... I would not sign her up for any more activities where she could not drop out if overwhelmed. It's not punishment, it's not about breaking her promise, kids can't always judge their own capabilities. It's about what she is capable of and about not having a detrimental effect on other people.

I might still take her to a special-needs group where these kinds of issues are allowed for and the shows are structured to take them into account, but not to a mainstream group that needs a level of commitment and attendance that she can't meet.

Maybe even a mainstream group could adjust (e.g. sharing her role with an understudy). But then she must be prepared to admit her vulnerability and share the role. If she wont do that then she can't do the activity.

One way of thinking is that she has got what she wanted for her birthday- she wanted attention from you and she wanted a meltdown.

It seems to me that she is stuck in child mode and that she (and you) need some kind of professional help to move to adult mode.

She needs to live with her asd, not use it as an excuse for appalling behaviour.

This, if she absolutely cannot have any “demands” made of her, everyone has to work to her agenda… do these children’s parents know this? Is she a risk to them?

Yes, why do you ask? She adores babies and young children and is good with them and the families are keen to have her back.

I was thinking this, if she is then this makes her behaviour even worse because she's clearly capable of the empathy/emotional maturity needed for looking after small children.

The demand issue seems to be not an issue with other people. She is reliable and gets to babysitting jobs on time. I’m not sure what this tells me?

So are you saying that she is more capable than I think she is and I’ve allowed her to treat me like this?

How will she cope if one of the children doesn’t meet her exact demands and wants? Accidentally spills something on her food so some chocolate needs to be binned? She is ok with that with out telling them to fuck off and floods of tears?

That she’s spoiled and at it

I imagine she copes with the unpredictability of small children.

Yes.

I accept there have always been teens with autism, but the absolute avalanche of them and the increasingly pandering nature of ‘meeting their needs’ is entirely new.

This is not an immutable situation.

I've got to be honest op, yes I do. Put it this way, if it was your husband treating you like this you'd be in an abusive relationship. Your daughter is an adult now, a very capable adult by the sound of it.

I was thinking this. She can't control herself bout a bit of cake that was thrown away a year ago and can't eat a meal with her siblings in the room but can look after vulnerable small children independently?! Absolutely no way she would be looking after my children if I had even the basic facts about the situation. Aren't you concerned about it? You make it seem like she is incapable of even being civil to you, that she in no way can manage even the most basic of expectations.
What if something happened?!

How is this 'burnout?' If she was burnout she wouldn't be able to do this, as it is hard work for most people!

A 19 year old doesn't need an allowance. Cancel it and make it dependent on good behavioir.

Yes. You’ve spoilt her. She get away with what she wants with no consequences, and no one expects anything of her. She clearly understands that out in the real world, there are expectations and consequences so she acts accordingly. But at home, she can treat everyone like shit. You do know that all teenagers will do that if they live a life of no consequences? You’ve stopped parenting because of her needs, and that’s the problem. She needs more parenting, not less.

So yep, she’s at it, and probably deep in the teen trend of “I’m a princess and other people only exist to do what I want “ is she on TikTok a lot?

Proving she can cope when she needs to.

It IS a choice.