Urgent advice needed. Probably going to have to leave.

[lifegonewrong2]

Nc for this. Need some advice. Had a horrible incident tonight where my dh was awful to my son (his stepson, been in his life since ds was a toddler - mostly relationship is good but Dh can’t cope with teenage strops and attitude). Tonight ds was rude and Dh just totally blew up, was intimidating towards him and when I intervened he was awful to me too. Ds went to bed in tears. Dh and I had a horrible row. dh called my son a cunt. I can’t get past it. I know my son isn’t perfect but to hear a grown man speak about him like that is vile.

We have a younger dc together. Dh is the primary earner, I work part time but Dh covers all household costs. We will all wake up here tomorrow and I am thinking I should pack some things and just take the kids to a hotel or something. I don’t know what to do.

My relationship with Dh isn’t perfect but we are mostly ok but I can’t cope with him speaking or treating my son like that. I have no idea what to do next but I can’t be around him or have ds around him.

I imagine the reason the OP is jumping to leaving is because her DH is not open to talking constructively about it. If he were the type of man who could do this they probably wouldn’t have this problem. All the grumbling about the DS character (lazy etc) suggests that he no longer sees him as a child but more as a potential equal and therefore someone you can call a cunt. It doesn’t sound like he likes him either.

OP I agree that ideally you should have family therapy but obviously that depends on your DH being willing. I would also prioritise getting work so that it is possible for you to leave.

I’d say you need a family mediator - therapy basically. That would be my condition if not breaking the marriage up.

I do think it's also okay to have behavioural expectations though. The DH is an adult but all humans have a breaking point, and he's being massively disrespected in the home he pays for.

Yes teens can be difficult but it's the job as parents to discipline poor behaviour, that's how they learn.

Maybe ask your DH to consider how he would feel if a future partner of yours spoke to your joint children in that way. Would he say that if they were that rude to an adult they'd deserve it? It might make him reflect a bit more on why he's reacting so badly although I suspect too that you are playing down your son's obnoxious behaviour and your DH is fed up with you (from his pov) indulging him.

Ok, so none of you are in danger, it would be good to let the dust settle. You can’t make sensible decisions when you’re in a heightened state of fight-or-flight.

@lifegonewrong2 you said that “as usual, no-one listened to me” [trying to mediate]. So it sounds as if your menfolk treat you as less important than them anyway. I think family counselling would be a worthwhile first step and sometimes schools can signpost relevant services or help with this.

From what you say, I don’t think it needs to be irreparable. You can love your son and see that he’s not helping the situation at home. You can love your husband and see that he’s being both needled and needler. But if they both ignore you that’s not ok either! Both of them should step up and be better versions of themselves and learn new ways of behaving. I would contact your son’s tutor or head of year as a first step, and see what can be done.

The boy is 14. Yes a child and of course the adult should be in control but you would have hoped by now he would have learned some self control and manners. In my experience having two DSs they want to be treated as adults so they need to behave in a respectful way.

I think 'massively disrespected' is a bit hyperbolic.

The stepfather is causing the discord, which is very unhelpful.

One answer is for the mother to tell the stepfather to shut up earlier in the conversation, so the child doesn't have to.

This. OP son was pulled up on his behaviour. The choice of words wasnt great, but I suspect DH is exasperated and feeling like the only one doing the actual parenting. This on top of paying for everything. OPs problem of being caught in the middle is because she isn’t prepared to set boundaries and enforce them with her son.

My husband and cousin were both involved in punch ups with their Biodads around that age and all four are polite and mild mannered and have great relationships now. It was the younger ones who started them but I think it's the testosterone so I think clashes between sons and dads can be normal . Note I wasn't there and told these stories later.
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This only works with good role models, which this 14yo doesn't have.

You can't ask a child to behave with more maturity than his stepfather.

Hypocrisy never works.

It sounds like the teen is getting irritated by the stepfather/DH talking at length - the stepfather is causing the discord by existing, basically. Which is a bit much in the home the DH pays for.

If I was being spoken to like that by a teen stepchild, and my husband defended them, and I was the only paying all the bills, I would end the relationship and leave.

The mother uses the word 'goad' to describe what the stepfather does.

That is not just existing or talking.

