DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

So she can behave in a sensible and cooperative manner with others, but apparently with you she has no option but to throw tantrums? Surely that tells you a lot?
She gets away with murder and never has to do anything she doesn’t want to.

Exactly, but on here it’s met with horror if you ask anything of teens.
”nooooo! You need NO DEMAND PARENTING for your 20+ year old…. Give them everything they ask for, do whatever they tell you or you are a dreadful parent!! Don’t expect them to work, clean or tidy! That’s abusive!”

How old are the children she babysits and for how long? Are they awake when she cares for them?
I agree it's rather convenient she can cope with the demands of young children but throw a massive tantrum over birthday cakes and hold this against her own mother.

Have you posted about her before OP? WRT education and ger unrealistic expectations? I have 2 AuADHD young adult children and I do recognise what you're saying. Our eldest is in supported accomodation now.

It is ok to have boundaries. It's hard because you dont want them to kick off but in the long run it's fir their own good.

Keep the promises you made with as little fuss as possible but this birthday situation has got out of hand.

It suggests that your anxieties are increasing hers, and that you and she are playing off each other.

It's as if you are giving her an allowance because you're afraid not to, and then you're expecting something back from her because you have done the right thing.That's the wrong way round. Stop or severely curtail the monthly allowance and she gets nothing from you while she's a NEET. Food, shelter, basic toiletries, that's all. No phone, no internet, no new clothes, no new nothing. Tell her them's the rules for NEETs.

Everything more she can earn, either by babysitting to earn the cash or by signing herself up for college and getting her allowance back. Maybe doing some household chores in return for cash. Or she can spend her birthday money!

There is no pressure on her from you, no demands, she can survive and do nothing at all if she chooses but then she gets nothing more. This is low demand parenting.

When she is recovered and ready she will sign up.

The more I read this thread the more I think DD is being enabled. If she can get herself out of the house on time & mind children, she can do plenty.

She has two older sisters, at one point she took over the house. She’s jealous of lockdown cake sister about a cake & possibly more.

What if no demand/low demand yields no results. Have you not been in low demand for years at this stage?

You need to start being firm. She doesn’t like money, tell her you tried buying for her it didn’t work out, so you are giving her money, and that the appropriate response is thank you or you’ll have it back.

Same about the cake etc.

This is not my attitude though and not the way I’ve approached parenting my older two. They are both mature functioning members of society who take responsibility for their own actions and lives. It is different with dd3 because of her challenges and I’ve had to parent accordingly.

Is she actually autistic/pda diagnosed or is this just ride entitled stroppy behavior that she’s kept up with this behavior for so many years with you because she knows she will
get away with it? Because this would also explain why she’s refusing to have any further medical treatment or assessment! Because she knows there’s not actually anything wrong with her that firm no taking the piss parenting would have sorted out years ago?!?!

You can’t just turn off autistic reactions and if she CAN change her reactions to suit her audience then she clearly isn’t!!

You've made a rod for your own back pandering to this nonsense behaviour. She's an adult now, she needs to start acting like one.

Her behaviour (birthday and otherwise), is extremely disrespectful to you and your husband as her parents, it's time to put your foot down. She needs to learn that discomfort and not getting exactly what she wants is part of life, and I say this as someone with autism and ADHD.

With the allowance, the thinking behind this was to give her a little money so she can budget and buy her hair products etc without my involvement.

I think now is the time to adjust that parenting OP. You need to start parenting as you parented her sisters with small adjustments. Or she may well still be in her room getting upset about cakes in 20 years.

Time for tough love.

But to other’s point Op that makes it v comfortable for her. Make it uncomfortable and maybe something will change.

If she won’t get therapy I honestly would still try to get a family therapist for everyone else. You can change the system around the person and if she won’t change that’s what you’ll have to do.

I would be really worried about a plan of just carry on like this indefinitely and hope it comes right in the end. It might but there’s a high chance it won’t. I would not be able to stand by and do nothing I just could not do that.

