Urgent advice needed. Probably going to have to leave.

[lifegonewrong2]

Nc for this. Need some advice. Had a horrible incident tonight where my dh was awful to my son (his stepson, been in his life since ds was a toddler - mostly relationship is good but Dh can’t cope with teenage strops and attitude). Tonight ds was rude and Dh just totally blew up, was intimidating towards him and when I intervened he was awful to me too. Ds went to bed in tears. Dh and I had a horrible row. dh called my son a cunt. I can’t get past it. I know my son isn’t perfect but to hear a grown man speak about him like that is vile.

We have a younger dc together. Dh is the primary earner, I work part time but Dh covers all household costs. We will all wake up here tomorrow and I am thinking I should pack some things and just take the kids to a hotel or something. I don’t know what to do.

My relationship with Dh isn’t perfect but we are mostly ok but I can’t cope with him speaking or treating my son like that. I have no idea what to do next but I can’t be around him or have ds around him.

Does your husband acknowledge he’s behaved unacceptably and is he willing to try to find a way forward? Or is he likely to be strident and think it’s his way or the highway.

Hoe old is your son and what is the disagreement about?

He’s crossed a line OP. You already know this. Sleep on couch tonight (unfortunately hotels are expensive) and tomorrow, cool as cucumber tell him he went too far…

Ds is 14. He was rude to dh and I don’t dispute that. I try to mediate all the time between them, it’s draining. It’s becoming clear that despite being in his life for many years he just doesn’t have the patience and paternal feelings/tolerance towards him that I do. I can see ds behaviour is shitty at times but he’s my son. On the whole he’s a really good kid, works hard, focused on his schooling and sport. But yeah he can be full of attitude at times. Dh reaction tonight was way over the top though and the row that we had once ds had gone to bed turned very ugly. Dh would not accept any wrongdoing, may be different tomorrow once the dust has settled. I’m just fucked tbh, I can’t afford this house alone. I could barely afford a rental.

You can't say what you have, but not say how old your son is or what the argument about... Waiting for the drip feed.

Edited as you have just posted

Sounds like you need to have a chat the 3 of you about house rules and respectful behaviour.

Sounds like it was just a heated argument. I wouldn't ltb, just try and improve everyone's communication so everyone knows what the rules and boundaries are.

It would depend on whether this was the first time he's been like that, and how he approached things tomorrow for me.
If he apologised to us both (and not because I told him to) and seemed genuinely remorseful I'd be willing to stay as long as we had a good, respecful, conversation about why he feels he escalated to the point he did and what he'll do instead next time he's that angry. I'd also benvery clear it isn't something I would tolerate a second time. If he felt like any of that was an unreasonable expectation, or didn't think he was in the wrong at all I'd be lining my ducks up.

I agree but if the reality is he doesn’t actually like his step son then this has no resolution.

They are both so incredibly pig headed. Neither will apologise. They’d probably just walk around the house ignoring each other making a vile atmosphere for me and younger dc. Im sick of being mediator. I said some vile things to Dh tonight too so im not perfect but all I do is try to juggle kids, work, marriage and I still end up in the middle of this shit. I sometimes feel it would be easier for me to be alone with the dc but no idea how to make that happen practically. And I also do love my dh for the most part, not right at this moment as his behaviour tonight has seriously made me question the whole marriage.

Also, your son’s rudeness a reaction to your husband treating him contemptuously?

It isn't fair to draw parallels between a 14yo and an adult stepfather.

The adult is being much more unpleasant, because they should know better.

You shouldn't have to mediate, the other adult should be mature enough to handle ordinary teen behaviour.

Playing devils advocate here but perhaps your DS needed to know he was being a cunt? DH no doubt struggles to accept your DS poor rude behaviour and rightly so if it’s in the family home? Is DS really a good kid or is he actually more of a nightmare? Siding with him will do no favours long term, he needs boundaries and discipline not knowing you’ll always have his back no matter how cunty he is towards his stepfather.

Dh actually does a lot for ds but can wind him up not always intentionally.

I see that phrase ‘get your ducks in a row’ so often on MN but how? I hold no cards here. Dh pays for everything. And the way I feel right now I just want to leave with the dc. If we do split how do we live in the meantime? It’s awful that I’m even having to think this. Just today we were out having a nice day all of us. Then one massive blow up spoils it all. It isn’t the first time they’ve argued like this and I can’t stand it much more.

Ds does need pulling up on behaviour but not in an aggressive way with foul language. Dh is the adult and should know better. I’d never speak to my dc like that so don’t expect him to either.

A possible first step is to tell your DH you are seriously considering separation and ask him to come to co-parenting therapy with you to discuss the issues with a neutral person.

Sounds like an argument that went too far and words were said that shouldn’t have been. I think this happens in most families at one time or other.

The important thing is how it’s resolved. If you can all reconcile and apologise in the morning, and you can be clear what’s acceptable and what isn’t, that’s fine and you move on… It it develops into a feud and people refuse to speak, then that’s more serious.

There will always be some on MN who will tell you the LTB in every situation… I’d bet those that always leap to eagerly to this are often just projecting their unhappiness with their own life and partner.

