DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

You have been doing your absolute best, OP, in very difficult circumstances, but I’m afraid your DD has grown into a totally selfish person who thinks nobody's wishes or feelings matter other than her own. She's an adult now and needs to learn how to interact with other people, or what is the rest of her life going to be like?

Would it be possible for you to speak to your GP yourself to ask for help for her? Does she have an official diagnosis? A social worker?

OP, you sound absolutely incredible but this is just too much.
I have two sutistic children and I realise above all else that they need to survive in this world.
It certainly doesn't revolve around them.
How will she survive dhen you are gone?
Who will tolerate this.
Friends with difficult siblings whose parents largely abandoned them when their parents died.
They had had children and careers and simply were not prepared to indulge their relentless demands like their parents had.

You need to drop that rope before its too late.
Have you indulged this for 19 years?
If you have that will be very hard but you have to do it, while you can.

No home is one person and you do her a huge disservice by behaving like it is.

I too have indulged to an extent, but they need to be able to accept that not everything will go their way.
Acknowledgement that things can be hard, difficult and disappointing is a start.
But we do have to crack on with things.
I am not dismissing how hard it csn be but you are only one person and you can only do do much.
Sending you strength.

Hugs to you, this sounds very stressful. Would something like this work before the next birthday? Leave it in her court and if she doesn’t decide or doesn’t like it, then it’s fair to say it was down to her

‘Just come to me and let me know if you want to do something and what it is. I am happy to do something but don’t mind either way, so just to be clear I won’t be doing something unless you come to me and ask.’

The comments here ..some of them are harsh and ignorant. This is a mental condition...yes i agree as parent of a child with similar levels of anxiety that it needs ongoing and expert support. But unless you have lived with it you cant understand

To be spoilt would suggest the girl is getting her own way. In fact she sounds deeply stressed and unhappy

Op speaking from a position of deep empathy I do think you need to stop trying to ' meet' the anxiety by constantly solving it. Ie rebuying cakes and presents to try and soothe her mental stress

A doctor who specialises in ocd in autistic children told me you have to really resist constantly reassuring and responding yo the anxiety or phobia as it makes it worse.

Gentle insistence and calm support while saying things like ..im sorry your anxiety is not allowing you to make a decision etc etx and then either making one or just calmly hugging her through the distress byt dont take on always trying to find new solutions

I would be looking for a clinical psychologist with extensive Nd experience for her

So no autistic person can ever understand how their actions affect others? How condescending and insulting to autistic people. Disgusting to paint every single autistic person as if they're some sort of robot with no capacity.

Hard disagree. It really upset me when H said he didn’t consider himself to have a disability, as it meant he could not understand the profound and negative effect his autistic behaviours and thinking have on me and our children.

I was talking about a disability mostly in terms of how it can affect independent living such as finishing school holding down a job etc. The impact of autism and being abusive to other people is an entirely different issue. Someone can be intellectually brilliant, physically attractive and groomed, high earning and high achieving at work (all of which goes against the grain of autism being seen as a disability) but still an absolute abusive arsehole at home.

If anything, I definitely believe that a lot of abusive men are autistic or there's a heavy overlap between the two. The autism means they cannot see things from other peoples' perspectives and they attempt to force those closest to them to accommodate their needs through emotional or physical abuse. Autism also emulates narcissism and some people believe it's a pathway to becoming a narcissist. That's opening a whole new can of worms but I absolutely believe ND is frequently a factor in vile behaviour, particularly in men.

So no autistic person can ever understand how their actions affect others? How condescending and insulting to autistic people. Disgusting to paint every single autistic person as if they're some sort of robot with no capacity.

I would say it swings wildly in two directions. Some ND people (especially women) become hyperfocused in masking and picking up subtle cues in behaviour, body language or speech. They can become hyperempathetic because they recognise all sorts of subtle patterns that others miss. Other ND people are genuinely incapable of reflecting on how their actions affect others. As mentioned above, I think a huge percentage of abusive men have some level of ND as well.

It certainly wasn’t meant to be. I’ve been there and got the t-shirt.
When you are in the trenches with an autistic child it can be really hard to see the way out.

Someone reminding you of another way around the problem can be a godsend.

the OP sounds at her wits end.

To be fair who DOES have an understanding of autism given it means anything the person stating it wants it to mean and ‘if you’ve met one person with autism you’ve met one person with autism’ etc?

Autistic people don’t get to dominate others with ridiculous demands and treat them like servants. You can’t just brush over every valid criticism with ‘well, it’s autism so you can’t say that’.

