Urgent advice needed. Probably going to have to leave.

[lifegonewrong2]

Nc for this. Need some advice. Had a horrible incident tonight where my dh was awful to my son (his stepson, been in his life since ds was a toddler - mostly relationship is good but Dh can’t cope with teenage strops and attitude). Tonight ds was rude and Dh just totally blew up, was intimidating towards him and when I intervened he was awful to me too. Ds went to bed in tears. Dh and I had a horrible row. dh called my son a cunt. I can’t get past it. I know my son isn’t perfect but to hear a grown man speak about him like that is vile.

We have a younger dc together. Dh is the primary earner, I work part time but Dh covers all household costs. We will all wake up here tomorrow and I am thinking I should pack some things and just take the kids to a hotel or something. I don’t know what to do.

My relationship with Dh isn’t perfect but we are mostly ok but I can’t cope with him speaking or treating my son like that. I have no idea what to do next but I can’t be around him or have ds around him.

You are well out of order with your post. Calling a 14 year old a cunt is always going to be wrong. How can you possibly think the DH was in the right?

Protect your son @lifegonewrong2 and get him away from this abuse.

Op leave for a few days with the kids and make sure he knows it's because of this. Not with anger but with calm saying this is serious and we need a break, it isn't ok. Give everyone a chance to breathe and think about how you've ended up without being triggered and activated. It'll show your son that you do something about it when he's being treated like that, it'll show your DH that you will respond seriously when he does something that serious and time to think, and it'll show your younger dc that what happened isn't normal and ok

I have had no sleep (as you can probably see from the time). Just been tossing and turning all night. I go between wanting to sort things and feeling sure my marriage is over. The responses here are quite mixed which shows it’s not clear cut, ds was out of order but I honestly don’t see how I can get past Dh behaviour.

Im absolutely terrified of what’s next to be honest. I have no family support, Dh is literally the only person I have. The thought of splitting up is very scary and I know even if we did then there’d still be an interim period where we’d have to all live together. My head is all over the place and no idea how I’ll cope tomorrow on no sleep with all these emotions. I’m honestly so angry with both of them at the moment.

Of someone was winding me up and this was a pattern of behaviour over a long period of time. I would probably say worse than shut up! Your DS is 14 and he is still learning conflict management skills and it's normal for him to not respond the greatest in situations that are uncomfortable for him.

On the other side your DH is a grown man amd if he can not understand that winding people up is not the wisest move then one day someone will say or do far worse than tell him to shut up. Your DH even if he isn't Intentionally winding up your DS, he should be able to see from DS reactions that it's not a welcome interaction.

I have 3 teen DS between 14-18 and if my DH regularly wound them up I would tell him to shut up. Their attitudes can stink at times as let's be honest so can everyone's but the adults are supposed to set the example and your DH is the one that owes an apology. Why should DS apologise for being antagonised and then snapping mildly.

Maybe family therapy or even couples therapy would be a good idea. A safe space for all of you to open up with someone to mediate and help navigate the difficulties.

If you do leave, check online at what benefits ect you will be entitled to. You can also use an online child maintenance calculator. Sometimes it's better to struggle financially for a while to have peace in your home and life.

I would say its clear cut OP. Your DH is the adult and HIS behaviour was disgusting. You have a 14 yr old son full of hormones all over the place. He was being wound up and said shut up - big deal! Please don't compare his behaviour to your fully grown DH. As he navigates his teenage years there will no doubt be more challenging behaviour from your son no matter how good a kid he is because that's part of growing up and pushing away from parents to find independence. If your DH cannot react calmly with being told to shut up by a teenager when he probably deserved it, goodness know how he'll react when something really challenging comes along.
This may not have to be the end of your marriage but it should definitely be a wake up call to address your Dh's behaviour and let him know its totally unacceptable.

I’d usually be all for ducks in a row op especially that he called a teen a c, but I think you’re jumping the gun here. You can protect your son without leaving straight away. You and your dh need to talk and then yes you need to get a job and have things in a better state so you always have options

This is spot on 💯

I see it as incredibly rude and disrespectful for a 14 year old to tell an adult / parent to shut up. This wouldn’t be acceptable in our house ( 14 yr old son) and there would be major consequences.
It sounds like you could be firmer on discipline so that it doesn’t annoy DH so much.
DH on the other hand needs to control his temper too.
Both in the wrong . This is very common with fathers and teenagers sons - it’s biology..DH is the adult though and should be more in control of his temper

He didn't just randomly tell him to shut up he was being wound up constantly. It sounds like your H is bullying him. He's a teen if you know goading him is going to annoy him or anyone for that matter why would you do it? You need to show your 14 year old son ( a child) that he's your priority here

Your DH should not have called DS a cunt. OTOH, you say that him telling DH to shut up is a long-standing problem and that he has been asked many times not to say that. Maybe it's a good thing that he's experienced the consequence of pushing someone to their limit. It sounds as if your DH has put up with being told to shut up by DS a lot, per your info. However, I wasn't there, and maybe your DH's reaction was not excusable despite the apparently-consistent rudeness. To get some perspective, maybe imagine having a teen stepchild who had no qualms telling you to shut up and carried on despite being asked to stop? I'm not defending DH, but I am saying that teenagers can push you to your absolute limits.

Teenagers are hard work and parenting them is hard, frustrating and often thankless. But it’s a normal stage of their development and if your DH can’t recognise that and find better ways to deal with it, then you have decisions to make. It’s unlikely to to be any different when his younger child is that age.

You need to sit down with him and explain how far this has pushed you and that you are seriously considering separation if this doesn’t improve. He is the adult and he needs to do better at managing his own behaviour and emotions and you need to discuss how you both want to manage your son’s behaviour, as a team. If he can’t do that, there’s no way forward that won’t ultimately damage your own relationship with your son.