Most people will lose their temper when pushed to the edge. Just because someone’s an adult doesn’t mean they’re a saint. I’m not excusing your DH, just recognise that people mess up some times.

I thought this. Without details, there is a heavy undertone of DS’s behaviour possibly being unacceptable and a lack of discipline. OP are you able to give a bit more context to help people give you balanced and well-informed advice?

What actually happened?

You say your son needs to be pulled up. Is he consistently difficult? Does your husband have unrealistic expectations?

If you asked your son if he’d rather live away from your husband what would he say?

’Doing a lot for him’ is transactional. Does he love him and care for/about him?

Ds told dh to shut up. Dh has a habit of going on about things or winding ds up. Not always intentionally but ds will say ‘shut up’ when he’s had enough. It’s been a long standing bug bear of Dh and we’ve both asked ds many times not to say it. It is rude. I’m not disputing that. But Dh can’t see that he has irritated him either.

If Dh and I split up it certainly wouldn’t benefit the dc practically. We’d have much less money, probably have to move out of the area and I wouldn’t be able to facilitate half of dc activities and lifestyles on my own. I have no family so no support.

But emotionally it may be calmer as the two of them clash. Not emotionally better for younger dc who would then have family split up.

I want to rectify it. As I said, our marriage is ok but I cannot accept someone speaking to and about my child like this. I have tried to summarise as best I can that yes ds can be insolent but is overall a good kid. He is sensitive and has been really upset by tonight but tries to hide it because he’s at that age where he feels he has to be big and tough and unbothered. It’s a really difficult age as most teen parents will know and I need someone who is on the same parenting page as me to manage it. Not someone who is going to create chaos and upset us all. None of our actions tonight have been good but I believe Dh is the one to blame because of his gross over reaction.

If I try and get them to talk tomorrow neither will be forthcoming and neither will voluntarily apologise. So where do I go from there? I’m fucking sick of it. I try my best with my dc and all I want is a quiet life.

So your DH wilfully winds up your son. You say not on purpose all the time so sometimes he DOES do it intentionally.

Shut up IS rude but it’s not the kind of thing that should spiral into such a volatile situation.

I suspect that this is the case of a man tolerating a child early on because he loved his mother, but years later the reality of the situation has set in and he’s not up for the task.

My son is 13. We have a joke around etc. If he doesn’t like something he tells us, we stop and apologise and it’s over. No ‘wind ups’ etc.

And if your son sees the difference in affection and treatment he get vs your joint child then it’s no wonder he feels tetchy.

And what do you say to your DS when he says shut up ? If my kids , step or not said shut up to either of us there would be sharp consequences. You keep saying DS is a good kid but this is not acceptable to most people . Kindly suggesting that you are being blind to his bad behaviour and making excuses for him. Your DH may have just lost it and you said you said bad things too . It's very raw now but perhaps in the morning a calm discussion can be had . Your DS may be upset now but honestly he is dealing with the consequences of his own actions . He needs to know that saying shut up to an adult is not acceptable and you need to stop making excuses for him. Don't undermine your husband . DH doesn't hate your son but I bet he hates this behaviour.
Respect for authority starts at home .

If I were you I’d up my hours and start getting my ducks in a row - earning more is going to give you much more choice in the long run so when this happens again you aren’t trapped.

Son is pulled up on it. Dh is often reminded not to goad him. Neither seem to listen. And it’s always me left to pick up the pieces. I don’t know what I’m meant to do tomorrow. As I said, neither will be mature enough to apologise and it’ll just be a nasty atmosphere. We usually all sit down and have Sunday lunch together but can’t see that happening. I am not making excuses for my son. I’m just trying to paint the picture of him being overall a good kid. He doesn’t swear or cause problems. He’s mostly in his room. He was rude tonight but the reaction of Dh was so far over the top and it’s spiralled into Dh and I having a terrible row and ds going to bed in tears which is very unlike him.

I wish I was more financially independent but it’s very hard with no family support. I do the lions share of household stuff and childcare. All life admin. Dh pays but all the practical stuff comes down to me. I constantly feel like I’m chasing my tail as it is without all of this bullshit. I feel totally unsupported. I just wish I could disappear tbh.

Unfortunately a lot of boys at that age are c!nts to their family. Horrible attitudes, rude, obnoxious. And a lot of parents - more often than not dads - struggle to tolerate this.

My family had a huge problem with my brother having an absolutely foul attitude at that age. Mum crept around him and dad got very angry, like your partner. My parents ended up splitting up and eventually divorcing over it.

I think leaving is basically teaching your son that his foul attitude is okay and that he's the victim in this situation, when really he's old enough to know not to be horrible and rude.

In the UK we always make excuses for bad behaviour from teens and so the problem escalates as they get away with it. In other countries a more strict approach means that teens treat their parents with respect.

This is a truly disgusting response.

OP, I have a teen boy and a DH who isn't his father so I get it. DH has got frustrated with DS many times along the teenage years but not once has he been aggressive verbally or otherwise. If he called my DS a cunt he would be beyond gone. Absolutely the fuck not. That behaviour is not what I accept for my child or myself. It's ok to draw the line.