Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

You've met this man socially in addition to meeting him the times he stays overnight. Your husband knows him well. You really cannot claim that he is a stranger.

Aside from the mild inconvenience of ensuring you bring your clothes and a dressing gown into your bedroom when you know he is meeting your husband, how does his presence actually harm you?

You said you wouldn't mind about Bob staying if you knew about it in advance. Presumably if this was a real risk it would be just as likely to happen when you are forewarned as when you are not. Which rather suggests it isn't a risk in reality, probably because he closes the door when he uses the toilet.

The fact that it's his own home?

Are you always this dramatic? Fml

You are talking once or twice a year that he invites his friend to stay over - so 2 nights out of 365 nights. It really doesn't seem unreasonable.

Seriously? He's been in your house a few times, he's an old friend of your husband's, and you've met him socially, but you've never once made him a cup of tea or breakfast and had a social chat with him? That's weird in itself.

Wouldnt bother me at all..

You sound very uptight.
It's a couple of times a year.
I am sure everyone knows to lock the bathroom door/say a quick 'anybody in the loo?' Before entering etc.

He isnt a stranger to your husband
Do you not trust your husband?
Husband cooks breakfast would be a good solution to that problem although if it was me and this was usually one of my jobs I wouldn't make husband do it as I think that would appear very hostile if I was already making my own and the kids. Very unwelcoming to be cooking anyway but making them do their own to make a statement. You do sound very unfriendly.

This personally wouldn’t bother me at all tbh, on the basis that he is your DH’s friend from school.

My DH still has his friends from school. I haven’t spent that much time with them as they don’t live close, but they came to our wedding etc.

If DH went out with one of his friends from school and he ended up here, i’d be fine with it. I have young kids too, and just say ‘hey your uncle bob is here’.

If you don’t want to make breakfast then deffo tell your DH this for next time and refuse. It’s in my nature to be happy to offer breakfast though.

On the basis that he is your DH’s friend from school and clearly you’ve met him several times, i find your description of him as a ‘stranger’ to be an overreaction.

Him being a fifty yr old man, well, isn't your husband about the same?!

Don't you ever have friends visit who stay the night? Its sort of what a spare room is for op. Why aren't your clothes in your own room?

The first time this happened where you got zero warning, thats not on. But presumably the next time he went out with Bob you could have just said "is he stopping over again?"

The last couple of times hes stayed over haven't you chatted to him in the morning? He'll remain a "stranger" if you never make an effort to get to know him. It sounds like for some reason you've really taken against this particular chap.

You keep saying he's a stranger, but you've met him at least four times you say, and he's an old friend of your husband's. I find your reaction very strange. I often have friends to stay, so does my husband. You make it sound like he's a man your husband met in a bar and randomly brought home. I don't get all the angst.

Expect him to come over when your husband goes out with him. Take your things from the spare room in advance. Get up early with your girls and bang around a lot then go out before they get up. Do not return until you know he’s gone and your husband has had to make breakfast and deal with it.

Do this every single time, I am fairly sure it will stop.

I can’t get behind your POV… if he’s going outwith Bob, expect that they may come back? As long as Bob behaves in your house I’d let it go.
Chat over breakfast? Tell Bob to bring a load of bread next time?
put your dressing gown in your bedroom the night before if husband is going out with Bob?

If Bob's home is the same distance from the city centre as your home, is he actually travelling further away from his own house in order to sleep at your house? What reason does your DH give for his friend sleeping at your house every time they go out?

It does sound quite odd. If your DH lived alone and they wanted to carry on drinking at your house it would make sense but I don't understand why he would want to sleep in a house with small children and his friend's wife that he doesn't know at all.

Whether its 'normal' or not isn't even the problem for me because everyone has different ideas on this. I think the problem is you've said you don't like it and it makes you uncomfortable and you're repeatedly being dismissed as if your feelings don't matter!

I can't stand having guests in my house, I can't relax. Especially a guest I barely know. I'm with you on this one.

It's not as if he has nowhere to go, he has a home, if they're in town it's easy enough for him to go home as same distance just the opposite way. Your husband doesn't respect your feelings on this. Sorry OP. This would drive me mad my feelings not being taken into consideration in my own home.

Why is your husband going out a lot at night and having late ones when he has young kids? Does he spend time with you and the kids?

Homestly his behaviour is more like that of a student

They wait for him to stop peeing and the use the toilet? Just like if anyone else were using the toilet

It would annoy me that in my own home I couldn't have one of my oldest friends stay over a couple of times a year

If it is every time they go out together it is not unexpected. Just prepare for it before you go to bed and grab some clothes.

Such a bizarre ragebait thread. 😂

Total stranger in my house!!! = dh's friend of 40-odd years.

You make him sound like a stranger, but he’s an old friend of your husband’s! Don’t you ever have friends to stay?
Look, you obviously don’t like him for some reason so next time your DH is going out with him expect him to come back to yours and plan for it. Get some clothes out of the spare room in advance then in the morning get up as normal with your girls and take them out for a treat brunch, leave the men to it at home. Just let them get on with it, you don’t have to spend time with Bob if you don’t want to. But he’s not a stranger or a strange man in your home!

I’m was on the fence about this as my DH would never continue to do anything that I was so uncomfortable with. However, it’s couple of times a year, you say you the visits are ‘unannounced’ but realistically you know that your DH is out with Bob so it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Bob might be there in the morning. Why don’t you prepare for his visit and make sure you get some clothes out the spare room? If you have concerns that you don’t know anything about him why don’t you try to get to know him?

its odd that both you and your DH seem dead set on having this situation your way despite the others feelings. Don’t you discuss it with each other? Try and find a compromise?

Hard no from me. An enormous percentage of men are rapists, or potential rapists, or actual paedophiles.

Not to say 'Bob' is, of course. He may be sound as a pound. But he's still a random man in the house.

Odd thread.
if it is indeed real - OP assume you’ve spoken to your DH about this?
it wouldn’t bother me and I’d probably make an effort to be friendly and accommodating - be nice.
oh and move your clothes into your room on the night DH goes out with this particular friend.