This. It might be worth pointing out the obvious to both of them - DS has never been a 14 yo before and as pp said DH has never been a father to a 14 yo before. Talk to DH about what to expect from a teenager in particular that it will be very different to the last few years. If you prepare yourself mentally for the arseholery, laziness and pushback ahead of time, it can help you maintain calm in the moment.

I think you tell your husband that the way he behaved is unacceptable, you know that parenting a teen is hard, but he needs to do better. There are good books like this one Get Out of My Life: But First Take Me and Alex Into Town and that you expect him to read, learn and put things into practice. It is not fair on you to have to be stuck in the middle, especially when you have younger children to cope with.

I think you should also talk to him about you being able to work more hours and him taking on more practical work with your joint kids.

Let him know the impact this is all having on you and that if things go on like this, then your marriage is in jeopardy.

She said sometimes - and that's not great, I agree, he shoulnd' be doing that.

No, but the OP also thinks the 14yr is an angel child. And didn't bother stopping the so called goading before it got too far.

I think you need to have a good talk about what happened and how to move forward as a family. Of course no parent should ever swear at their child, but then no child should ever wind up their parents beyond their limits - they do. Your son's 14, not 4, he's got as much reason to know better as his dad has.

Of course you can. As his mother the OP should be teaching her child how to navigate the world. not making excuses for him or blaming other people for his own behaviour. And if the DH is such a bad person are you saying that you cant ask the 14 year old to behave because the DH can't?

@Sartre If my 14 year ever said Fuck Off to me or his stepdad/ dad there would be serious consequences. Since when is it acceptable to react like that when he is " winding him up " . This is why such problems in schools .

Anyway according to OP the Dad was just being boring . Sorry but I still think the OP is blind to her DS manners and unfortunately the stepfather lost control . Everyone behaved terribly.

There are plenty of threads about people finding step children more difficult to deal with. The dynamics of the relationship are very different.

I agree that everyone has behaved badly and I think you and your husband need to try to find some common ground. A 14+ year old boy probably can’t see that, so it’s up to the adults.

You say you love your husband, you can’t afford to leave, you can’t afford to be on your own and your son’s activities would be stopped. That won’t make him look more favourably on the situation. You may need outside help to reset and get the relationship between you all, get back on a more even keel.

At what point have I used the word boring? You are putting words in my mouth. I’ve also admitted ds was rude and wrong, I am not blind and do not think he is an angel child. I think they both behaved badly but I have more of an issue with dh as he’s the adult and meant to know better.

I appreciate the helpful advice, I can see the trolls are slowly infiltrating now and wanting to paint me as a shit mum. Dh did speak to ds and they’ve had a man hug and hopefully made up but I will be speaking with both at length about this. We can’t have it again.

Nobody said you were a shit mum... but your reaction was equally as volatile as the DH and DS.

DH shouldn't have wound up DS, DS shouldn't be so disrespectful, DH shouldn't have used the term he did, yih shouldn't have jumped straight to "I must divorce".

The whole lot sounds chaotic... even though fanily disagreements (particularly when kids get to teen age) are very common

It was chaotic last night. I was really, really upset. Not just because of what happened between them but what followed with me and dh rowing. I’ve tried really hard to make half term nice and it was just a shit way to end it. In the cold light of day, even after hardly any sleep I can see it objectively and I’m glad I managed to speak to Dh first thing and that he also spoke to ds.

This sort of thing has happened before but not to this extreme so I think I I just went into panic mode and thought right that’s it we can’t carry on like this. It upset me that my son was upset too.

People are insinuating that I allow Dh to pick on my son and that I allow my ds to be rude. This isn’t the case. I try to intervene and to speak afterwards and put in consequences. It still happens because they are both two ego driven males vying for top dog status probably.

OP, forgive me if I’m way off the mark but is there a dynamic between your son and your husband where your son feels your husband is ‘parenting’ him but, because he’s not his biological father, he isn’t also doing the loving bit ? Does he see your husband giving love to his younger half-sibling and feels a it left out ?

As I said, I may be way off the mark but even full siblings get resentful and he’s at the testing the boundaries and answering back stage. Nobody’s fault and your men may not even realise how to handle the dynamic between them.

It's OK for your son to be upset. But equally it wasn't all on your DH. Everyone can be upset at the situation. But tbh it is partially normal at this stage of your sons life (whether bio or step parent) and all 3 of you need to learn some boundaries.