Maybe this is the wake-up call you call need. Perhaps think about the communication approach and style that has evolved in the family and why. Telling someone to shut up to their face, rarely ends well, if both parties have a tendency towards 'standing their ground'.

By all means leave if you think this man has crossed a line, but by your own admission he has done a lot for this step son and your relationship is usually in a good place.

You have a lot to think about, take the time to think it through.

ETA: If someone is winding you up to the point that you might explode, it's usually a good idea to leave the room. Or the house. I appreciate that DS probably said shut up to DH once too often, but at that point he should have gone out for a while or something. I've used this ploy before, and it's really stopped me from saying things I shouldn't.

Teenagers and fathers, step or birth, fall out at times. Teenagers can be awful.

But I would find it very hard to get past any family member calling another family member a “cunt”.

Vile word. 🤷‍♀️

Also OP, you say you're sick of dealing with it....maybe step back for a day and let them sort out their own relationship. See how that goes for a day. Maybe you and your younger DC go out for lunch and leave them to talk it out.

You’ve described your own son as rude ,insolent with shitty behaviour
at 14 he will know exactly what he’s doing and deliberately telling DH to shut up to press his buttons and you will jump in and defend him
Leaving your DH isn’t really the solution it will only be a matter of time before your on the receiving end and if this behaviour if your in your own
he’s pushing boundaries
you and Dh need to be in the same page

I would do two things today:

Firstly, I'd sit them both down, together, and go nuclear. Not in a shouting and screaming way, but in a very clear, fear-of-god way that they stop this behaviour right now. No asking, no pleading - you tell them both it stops immediately.

Then later you have a separate, similarly frank discussion with your H only about your relationship and how you move forward. That is a conversation for you both alone. Plus, as others have pointed out, he is the adult and so he should bear slightly more responsibility here.

If you're aware your DH is winding your DS up, do you ever step in and say "that's enough now, please stop"?

Does your DS ever face consequences for being rude, not just being 'pulled up'?

I do think you should try some family mediation before splitting the family up. Your DH needs help with his behaviours and temper, and your DS needs to learn other techniques if he can't be polite, such as leaving the room if your DH is winding him up. They don't listen to you so perhaps someone neutral to preside over things. Be straight with your DH that if he refuses to cooperate then you will consider separating.

OP acknowledges her DH continuously winds him up though and it sounds like DS eventually snaps and tells him to shut up. To be honest, at 14 this is much more mild mannered than many who would tell him to fuck off. Why does he get kicks out of goading him exactly? That’s what you need to be asking yourself.

Doesn’t sound like a pleasant situation. If your DS literally just snapped shut up and this caused your DH to erupt into rage like that, he needs to get help with his anger issues. He also shouldn’t be calling your DS a cunt obviously, huge overreaction.

Your thinking is disordered. You have given only two extremes - put up or leave.

Why not speak to your husband and say 'this is serious enough for me to be starting to think about separation' and ask him to work TOGETHER to improve things?

I don't think it is fair really to be angry at your teenager for normal teenage behaviour. Your DH has more responsibility for the tone in the household.

What nature does the winding up take?

I agree with a PP, a calm chat is needed today where you tell them both you can’t stand this pattern anymore. Winding up is awful, telling someone to shut up is disrespectful. They’re both acting like children to be honest and it needs to stop.

Teenagers can be absolute arses at times. I have felt like calling my eldest a cunt at times but haven’t, so I get the frustration. They both need to do better for you, who shouldn’t be dealing with this nonsense.

I think this can happen with fathers and sons sometimes anyway even if they aren't step relations. Its a tricky time as the son is pushing boundaries against the male head of the house. I did hear recently that a mother will instinctively always protect her son even against the father, and want to nurture him and look after him and make sure nothing horrible ever happens. And I know that feeling. But a dad or male figure is also really important as their job is to make life so that a boy is ready to be independent. And that means being tough on them if needed. So if your DS is being cheeky and telling your DH to shut up that's not great behaviour by your DS, as he needs to learn in life that he should at least give respect to the person that feeds and houses him. But he will want to push boundaries and that's normal.

Im not saying this to excuse the shouting and its horrible for a mother when that happens as you are in the middle pacifying both sides. And your instinct is to protect your child. But teenagers can be so annoying that a normal reasonable person can blow their top. And your DS needs to learn as does your DH.. it will he the first time both of them have been navigating this age in their relationship. And 14 is just the start. It will get worse and then will get much better with any luck as they hit 18. So a big row is normal, probably wont be the last and only you can judge if you felt threatened enough to leave.

I see no good in splitting up with your DH over this; frankly if your marriage is usually good and your son is usually good - but can goad DH and DH can snap - they need to sort their shit out between them.

Leaving with your kids will fuck up your younger DC world and even your older childs world too. You're being quite dramatic here and thats also not ok. Although youre perfectly entitled to think dramatically - don't just start packing up and moving to a hotel. Thats absurd and will be incredibly unsettling for your kids. I dont think that's the actions of a reasonable woman or caring mother - (which I am sure you are 🧡)

DH needs to know how upset you are - but sometimes awful things happen or are said in a marriage and you have to work through them. Nothing but words have been exchanged here.

Does the teenager see his own dad?

Yes it sounds like your husband crossed a line, but would you feel the same if it was his own biological child? I don't have teenagers yet but from a lot of friends they do sound hard work and that their parents often clash over the best way of managing behaviour.
If the relationship is usually good then can this not be resolved by discussing the sons rudeness and the husbands goading and use of language.

I’m trying to understand how it blew up into this.

So DH was talking. DS told him to shut up and in response to that DH called DS a cunt?

Is that all or is there more in the middle?