DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

Yes, you can. You can do as we did - you start an access course/therapy/get and keep a job or we take you to the council offices to put you on the housing wait list because you cannot stay here and continue as you are.

We had to get really tough and make it clear that she had run out of rope with us and as an adult she either moved on in education or she moved out.

Again, it was about those boundaries that we had, until that point, been utterly useless in establishing and enforcing.

Well, she's confirmed it- she has no disabilities or difficulties with life and does not need any support. Her only problem is her awful family keep sabotaging her life, so it sounds like the best thing for her would be to move out so she can demonstrate how much better she will be without you.

Practically how does that work? Take her to the council? She won’t go. Apply for a council house? She won’t sign the form 🤷‍♀️ I can see what you’re saying about not tolerating the situation any longer but in practical terms how if she just refuses?

OP where is her EHCP? She still can have one and I truly think it would be very helpful.

You also have the right to a carer’s assessment in your own right.

This is exactly why I asked about the EHCP. That way you would have access to potentially at least, a social worker, external support, a clearer diagnostici profile, etc as well as being able to nominate and drive educational choices in a way which simply won’t happen without one.

You need to give her the choices. What is the plans now? She can't just turn her nose up at doing an access course if that's all that's available to her.
Her choices need to be you do the access course or you get a job.

How does she pay for activities, her phone, clothes, makeup etc?
does she get waited on and given everything with no responsibilities?
how does that factor in with your other dc? do they get to be as rude and abusive with no consequences?

Would she be more receptive to something if it was dressed up as life coaching? There are specialist life-coaches who work with people with ASD and can help set realistic and achievable goals with support, I agree with the PP that she needs to start thinking about her long-term plans if she really wants to go to uni and I think you and her dad need to make it clear that living with you and beating you both with a stick is not a lifelong solution, neither of you will be around forever, and it's likely her sister's sympathy is going to run dry, if it hasn't already happened.

From your updates, it sounds as though the birthday thing was deliberate self-sabotage on her part to continue blaming you for her woes by proxy. I think you really need to go easier on yourself here, you are trying to work with moving goalposts, re: the birthday stuff, it's not like you've left nuclear codes on a train.

She doesn’t have an EHCP and now as a young adult she wouldn’t want to engage with the process.

We give her a monthly allowance and pay for her phone. She does a bit of babysitting for local families when asked.

Yes, you can. And you absolutely should have. And it should have been years ago. Either she went to therapy or there’d be no phone, no pocket money, no TV in her room, no benefits the other kids get for being decent human beings.

You indulged far too long, still do, there are no consequences, she rules the family, she has affected her siblings lives… and you’re still doing nothing but indulging her. You are failing her.

This too. No phone, no allowance, no help and dropped off to present at homeless if she doesn’t start engaging.

You need to be tough. And actually parent.

Believe me I have tried everything. One group I’m on suggests low demand which is what other people have done with their kids and they say with love they eventually come through it. And that by putting pressure on is counter intuitive - the desire to move forward has to come from them.

What would you have done if she had the meltdown of all meltdowns this morning, absolutely refused to get in the car, was completely overwhelmed with the stress of the class and upcoming event and had started self-harming as a result (hitting herself for example) ?

Genuine question because this is the sort of situation many parents find themselves in. You make it sound simple but it’s not always easy to know whether putting your foot down will do benefit or actually cause harm. It’s a balancing act and sometimes tough to call.

I would love to do this but it’s so far removed from how we parent now. I know from my past experience that dd does do things when she’s ready and the pressure is off. So that’s my thinking more generally. But I have no idea if this is the right approach or not.

But she has made no progress at all. And is actually worse as she isn’t in any form of education or work at all. And she’ll be there forever because she has never been challenged and made to grow up.

How has your parenting of her affected your other kids? Have they had the sort of attention and childhood they should have?

While you obviously can't cut her off completely she needs to know there is some limits.
She is now an adult.
As I said what does she intend to do? Her plans are not possible. Her options are to work or do the access course.
She needs to be aware that at 19 she needs to contribute to the household if not in education.

I don’t think she would in any way be eligible for an EHCP even if she was in education. She’s got good grades and clearly can do things when she wants to. What would an EHC P put in place?

I think there’s probably a middle ground between what you’re doing now and tough love. But you are going to have to start treating her like an adult which means having adult conversations with her.

We made every effort for meet ALL our kids’ needs. I think our older two feel loved and well supported (dd2 certainly tell us this). I’m a big believer in spending 1 to 1 time with each and Dh and I have both had nights out and trips away with the older two (1 to 1). There was a time in recent years when we realised dd3 was ruling the roost but we recognised that and make changes pretty quickly.

Have you made the changes though? dd3 is rude and abusive and does nothing, but gets an allowance and no consequences for her behaviour?
if she declares that dd2 or dd1 isn’t to be present at family meal times or she gets to decide who gets to be in what room when, will you pander to her still?

No we don’t. If dd3 prefers to eat alone in the kitchen then she has to wait and work round the rest of the family. Dd1 likes to linger in the kitchen after dinner with a cup of tea. I used to get stressed about this but not any more. She can take all the time in the world, it’s her home. And if dd3 has to wait, tough shit.

Low demand is a fairly recent phenomenon and we have yet to see how it, and gentle parenting, will pan out. I suspect that low demand will lead to young adults who fail to launch.
I can sympathise OP , you can feel quite powerless but you really are not.

I made my ADHD/PDA/suspected ASD daughter engage in sport, attend events, go away to camps, go on trips even though I know she found some of these uncomfortable. She (17 and in school) has to do a job one morning at the weekend and she really doesn’t want to do it. She doesn’t go anywhere so has no need for the money, but working is a pre condition of living in our house.

Not because we take any money or anything like that, more because we know we know we have to get her on that trajectory early and keep her on the path to independence.

Its hard, it’s painful and I always second guess myself and put up with a lot of shit from DD, but she has to be pushed or she’d stay in her room , on her phone constantly

What things has she done when she was ready?

She is acting spoilt. I say this as someone who has an autistic DS and who has worked with kids and young adults with autism for 20 years.