I would stop the allowance. That’s some leverage that you have. She needs to get a job or claim benefits at this point. I know that my 19 yr old is NT and it’s not the same struggle but when she was planning on having a gap year that involved doing nothing at all I told her that I will not be paying for that and I will stop her allowance unless she gets a job or engages in some constructive activity. The month I stopped the allowance she got a job. Cause and effect. I actually gave her the allowance back when she got the job because I will reward constructive behaviour. I told her that she is an adult and can make her own choices so I will not be nagging or doing it for her but I just will not support any choices that I do not agree with or allow my resources to be used on stuff I don’t agree with.

So she doesn’t have PIP then ? Doesn’t work doesn’t qualify for disability allowance to help bring in some money to the house and refuses to get an ehcp? Why because she is faking the whole thing? Or most of it??!! I would SERIOUSLY step right back from everything and just analyse everything with a different frame of mind and an open mind. Stop giving her an allowance for a start!! She’s an adult and glass everything else paid for - housing food etc - so she needs to use her babysitting money to pay for her clothes phone etc as that’s not your problem and she clearly manages it …which I can tell you now my children with ASD and pda can’t!! They would lose their shit managing one child let alone several! And even if money was involved they would pay the parents not to babysit their kids 😂🤣🤣 so your supposedly ND child is clearly putting all this on and has pulled the wool over your eyes but your dh sees through them?

But you haven’t parented. You’ve run yourself ragged with a soft ‘no demand, give her everything’ approach and this is the result.

My kids are different temperaments but my expectations are the same. No rudeness, no violence, no meanness. You can change parenting approach without changing expectations.

You’ve created a monster, I’m afraid.

And don’t buy hair products for her once it’s stopped. No job no special request hair products. You just buy whatever shampoo/ food/ whatever else you would buy for the household and anything above and beyond she needs to get her own resources if she wants those things.

Untrue. She isn’t and wasn’t able to engage in a full time appropriate education and since then crashed and burned. And that’s just the education bit.

She has massive social care needs clearly, given that the entire family is held to ransom, and given her engagement in everything else it’s fair to make an assumption that there might be unmet health needs too.

The EHCP runs until they are 25 and there’s no reason the OP can’t apply on her behalf.

But I’ll wager anything that this hasn’t been the first time it’s been suggested and for whatever reason the OP decided not to go down this route. So here we are.

Op should pay for her own kid, why the hell should the taxpayer pick up the slack here but not the parents?

This, what “challenges” does she have other than having a temper tantrum when you don’t do what she wants? How much has this kicked off since you stopped curtailing her sisters lives to meet dd3s histrionics?

Honestly, she sounds like an absolute brat. At her age she should know better. Just sounds like incredibly ungrateful behaviour.

It’s very simple. You tell her she does an access course/gets a job or you will take her to citizens advice and they will do the paperwork with her. You tell her you can serve her an eviction notice and they have to put her in digs. OR she can step up and get a job/enrol at college.

I can’t labour this enough - you don’t need to fix it. She has to. You want her to to wake up and start to work.

If you make it too easy, where is the incentive to sort themselves out? To make changes? My DD realised she had a lovely home and we would absolutely fund her IF she went back to college. If she didn’t, she would have to get a job/sign on, pay rent or move out.

It was a tough threat and we had to be very sure we would carry through - but like you, we had her flouncing around at home for three years out of education, taking no steps to get out of the rut, getting more and more aggressive/ depressed, sleeping all day, gaming/on her phone. In the end I drew the line. Her dad was/is working 10-14hours days, on call 24/7, and his money was paying for her. He’d be up at 530, leave the house and be in meetings by 7am. She wasn’t getting up until 2 or 3 am and them slamming around the house in the small hours when he needed to be asleep. I had to say enough was enough. It was a total disrespect of her dad. She had to step up or ship out.

As predicted, she chose the comfortable and supported life and returned to college …

That you’re being played like a fiddle?

You’ve missed the point of that post. Either this kid is disabled (and so benefits are likely valid) or she isn’t, (and so can get off her arse and behave) but both cannot be true.

The problem with the low demand approach is that it is painfully slow. And I don’t know how long to give it until I see it’s not working?

This thread has been so helpful, thank you to everyone for taking the time to reply.

Yes - trust me, it's not working. She's clearly - given what you've told us about the times she CAN control her reactions (e.g. babysitting) - choosing the way she behaves.