Urgent advice needed. Probably going to have to leave.

[lifegonewrong2]

Nc for this. Need some advice. Had a horrible incident tonight where my dh was awful to my son (his stepson, been in his life since ds was a toddler - mostly relationship is good but Dh can’t cope with teenage strops and attitude). Tonight ds was rude and Dh just totally blew up, was intimidating towards him and when I intervened he was awful to me too. Ds went to bed in tears. Dh and I had a horrible row. dh called my son a cunt. I can’t get past it. I know my son isn’t perfect but to hear a grown man speak about him like that is vile.

We have a younger dc together. Dh is the primary earner, I work part time but Dh covers all household costs. We will all wake up here tomorrow and I am thinking I should pack some things and just take the kids to a hotel or something. I don’t know what to do.

My relationship with Dh isn’t perfect but we are mostly ok but I can’t cope with him speaking or treating my son like that. I have no idea what to do next but I can’t be around him or have ds around him.

I wouldn’t say the dynamic between them is that of a parent and child. From the beginning Dh kept a respectable distance as ds dad is still very much involved and he didn’t want to overstep. So they are more like mates, but obviously Dh does a lot of the parenting stuff (lifts, meals, holidays etc). They have always had silly jokes and banter as part of their dynamic and I think this is where the sense of goading comes from. Dh still tries to joke with ds as if he’s a little boy, not realising they ds can now have moments of moodiness and self consciousness and the banter doesn’t land as well.

I think this is kind of where it started last night. I actually couldn’t tell you what the row was about, something trivial that just became shut up/don’t tell me to shut up/shut up then ridiculousness.

I think this is hard for your DH. He hasn't been facilitated to be able to take on a role of disciplining your son, but he's in the same house as him, and is funding his life. He's also not the one who has changed the dynamic - DS has now started to be rude and unpleasant to a man who sounds like he's treated him with kindness, and honestly I think you, as his parent, need to make clear to him that this isn't on, full stop, and that he will not be speaking to your husband in that way again.

I think that shows a lot of insight OP. It sounds as if they’ve had a great relationship as best mates but time has changed that relationship because your son has got older they are both struggling to rearrange the dynamic.

I bet, due to them being blokes, they’d be against speaking to a family relationship professional but it might help them understand how to progress as your son ages. Including how everyone deals with the newest member of the family and how your son feels about being your ‘protector’ as he’s nearly grown up. Neither of them has to be top dog !

Rows usually start with what is afterwards regarded as a trivial issue but are usually from something which has been bubbling along underneath for a while.

Sounds very much like good cop bad cop You undermine each other and DS plays right into it

I meant that the DH should have left the room/house.

So this is what OP tells us. DP winding up DS by going on about things. That means talking too much. How talking warrants to tell an adult to shut up? If he can not stand his stepfathers talking he should walk away, if I said shut up to my dad he would have slapped me into oblivion, I can't even immagine saying that to my dad. I am not saying that DP is right, I am saying kid is kid and should have respect for the adults in the house that feed him and look after him. This gentle parenting thing grows entitled generations that think they can get away with anything. They are absolutely both wrong, especially the adult as he knows better but the 14 years old should know consequences to his disrespectful behaviour as well.

No, is the mum's time to intervene and discipline the son. Brain not fully developed that's why an adult needs to teach them actions and consequences. If you would not say shut up to a teacher you should not say shut up to a parent. I think the OP does not want to be seen as the bad guy so she only tries to mediate without actually adressing the issue. The kid is 14, the family are supported by his step father, he has to have respect and boundaries. If no one tells him stop he will push and push.

@lifegonewrong2 Sorry when you said DH was going on talking , I took it to mean he was being boring and monopolising the conversation.
Glad things are better today 💐

Did you miss the part where I said I intervene and tell him to stop? Anyway things are ok again now. Not a pleasant weekend but I definitely was in a stress panic last night and im glad we’ve been able to sort it calmly today. It’s definitely a very difficult dynamic and I will really try to instil some more respect in ds.

But you didn't, because you allowed to go on, as you said 'to and fro" and it does not to seem to be the first tine either from what you describe. Please don't get me wrong, I am not judging you, is easy to say from behind a screen hard to do when you are in the situation I am aware so I don't stand hwre pretwndjng I would do better. I'm just replying to posters who put all blame on DP. But I do think you have to stop being a mediator and be more active both with your partner and your son. Anyway, best of luck don't make rash descisions before you explore oportunities and counselling if needed, if your partner does not make a habbit from calling your child c word I auppose he snapped. I am happy to hear things are better.

