DD’s birthday was an utter disaster

[bendmeoverbackwards]

It’s DD’s 19th birthday today. She’s ASD and has been out of education for a few years.

Last couple of birthdays have been disappointing to her and I know this one brought up a lot of emotion not just about birthdays but also her situation in general.

I asked her a few weeks ago if she wanted to see a particular show and a meal at a steak place. She just said no but gave no other suggestions. I then asked last week of she wanted just a meal out and where - no response. So I decided to book a local restaurant just in case as Saturday nights get busy, with the option of cancelling if she didn’t want to.

When I told her, she wasn’t happy and said she couldn’t do it now because I’d chosen it (autistic brain). I asked where else she’d like to go but didn’t get a reply. I suggested a takeaway, took hours of questions about this, she didn’t see a takeaway as a birthday celebration. She eventually decided on pizza.

I also got her a beautiful personalised cake. Last year for her 18th, I got her a nice chocolate cake with her name on but it didn’t have the same personalisation as her older sister’s 18th birthday cake (which was celebrated in lockdown so I pushed the boat out a bit). Also the board base was accidentally thrown out when there was a tiny bit of chocolate left on it. She complained about this for months. I said I would buy her an extra cake (cheapy supermarket cake) but I forgot.

Now she says she can’t have this year’s cake because of the lack of the other one and it would be in the wrong order (autistic brain again).

Choosing presents is also difficult for her so I chose a few small gifts and paid in £50 birthday money into her account. She didn’t like this either, she wanted to choose her own presents (but from past experience she takes ages to choose, months and months, so I thought I’d make it easier by giving her money).

Written down, I realise she sounds like a spoilt brat. But I didn’t do some things that I said I would eg buy her an additional cake and take her for a belated birthday meal (from last year).

The evening ended with her sobbing in the kitchen and me losing my temper 😢

Same

i can tell you’re feeling guilty, but you’ve done nothing wrong. You didn’t ruin her birthday, and did some nice stuff (and normal birthday stuff) for her. You offered her theatre tickets, organised a meal etc, and she rejected everything. As someone said upthread, she sabotaged her birthday and seemed determined to blame you. She needs to take some responsibility as to what she wants, and not to expect you to miraculously know and plan the perfect birthday.

As a mum of an autistic/ADHD teenager who has a PDA profile whose needs are high enough he is in a special placement at school i would say its time to have a conversation with her about how ungrateful she comes across. She needs to start growing up a bit now. She is an adult not a child. You can adapt the conversation to a manner she will understand better but right now you are dojng her no favours by pandering to her constantly. It sounds like you cant do right for wrong and given her age its time to speak to her about how her attitude impacts others around her. Its also time to explain to her to have the birthday she wants she needs to tell you what that is because your not a mind reader. Your doing her mo favours long term by not teaching her these things because you wont always be there and others will get fed up with her.

I agree with your DH, OP. Your daughter has treated your poorly. You've gone above and beyond to do nice things for her birthday and even if she has ASD, she can be told her behavior is not appropriate.

I wouldn't do one more thing for her regarding this birthday. Tell her you did what you could and now it's over.

By bending over backward to try to please her, you're teaching her that she can treat anyone poorly if they don't do exactly as she expects them to. People are not mind readers. This will only hurt her relationships with friends, bosses and partners. It's doing her a disservice to spoil her like this. Other people won't put up with it.

Ah this is the DD who won’t let the other DD come into the kitchen when she is eating and developed an intensive disliking for the DD, only wants to go to Russell group uni even though doesn’t have the grades, blames OP for this and won’t accept her diagnosis.

No idea what to suggest but similarly to all the other threads, her behaviour still seems to rule the roost.

I would tell her that it's got too messy, it's time for you all to draw a line under it and all previous birthdays, and that you love her and can meet next birthday anew when it comes around. A fresh start would be good for everyone.

This way you don't have any more discussions, the perception of disrespect stops for both sides (even if she sulks for a long time) and you will both feel freer.

You sound very lovely and caring - but she is an adult now she’s 19 not 9! If she treated friends or a partner like this she will be alone.

