DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

How does she cope in the outside world, with other people, school, college etc? Telling her father to F off is unreasonable behaviour and she needs to be pulled up on that. Can she be reasoned with? I would calmly sit down with her and explain the things that you did and why. Tell her why you chose her gifts and booked the restaurant. Tell her you understand that her brain works differently but that you need to work together in getting her some help and implementing coping strategies to make things less difficult for her. Medication can be a really useful tool. Can you insist that she speak to a GP? Has she had access to psychologists, a paediatrician that diagnosed her? Maybe contact them to ask for help going forward.

Autistic kids need a whole set of different parenting techniques and no one has those without the right help.

You sound like a great mum.

Yes, it's all very familiar. And those replies too were filled with the same (mostly) helpful comments just like this one.

It sounds like you have the added complication of sibling comparison. It may be that your daughter can’t cope with birthdays in the lovely form you are trying to create for her, but there is a fear (perhaps on your part and/or on hers) that she is being treated less than her sister if you don’t do the same for her. I would be inclined to speak to her ahead of the next birthday/Christmas and explain she is equally loved and valued but you accept that not everyone wants or likes the same things and you don’t want to stress her out with pressure/decisions. Perhaps put a budget of money in an envelope and a promise of time to do an activity of her choice) and then step back a bit. If she has an idea of something she really wants to do or spend the money on, it is there. If not she can put it in savings? Perhaps also working out a standard predictable pattern of the day (same cake, roughly the same stocking fillers at christmas etc) so she isn’t stressed by surprise/uncertainty

I think OP’s DD does want to celebrate her birthday though, or at least she thinks she does. She compares her experience to that of her siblings’s and is disappointed if it doesn’t match up.

The pressure of celebrating her birthday isn’t coming from OP, it’s coming from her DD. The problem is she is then unable to cope with the weight of her own expectations and with the pressure this causes. She is unable to make choices, it is too demanding.

I would suggest input from a therapist, but it’s very hard to find someone with the right skillset and at 19 it’s very hard to make her go if she doesn’t want to.

I think we get a bit scared of children's feelings and sometimes mothers in particular end up as the emotional sponge. With Nd children, the response to these feelings is often magnified so it's natural to want to try to head off any difficulties that might arise and birthdays and special occasions are particularly pressured and meant to be 'nice' occasions.

It is really hard to let our children feel their feelings and not try to make the things that are within our control better. If we can fix it why wouldn't we?!

I think this eventually becomes futile as adulthood naturally piles on more and bigger disappointment than a parent can possibly mitigate. Maybe allowing our children to deal with the smaller things will show our children that they are competent when it comes to the big things. We do need to be the calm in the storm and we can help them co-regulate, but maybe trying to fix things, albeit calmly too is actually joining in with their storm?

Our children may even feel safer when we don't try to fix things for them. By fixing things maybe we are demonstrating that we think they can't, or that it's too bit of a deal. Maybe instead we show empathy and then allow them to discover that the world doesn't end when they have to navigate the things that bring these feelings up.

I think it's also important for autistic young people to understand that we mothers aren't robots. We have our own stuff that we deal with and that their behaviour towards us does very much impact us even if we try not to show it. On some level they may pick up an incongruency here that worries them on some level too.... Because they sense we are struggling?

Have you thought about what options are available to your other than trying to make up for any birthdays and disappointment of the past?
Is there someone you could brainstorm with?
You could brainstorm here if not.

Sympathies OP.
ASD with PDA traits is difficult. Most of the posters will have no idea.
However - I think you do have to bring in an element now of treating her in a more adult way.
My DD is also ASD and I suspect some degree of PDA but I have learnt when to not engage and just let her work it out by herself.
To some extent maybe you need to tell you DD that whilst you are trying and have always tried to be fair and meet her needs, we're all only human and sometimes you won't get it right. Equally she is old enough to be objectively seeing the hurt she causes, however accidental.
Reset the present issue if it's causing distress but maybe you do need to communicate expectations more clearly in future.
Things like booking a restaurant or giving her money - if a deviation from expectations for her were always going to cause a problem. You should have known that. I think you have a tricky DD but you're partly to blame here too. I don't say that unkindly as I know you have had years of second guessing and treading on eggshells,.