As somebody who has been urged to seek diagnosis since I was about 16 (and this was back in the 2000s - so I must’ve been very apparent), I totally get feeling your brain is resistant to societal norms, but truly the moment we start giving up on these teenagers and waiting on them hand and foot is the moment we fail them. I feel depressed that a huge number of young people are frankly awaiting a life on benefits, shut away in their bedrooms with frail elderly parents running themselves ragged to ‘meet their needs’.

As proven on here autistic people can absolutely be productive and high achieving and ‘in society’, but that doesn’t come from this pandering.

OP, please don't let what happened to my relatives happen to you.

Over the years, they (well, mum mostly) have tied themselves in knots to meet the needs (and avoid meltdowns) of their daughter. ASD, OCD, an ED, and likely PDA (and possibly a personality disorder).

It hasn't resulted in a happier, contented adult. Over the years she has come to dominate and terrorise the home. I could give you so many examples of the behaviour they pander to and tolerate, but the point is, she is only this way with them. She is functional enough to understand that she won't get away with screaming and verbally abusing other adults.

She is very much 'failure to launch' and over the years her parents lives have made their lives smaller because it was easier to take the path of least resistance. They have no friends, no social lives, no holidays - everything is about their adult child and her needs. They don't live, they exist.

What this has resulted in is: she has never worked, no education, lives terminally online in her bedroom, only comes out to eat (and only when her parents have vacated the kitchen as they're not 'allowed' to be in there when she is). Her parents bought her a flat, but she only stays there for a couple of days at a time, because it is an easier life to say she's stressed, come back home and be looked after by her enablers.

My relatives are now elderly and have been referred to adult safeguarding for elder abuse. They consider it a 'win' that she doesn't have frequent meltdowns etc, but they have failed as parents to raise an adult that can function (with support) in the outside world, they just continually 'fed the monster' and now it has engulfed and destroyed their lives.

It might sound like I'm taking about someone of your DD's age, but my relative is in her 50s.

She sounds extremely exhausting. She’s a grown up now, time to stop pandering to her. So you made a mistake, you are human and you don’t need to jump to her rigid rules. Honestly you are doing her a disservice by entertaining this from her. She had a horrible day because SHE spoilt her own day. She’s an adult now, you need to leave her to figure out life for herself. Who else is going to entertain this? Definitely not a partner, very few friends will either, and she’s pissing off her own family.

I'd also say, having had a look at last year's post from OP (linked higher up) how is your DH? and your other DD?

Parenting isn't about being a "yes man" it is about bringing up people to function their best in a society that may not have their best interests at heart (late capitalism, take a bow)

So in your shoes i would go through the presents with her, as you said. And i would talk about life in general and birthdays in particular. Going forward? if you are keen that she has a cake, and she agrees that cake is nice on a birthday, when she turns 20, you have a cake do-over with the cakes that have been "skipped" in the right order. Line under the cake, and going forwards it is Colin every year (unless you treat 21 as significant? then she gets the highly personalised one like your other DDs 18th)

Presents? Sales tactics. No closed questions. "Dad and i would like to give you something for your birthday. Would you like a present or money?" If it's money - fab, you either hand her the notes on the day, or you transfer to her bank account. If present - since i assume you know her - "would you like X or Y"

But you also make it clear that she must engage with professioinals - either for medication or therapy or both - to find a way for her to navigate life.. She is already at a massive disadvantage through not attending school. What is your, and her, plan for her future?

I do agree, btw, with some of the sentiment that we are building a huge workforce problem. I worked in a very progressive company a few years ago. We were requested so many adjustments - not all were reasonable, and unfortunately the owners agreed to some automatically without thinking it through - that we had people who wouldn't come to the office ever (was ok). Would only sit in one particular corner of the office (we hotdesked, we were supposed to try to work in as many different areas of the office as possible and sit next to as many different colleagues as possible as that helps the work we did). For one person it was ok, we could block that desk in the system. But then another person wanted another desk, and so on. Until all that was left were the utterly shitty desks (near the toilet, near the noisy kitchen, under the aircon) etc etc. Good people left and it was an utter disaster when some of the unreasonable demands were rolled back.

We need to prepare all our children for life outside a loving family. And how to cope with being told "no" or to put up with things that aren't "perfect".

I feel like I have read this exact thread before?

I know a family like this as well and it's very sad. The mum is already in her late 60s, the dad passed away some years ago. The mum's been living with her adult daughter since she was unable to complete uni and their entire life is basically at home or taking a very short walk to the local supermarket. They don't travel, meet people or anything else. It's more limited than having a toddler. The daughter doesn't seem to have any friends, let alone relationship, and it's been going on for over two decades.

I agree.