I think you need to have a conversation about her going to the GP/ specialists so she can transition to adulthood

Others have already pointed out that you can’t take responsibility for managing these birthdays forever. Going forward, if she doesn’t give any input, then choosing a thoughtful “best‑guess” gift is perfectly reasonable. That doesn’t mean you need to be unkind or deliberately pick something she won’t enjoy, just that you’re not obligated to keep spending extra time and money trying to make up for past occasions.

You forgot a cake, which is disappointing, but it’s hardly the crime of the century. Try not to let guilt or emotional pressure push you into overcompensating. If you allow that pattern to continue, you’ll end up feeling responsible for her reactions indefinitely.

Setting clear boundaries now will make things much easier in the long run. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but she will eventually understand that she can’t control or manipulate the situation, and that will create a much healthier dynamic for everyone involved.

As a parent to 3 kids with pda I frankly think you need to be a lot stricter with her and should have been for YEARS! I completely understand you trying to sort this all but frankly yes your daughter is being a spoilt brat and needs telling that she is and that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable!! And she should have been told that last year!! Without being a lot stricter parents with children with ASD and pda end up with adults that are a nightmare and also you need to remember that the normal world won’t molly coddle to their strops! It’s a lot harder work initially to put these boundaries in and with teenage years Frankly a nightmare but if you stick with it then it goes in and stays in eventually with them and you need to be more stubborn than them and not take any shit off them and not allow this behaviour to become the norm.
last year you should have made it clear that you didn’t want to hear anymore about the cake tray and she was being ridiculous and she had the rest of the cake to eat and any left on the tray was stale and it’s gone now and you do not want to hear anymore about it!!

My word, this would make me go crazy.
If she's going to be upset with everything regardless of what you do,
Why not say, you're 18 now, or 20, whatever,
you have a budget of x amount, let me know what you decide to do.
Then she can only blame herself if things go wrong.
She's blaming you anyway...

ONLY if allowed to carry on like this!!! Autistic children and adults can change but it requires a lot of input and for the parent to stick to not taking any shit from them and not allowing them to manipulate and control! Which is VERY hard yes but living with a 19 year old who is controlling the entire household is even harder!

I think that it is the birthday which is causing the problem, not you. So there is nothing which you can do that will lead to a good outcome.

So, I would stop worrying about previous birthdays at all. Put any presents which are hanging around into her room, away in drawers and get rid of gift bags. If she specifically asks you for something and you have promised a present, get it for her but don’t prompt her to do it .

Next year don’t ask anything in the run up to her birthday, don’t ask about presents or celebrations or dinner etc. If she specifically asks for something agree but otherwise don’t mention it at all. See if that improves things.

You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about op. Her behaviour was terrible and she won’t cope in life if she continues like that.

Would it help if next time, you narrowed it down to 3 choices for everything so she found it easier to choose?

As in, for your birthday, would you like ‘pizza, steak or chinese takeaway’. Would you like ‘a necklace, some chocolate or a clothes voucher?’ Show 2 different cakes with pictures. No offer of a second cake.

If she wants to remind you about cakes from previous years, then you remind her about what happed this year and why you are narrowing down choices.

Edited to add it’s interesting what i’m saying is the opposite of the PP. I suppose if next year DD refuses to make a choice out of options, then say the alternative is nothing.

It sounds like a tough day for you all. Autism has such a profound impact, it’s so difficult that we can’t ‘see’ it and think the person is in control of their behaviour but so often they are not. I know too well the process of offering two options and eventually deciding myself, to ensure at least something happens, because it feels like the person finds it exhausting to choose.

Cognitive processing can impact behaviour and I find it’s particularly obvious around birthdays and important events.

I’ve recently read about rumination and perseveration, ( I need to do more research about it myself) being stuck in that mental loop of negative thoughts. It wasn’t something I’d heard of before.

https://autismawarenesscentre.com/what-is-anger-rumination-and-how-does-it-affect-individuals-with-asd/

I think she sabotaged her own birthday. Sounds like she was planning to be disappointed no matter what. Her not engaging with your questions about what she wanted to do etc was just to set you up to fail for her bday. In her mind as you didn't get the replacement cake her birthday was already going to be ruined.

