Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

If you’ve got a lock on the bathroom door, I assume Bob would use it?

This sounds very infrequent, it’s your DH’s home as well, and I think you just need to know in advance if he’ll be staying so you can move your clothes the night before.

YABU. You know Bob comes to stay after these nights out, so it’s not unexpected or random. Put your things in your room that night and tell your DCs their dad’s pal will be staying over.

Id be very cross if a husband tried to tell me I couldn’t let a friend stay over

You might not like it, but surely your husband is allowed friends to stay over one or twice a year?

If you know its going to happen out your stuff in your room??

YABU for the following reasons…

Doesn’t actually sound like it’s unexpected if it happens every time. In which case you could be prepared if you wanted to be

It’s your husband’s house as well as yours. So he has a say in this

He’s 50 not a mormon, having people stay over after a drink is ok

If getting to know him was important to you, you’d have at least made an effort.

From your post it’s clear that your priority is to be right.

You don’t like this man and have no intention of learning to like him or flexing to a situation which mildly inconveniences you but is important to your husband once or twice a year.

You asked AIBU - you have no interest in whether you are BU and just want to complain.

Here's a radical idea. Put some hooks on the inside of your bedroom door, and then you can have your dressing gown hanging there all the time. I'm sure you'll find it more convenient on a daily basis, let alone when you have unexpected guests.

Not unreasonable at all. My DH used to bring random mates back after being out when we were in our 20's and I wasn't comfortable as I didn't know them well and there were young kids in the house. I always asked him to tell them to leave and if he didn't because he was embarrassed I did (usually very pointedly by that point. Made it even more embarrassing for him). He now knows to ask and I usually say no. I don't feel bad at all. If it was arranged in advance, and the guy is coming for the night, meets the kids and me before they go out etc, totally different. Getting pissed and 'all back to mine' is teenage behaviour.

But DH's friend is staying so her reaction isn't actually preventing her DH getting his own way, is it? There's no compromise happening here - her feelings are being ignored.

Let's get rid of all the waffle and summarise. Your husband invites one of his mates to stay at your house once or twice a year.

What is the problem? Do you never invite your friends to stay? Have you never been to stay at one of your friend's? This is such a non-problem.

Perhaps you could reframe it in your own control by assuming Bob will come home to yours with your husband when they go out together. So then you are not surprised by it in the morning. You would have taken clothes into your own room ready for it the night before.

You should patent this idea!

😂😂

He's not random. Her husband has known him for 40 years and she's met him herself several times. Yes, that makes a difference. If you trust your partner enough to marry and have kids with him, you should trust that he chooses decent friends as well.

Because they are mates who have carried on chatting and your dh obviously wants to maintain the friendship.
You know he's going out with his school friends so the chances are he'll bring Bob back. Just shift your clothes for one night and stock up on coffee & toast.

It's your dh's home too. And he's only a stranger because you don't interact. Why not try to get to know him since he is clearly your dh's friend?

No, that doesn't work. He's bordering on a a random as far as the OP's concerned. And anyway rapes are committed by someone the victim knows.

You also seem to be suggesting that Bob can't be a wrong'un because he has a friend with a wife and kids?

It's your husband's home too. Why not anticipate his actions before he goes out with this crowd, and be prepared? Keep your dressing gown in your room that night.

And your DH to make breakfast for him, change the sheets and generally clear up after his guest.

So, now on MN, men can’t have friends to stay as they will likely rape the women and children in the house?

madness

You have young daughters in the house and you do not know this man. That’s a firm no from me!

Her husband's known him for decades! 😂

he just needs to tell you the day before so you can get what you need from the room

presumably, you know he’s going out with Bob so
can anticipate his arrival

Not ok! You have young children in a house with a drunk stranger you didn’t know was coming! I’d be furious too.

Your husband brings a friend home once or twice a year?

What is wrong with that?

If bob lives the same distance from the city, why does he come to yours? What happens in the morning?

Her dressing gown is in the spare room!

Oh the humanity.

Wow. Is that how you live? You assume every man is a rapist? That's actually quite sad and possibly needs counselling. I presume there's some kind of trauma that makes you think like this. I hope you are ok.

That ‘doesn’t work’ because Op has chosen for that not to work, and that’s her prerogative, but to make out that she’s a passive part in this is disingenuous.

You can’t choose to disengage from a situation and then claim frustration at being powerless about it. Well you can - because she is - but as an adult I don’t think that’s ok

But, but, random predator!!! 🙈