She can be difficult and contrary all she likes, but at the end of the day, she's 19, not 9.

You sound like a lovely mum, who is trying her best. But what's the long-term plan for DD? She sounds like she's a long way off living an independent adult life.

So sick of hearing about my friend's autistic daughter who also behaves like a highly spoiled prima donna. Why are there no boundaries? When you are gone, no one else is ever going to pander to her crap so you are doing her no favours by spoiling her to this degree. To me, it is utterly ridiculous and setting her up for misery. I'd sit her down and tell her you've had enough.

Honestly just stop. Give her money for birthday & christmas and just have it as that. Don’t pander and get her more presents and cakes she doesn’t even appreciate it. So stop.
Im autistic i hate people asking what I want, they just gift me money if they want to gift me and it makes it easier all round as it just sits in my bank until I see something. She sounds very similar.

She’s 19, you’ve gone far too far trying to accommodate her.

I have a ND child and yes, I do make allowances for their struggles but I also have basic behaviour expectations that are the same for all my children. One of them tells me or DH to fuck off and they are getting both barrels. No exceptions.

I agree with those who have said you need to stop being such a doormat, she’s taking the piss.

OP posted in November worrying about the upcoming birthday

Not taking any shit? Not a very nice attitude you've got.

I think you're doing your best. You can't always make everything perfect in exactly the way that might work best for her - that is impossible. As well as autism she is a teenager still going through teenage things. Give yourself a break. You didn't cause anything. You are still allowed to have boundaries too.

I'd also suggest being careful with language so no "i promise i will..." rather than "shall we ..." and let DD be in charge of rectifying the "mistakes".

But again: where is DH in all this? Why are his opinions being ignored? and why is she allowed to tell him to fuck off?

Sounds like you’re putting a lot of demands on her. Constantly asking about food, cake, presents. Who cares if she takes months to decide about a present. Just let her do things in her own time. My DS is the same. He shuts down if there’s too many questions, too many options.

I read those accounts with fear we have lovely friends whose Dd 17 is autistic and could be like this. They have also described how it’s worse than having a toddler as they can’t just get a sitter. She won’t have anyone in the house so they can’t entertain any more despite previously being very social.

Heart breaks for these parents trying to do right for their children but actually it seems the cruel to be kind tough love approach might be the right one.

I agree that there is an unpleasant political trend (by no means limited to Reform!) that revolves around suggesting that all disabled people are malingerers who need a kick up the backside. This is simplistic and cruel and wrong. But there is such a thing as balance; and this involves recognising that encouraging people in destructive behavioural patterns, which could be modified, is not supportive.

By way of example - anorexia is a hugely significant condition. People suffering from anorexia most certainly do not need ‘a kick up the backside’. Their condition is real, & devastating. But nor would it be ‘supportive’ to encourage them to diet.

I mentioned above that my mother was diagnosed with autism late in life, & that her very challenging behaviour patterns had been encouraged by loving parents who (like the OP in the case of her dd) just wanted to make her happy.

The result was engrained expectations & behaviour in adult life that certainly made for a miserable and terrifying childhood for me - she was mentally & physically abusive. It also had a devastating effect on her own life, which has been characterised by loss & loneliness (as people inevitably walk away from her), grief, missed opportunities, and rage & frustration.

In recent years I have spent much time talking to my mother about her early life as remembering these halcyon days brings her some peace. It is very clear to me that tragically there were so many missed opportunities to help her by encouraging strategies that would have enabled her to become ‘a person in the world’ (to use a lovely phrase from a pp above).

My grandparents had some excuse, in that in the 1930s & 40s & 50s there was no understanding of autism, or of how people with ‘high functioning’ autism (to use that contentious phrase) could be taught life strategies. But now we do not have that excuse. There are websites and books and therapists.

We should avoid cruelly denying the reality of neurodiversity (and of other mental and physical conditions), yes, but this absolutely does not mean we should not encourage appropriate life strategies.

For parents, this is a duty. I think OP has lost sight of this.

How would she react to you calmly explaining to her that you had

• forgotten about your offer to buy her another cake. Sometimes people forget things and make mistakes.
• she is not powerless in this situation. If you have forgotten to do something that she remembers and is upset about, she can remind you
• her reminding you about something and giving you the opportunity to do the thing is likely to have a better outcome than her resenting the fact you have forgotten about the thing

Does she have any moments where she can put things into perspective - eg the fact that some chocolate from her last cake was thrown in the bin isn't worthy of being upset about a year on?

This sounds terribly difficult for you, OP. I don't know that you continuing to apologise and always trying to second guess the right thing to avoid upsetting her is going to help her in the long term.