You need to step away from taking the blame for the situation and tell her that you got her a cake, presents and organised a meal. If she wanted something different she should have communicated that with you as you aren't a mind reader. Point out that it's her fault her birthday was ruined and no one else's. Also tell her she's an adult now so receiving cash for birthdays is acceptable for her as she doesn't know what she wanted and gave you no ideas. You need to put your foot down now and stop pandering to her. The behavior seems more about being a difficult teenager rather than related to autism. You have tip toed around her and tried to pander to her rather than make her take on responsibility herself.

No! calling autistic people ‘manipulating’ or ‘controlling’ is harmful. Autism can’t be cured. Challenging behaviour usually comes from stress or unmet needs, not bad intentions. Boundaries matter, but so does understanding what’s driving the behaviour. Drop the dehumanising language. You’ve ignorantly reduced a complex neurodevelopmental condition to “bad behaviour,” which is unfair, untrue, and harmful.

From another parent of ND dc, you are walking on eggshells permanently around your dd.

It sounds like your entire household comes second to her.

Yes things can be overwheming but she is 19 now, but you have been letting her absolutely rule the roost. As it's most likely how it's always been.
She is going to go out into the world as a adult, with no coping skills as she has never had to learn any.

Our dc can have a diagnosis and have ways of coping at the same time. She swears at her father and gets away with it.
She doesn't want to see a medical team to learn coping skills, and then everyone suffers because she doesn't have those skills.

This. I know you wanted to make it nice for her but she was determined to spoil it.

Ds2 is mildly autistic and it always surprises me about his capacity to spoil treats. He gets a fixed idea and there's no making the best of something if its not exactly why he wants. It's exhausting.

You have my sympathy.

I think you need to realise its not you, it's her. Stop blaming yourself.

Maybe acknowledged the hint and done nothing? After all, she's an adult. Putting pressure on her won't help at all. It'll just make her feel like she's failing. Same by arranging things that she doesn't seem to agree to.

To be honest i think you need to pull back from accommodating her so much & trying to please her. How is she ever going to manage in life, society is not going to tolerate it.

She isnt going to be happy with anything you offer anyway and all you are doing is showing her rude responses etc will be tolerated from her with no consequences.

Maybe she doesn't really want to celebrate her birthday? Let her lead on asking for something. She's an adult.

No! calling autistic people ‘manipulating’ or ‘controlling’ is harmful. Autism can’t be cured. Challenging behaviour usually comes from stress or unmet needs, not bad intentions.

Autistic people can be dickheads as much as anyone else. They can also be polite and well behaved. Challenging behaviour can start from stress and unmet needs but it can also be the result of parenting/social experiences. My neighbours son is autistic. She has several other kids who's needs she also needs to meet, so could never let him rule the house, and she doesn't tolerate rude or selfish behaviour. Her son is lovely. He obviously displays various unusual/ND behaviours but he is largely polite (or at least not rude).

People become selfish and badly behaved through learning where boundaries are and what will or won't be tolerated.

It can be hard to understand that some people struggle with birthdays- amongst the pressure, decisions, anticipation of change to routines you have the weight of feeling like you need to please others by enjoying a 'standard' birthday the way they enjoy celebrating theirs.

You can tell you are a good mum who wants the best for her, but next year i would listen to her; she will know her birthday is coming up so no need for constant questions, ask low pressured once and if she doesnt come back with ideas that is your answer. You know her best and the answer isnt one size fits all, but as has been said the day itself is a lot of pressure, so maybe next time a meal out the weekend after wont be so stressful.

Some things I’ve promised her I can’t go back on though, can I?

There are multiple young kids tv shows (eg Bluey) that deal with the difficulties of promises, and explain that when adults say "i promise", it usually means "I hope", because we can't control everything in the world and all we can do is try/do our best. I wouldn't have even promised the extra cake in the first place, you're chasing after her happiness and it isn't in your gift. She is 19.

Not necessarily true. I've previously worked for a charity supporting hundreds of children and young adults with ASD and have done extensive training (on top of my psychology degree with units on ASD) and have learnt that every individual is different. Some, particularly females, learn how to do things like drop hints just as they can learn to to mask. The problem usually comes in that their expectation of others to pick up on them and know what they want is unrealistic as they struggle to see it from the other person's point of view.

Thanks for your patronising response though.

Its horrible for her that her brain works this way please ignore anyone who judges her

You did and are doing your best. Being autistic is a disability and she is the one suffering.

My 11 year old is autistic and it all sounds painfully familiar