Agree with this - and it becomes an cycle. The more parents pander at home and then press for accommodations, the more people in school etc will bend and accommodate them; the more they then continue to demand at home and then expect in the workplace/school. And the less capable they become of dealing with adversity and disappointment.

@cautiouslurker2 We've seen exactly this with a friend of DDs. Her mum has gone more and more low demand and she's now much worse than she was, its like the less demands are placed on her, the less she manages anything at all. She isn't any happier either. You get the impression she's pushing harder and harder in desperate search of boundaries that would make her feel safe and secure, but those boundaries are being removed. She's more anxious than ever before, all the accomodations have not achieved anything.

@bendmeoverbackwards this may be way off beam, but does this sort of behaviour escalate when she is unhappy/ struggling in other areas of life?

My two dc are autistic and have had similar behaviours at times to your dd. The problem is, that when they decide that something is an "issue" , in this case, your DD's birthday, it's impossible to resolve. All the minutiae involved, all the conflicting factors, along with a normal level of human flaws - means that they can never get the perfect solution they think they need.

And you will never win an argument about things like this, as situations and humans aren't perfect so they will always find something that doesn't make sense logically, and use that to prove their point.

What I've realised is that this type of behaviour is just indicative of the fact that they are struggling/ unhappy with other areas of their life. So when they start acting like this, I listen, but then I just reflect to them that they seem stressed and agitated and I want to help. I try to open the conversation to other areas of their life. Then they can sometimes open up to what they are really struggling with. What they think is the problem is usually just a symptom of a different issue.

You may already have tried all this, and obviously I don't know your DD, so apologies if I have gone down the wrong track! I hope it works out for you all, I know how stressful these things can be.

Yes. On OP's thread someone linked from November OP said "I know lots of autistic people don’t like celebrating birthdays but not her, she sets up high standards and then if things don’t go to plan, she gets upset."

Strange it doesnt read that way in this thread isnt it, seems the opposite!

I think this is insightful.

Hopefully something to think about.

This 100%.

Unfortunately, things don't always go to plan and people make mistakes. Part of growing up ND is learning how to cope with those factors as best we can.

Sometimes turning things round the other way as a means of teaching empathy helps. I have to do this with my SEN daughter - turn situations around so that she can see things from the other person's perspective, as she takes things literally and is quite rigid.

As your daughter is an adult, when you forgot to buy the extra cake, she should have reminded you. That's on her and should form part of her own learning.

There are a lot of expectations of you, but I'm not seeing the expectations of her. So for example, if she wants a nice birthday then she needs to supply you with her choices.

The adaption for her autism would be taking into account it takes her longer to make choices, so giving her 2 or 3 months notice. Also, perhaps setting up a shared notebook system, so you put your questions you need answers to in there and she fills it in over time and gives it back to you. If she struggles with overwhelm then perhaps listing a finite amount of options for each choice - e.g. birthday activity or meal, then whatever the options are for the activity or meal, same for cake and presents etc.

At the end of the day, you are doing the best you can in a difficult situation and you can only try and guide her.

I'm autistic and I'm afraid I disagree with this. Sometimes people forget things. Sometimes plans have to change. It might be harder for us than other people to bounce back, but assuming that she's high-functioning, learning how to is just part of growing up. You would be totally within your rights, and imo doing her a favour, to tell her briskly that you forgot, you're sorry, and it's time to move on now.

Oh, and that she ruined her own birthday and next year you won't do a thing unless she tells you exactly what she wants.

This. What is going to happen to her as an adult without OP around? What is it like for siblings at home with this behaviour? She must engage in therapy - she’s obviously sufficiently high functioning to understand all that.