It’s really hard. I don’t sit back and let it happen, I try to diffuse and intervene and afterwards I do talk to them both about it. But in the moment there’s really not a lot I can do to stop them. It’s like trying to break up a verbal fight between two men. This is what I was getting at when I said nobody listens to me. It’s infuriating tbh.

This thread has definitely helped me to see there is fault on both sides and while my natural instinct is to protect my ds I do have to try and see it from dh point of view too.

I get what you say, I really do. Don't worry he won't be 14 forever, things will get better. One thing I sugest is to get your husband to take interest into something your son likes. Camping, fishing, photography, boxing, racing, hiking, drones, scuba siving, even get him to a shooting range (is very safe but gives your son the feeling that he is grown up) whatever your son might like. Then to spend some time with him to strengthen their connection, man to man. A weekend fishing or whatever they would both enjoy. Kids love when adults take interest in their hobbies. Get some rest now, you must be exhausted after sleepless night. Have a lovely evening.

As soon as a 14yr old tells an adult to shut up... he gets sent out of the room. There's no time for to and fro. It immediately diffuses the scenario... he let's his frustrations out elsewhere and you get to have a conversation with DH that "goading" your son isn't acceptable and that he needs to apologise and learn to stop.

You see it happening... they both just see their own perspective so you need to step in. In a few months it'll be a different ballgame because DS will have grown out of thos stage and your DH will have learnt to stop the antagonising behaviour.

Please prioritise your child OP. He will always remember that you sided with the perpetrator otherwise. What will his dad think/say/do when he hears? Because I wouldn’t let my children live with an abuser.

Cut the crap and take your drama somewhere else, the child is not being abused.

Emotional abuse is abuse. Being goaded, wound up and sworn at is abuse.

The child is quite clearly being emotionally abused. Which planet do you live on?

Earth, what about you?

All families have rows. Sometimes angry and unpleasant ones. Are we calling it abuse now? I am not impressed with how any of us behaved but my son is not being abused.

Goaded? What does that mean? Sworn at? This is not great but it happened once I didn't read it as a habbit. And you never swore at anybody ever? Really? Wound up? By going on and on about sonething? It was an argument some tempers frying from both sides. Both guilty, the adult more as he should know better but from what I see the man is supporting the family doing lunch for kid takes him to school looks after him. Where is the abuse?

They talk like they are Marry Poppins and everyone sits there behaving like angels and reading their bible in their houses. Bloddy hell!

@Xkk goad = provoke or annoy (someone) so as to stimulate an action or reaction.

OP said this “Dh is often reminded not to goad him.” that these episodes happen often. She said he went to bed in tears. The impact on the child tells you what you need to know.

She also said that her son is disrespectful to her DH. They are both as bad as eachother. Annoying someone... isn't abuse. Yiu are reaching. It was a family argument.

Thank you. It is not abuse. Is not ideal but is not abuse. They both provoke eachother they need to communicate better. What might be considered goading for you might be normal talk for me.

I haven't read this all, apologies......

I exploded and called my teenage son a cunt not that long ago. So, I apologised, explained that it was not ok no matter the reason for me to call him or shout that directly to anyone I care about.

I'm the adult - as is your husband. He really should own that outburst and take accountability for that.

However, I'm now clearly seeing that my teenager, although with additional needs being Autistic, has consistently and worseningly behaved in a way with me and towards me with increasing severity that's tantamount to abusive. And I have soul searched endlessly over this. My outburst was inevitable, that's not an excuse , but many would have lost it years before I did.

The resolution - well teenage son can't see any issues with behaviour towards me and I believe this will develop and worsen into adulthood. Contact is therefore restricted; chosen by me. There is no other answer than this based on my personal situation.

Because your partner is a man, it tends to be a different dynamic. Maybe he has been acting like an absolute cunt and you can't see it with your rose tinted mum spectacules ( something I still struggle with). Maybe you'll never over come biology. He's not his biological child and does that play a part, maybe.

I would speak to a counsellor in your shoes. I would want to see your husband acknowledge that it's not ideal for him to be saying cunt to your son and take some steps to try prevent that again.

Knowing I'm a loving and giving person who is not an abusive arsehole, but usually on the receiving end - and I shouted 'you horrible cunt' myself - well that makes me much more open to not automatically condemning your husband for that one act alone tbh.