DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

You sound like a lovely mum with the patience of a saint. I know they can’t help it but I would really struggle not to lose it with that behaviour.

I was impossible to please in my teenage years so to an extent I sympathise with her. However, it seems (other than the cake - could you not have just nipped out to the supermarket?) you've tried. You just need to tell her that you want to make her happy, you're not intentionally getting things wrong, but she'll need to decide what she wants if you're going to do it.

Is it possible she's dropped subtle hints and disappointed you haven't paid attention and picked up on them?

Could you suggest that next year, maybe a month or two before her birthday that she makes a list or she could plan a day out to chose her present, go for lunch and then somewhere you could go for cake?

Then it will be decided and written down.
Might make it less stressful for you both.

You sound like you have done your best to be honest, you have been considerate and caring. I don’t think you need to feel bad here:

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain).

This sounds like pda maybe. Would pda strategies help?

I remember your other post I think.

I’m sorry it’s all so difficult OP. For her and for you. I have a DC with autism too and it just really makes live more difficult. Thinking of you both 💐

@Rora24 I did actually pop out and picked up a Colin cake (standard in our house for non significant birthdays). However she says she can’t have either now as they have to be one after the other.

I'm sorry it's been such a tough day. 💐 Your daughter's behaviour sounds very difficult.

I think she finds it extremely difficult to choose though. My autistic DC can be like this too, found it really difficult to write a Santa list when younger for example, far too much pressure.

Yes definitely PDA traits. I thought maybe me making the decision about the restaurant might take the pressure off the decision making but clearly I got that very wrong. She’s saying I don’t listen to her.

Has she ever said why she needs them in a particular order? Just wondering if there could be aspects of ocd to this? Relevant because an ssri can help with ocd.

your DD made her own birthday into a disaster

Yes prob some OCD traits too. But she won’t see a doctor or indeed any health professional to investigate medication.

It’s so hard to know what to do best sometimes. Mine has some pda traits too, but sometimes still needs someone else to step in and take charge because they’re so exhausted from everything and can’t function anymore.

Seconded
Id have been sobbing as well

That all sounds terribly tough OP.
Seems whatever you do, it’s wrong.

You sound a great mum and I hope DD will recognise that you’ve really gone above and beyond (somehow).

You're on a hiding to nowhere. You'll never do it right. Sounds like cake is forever more off the birthday menu as you've messed up the order a year ago. That's just silly.

She's a grown up. She's no longer a child. Can you have a conversation with her about her choices - how they impact her and others.

Her lack of guidance and saying what she wanted is why she ended up crying in the kitchen. You wanted to make the day special for her but she refused and rejected everything you offered. What should you have done if she was not providing any input?

I think I agree.
I feel sorry for OP. She’s tried so hard.

What would frustrate me is the fact that she can help herself by seeing the GP, engaging with therapists etc. but chooses not to. The behaviour itself is just a symptom and I could cope with that. It's just the sheer unwillingness to help herself that would send me round the bend.

She sounds spoilt and difficult to be around. If you keep indulging her this way what is her future going to be like? Autism (she's high functioning enough to complain endlessly using full sentences isn't she? Thought so...) is not an excuse for this situation to have gotten as out of hand as it has. You must be exhausted after years of this. I fear the patterns are too ingrained. Get professional counseling/ help for you for your own wellbeing and start setting boundaries. She's 19 now. If she's old enough to whinge about everything you are doing wrong, then she's old enough to learn some better coping skills than "mummy will fix everything to the nth degree". She's not 6, she's not 8. She's playing a game. It's time you changed the rules.

To be fair to her, I didn’t ask her what she would like for a present mainly because she finds it so hard to decide and it takes months after the birthday is long over. So I decided on money plus a few small things to open (I had a cushion made with our cat’s pic on it).

I did say I’d get her the extra cake, she showed me a message from no eke NR when I said I’d get it next week. I never did, I forgot. And for an autistic person, if someone says they’ll do something then they should.

Would it help to remove the issue of The Birthday? So instead of all the pressure on one day, she lets you know somewhere she'd like to eat and you go there on a random Tuesday night etc so it doesn't feel like a big build up to a specific day that then has to go perfectly or be ruined. Maybe smaller 'birthday' celebrations throughout the year would work and her 'actual' birthday could be a chilled day at home with a favourite film and takeaway to make it more predictable and less pressured.

I'm not autistic, but being asked what I want to do about my birthday stresses me out -i want my gift to be not having to do any decision-making (which I do appreciate is hugely unhelpful, but I can still dream!)

You sound like a lovely, lovely mum OP. Birthdays are weird and overwhelming, I usually have a little cry on mine even if I’m having a nice time.

Could you have a whiteboard, Google Doc, note somewhere with birthday ideas? Start now in prep for next year, giving her the chance to put ideas down as and when she’s able to. Then she feels listened to but it makes things easier for you? You could always book a few different restaurants you know she likes then cancel nearer the time. Does she like baking, would she maybe get involved with baking a cake or designing one if she’s artsy? ASDA do the print on a cake thingy.

Some things I’ve promised her I can’t go back on though, can I?

You absolutely can. And I think getting an outside perspective from a professional could help you see this.

You can absolutely keep the promises you made. Don't you think it's about time she made a few promises of her own though?