Ok - here's what I would do to try to reset things. This is on the basis that her autism/PDA is the main driver of her behaviour, not that she's just a stroppy cow.

Buy her another cake - this is the one you forgot to get last year.
She can be in charge of it, up to and including disposing of the cake board/packaging.

Then she can eat Colin.
So birthday cakes are up to date.

Re presents - for next year, I wouldn't buy her anything she hasn't requested, and don't give her money, because that's wrong too. Just set aside some money that you can use to buy whatever she (eventually) chooses.

Let her choose what she wants to do to celebrate next year's birthday.
Weeks before remind her that some things need to be prebooked, then leave her to it. Ask her if she wants you to suggest some options. Don't if she doesn't.
If she doesn't choose anything, then that's the consequence of her behaviour and maybe she will learn from it.

You have to give responsibility to her for her life decisions.
And she has to learn that telling her father to f off is not acceptable behaviour.

This, have just realised have read previous posts from you op and really feel for you and the rest of your family as this daughters behaviour sounds exhausting and controlling and unfair to the rest of the family, especially you.

Hard disagree. It really upset me when H said he didn’t consider himself to have a disability, as it meant he could not understand the profound and negative effect his autistic behaviours and thinking have on me and our children.

It’s not just a ‘different’ way of thinking. My H’s way of thinking is wrong. Factually, measurably, observably and, at times, dangerously to the point of potentially fatally, wrong.

some autistic people’s way of thinking, because of their autism, can and does cause harm.

You are lovely OP and you did your best to make your DDs birthday nice.

She can't help what she is like, for the most part, but she is now 19. She must start engaging with professionals to help her navigate life. You will not be around forever, and nobody else will have a mother's patience with her.

You don't have to do this in a confrontational or hurried way, but it really is something to work towards.

It sounds like you’ve really tried your best and are a really lovely and kind mum. I have not dealt with these issues and hope I would be as good a mum as you. I don’t know if what I’m suggesting here is something that is reasonable or not, and those with more experience will no doubt be able to provide better advice. But I’m just wondering about how to help her deal with when things are not exactly as she wants as this is something she will encounter a lot. I realise maybe this sounds a little naive but I just mean she can only control her actions, not those of others, and going forward needs to be able to navigate that with people other than you. I think maybe professional help would be good but it might take her time to engage with even the idea of that. It sounds tough for you all. Best wishes.

And also this, a lot of it sounds like the young behaviour that can get from much younger children re sibling rivalry “that’s not fair!! How come my sister got that and I didn’t!!”
@bendmeoverbackwards how much are your other dc having to put up with and placate their sibling?

She sounds absolutely awful.

How on earth is she going to cope with real life if she throws tantrums and sulks like this when she won’t make any effort herself and so that someone else has had to bend over backwards to make things right for her.

Surely there must come a point at which she recognises that she has to control her behaviour or present differently even if her autism is driving it? The world won’t yield to her ridiculous demands in the same way.

Autos or not she sounds like an absolute brat.

She's not 'playing a game'. And you clearly have zero understanding of autism/neuro diversity.

That said, I agree that it is extremely difficult for the OP and some counselling might help.

I have two ND kids myself and life can feel very hard sometimes.

She’s getting disproportionately upset about things. Is she like this at other times?

I am concerned by this comment of yours: “As an AuDHD person myself and with a DS who is also AuDHD, I know that she is in part the way she is because we have been fearful parents, not because ‘she is autistic’.”

As an AuDHD person, it would be useful to remind yourself that your experiences and functioning are unique to you. Your way of functioning is not universal to those who are neurodivergent, or even all those who are AuDHD. it is simply you. Do not generalise from yourself to your daughter.

I don’t know how your AuDHD affects you, and I’m sure you’re highly sensitive and empathetic. It might be helpful to practise considering issues from your daughter’s point of view.

Great post.