Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

This is a guy that your DH has known forever. After all this time he's not a stranger and if he still is you need to change it. Doesn't your family have any kind of a relationship with this man beyond him and DH going out on the sauce?

It wouldn't hurt you and your children to wear a dressing gown or pjs for the occasional time it happens. If Bob and DH have been out til 3am it's not like he's up meeting you at the break fast table.

This isn't an American website but yes you are being the a hole.

YABU!
It happens every time he goes out with this particular guy so you you know it's going to happen so it's not the surprise you are claiming it is.

If I wanted to invite a friend to stay at my house I wouldn't expect my DH to be hostile about it and vice versa. It's both our home and within reason both should be able to welcome a friend into it.

I think if you DH discusses beforehand, makes up the bed (and washes sheets after) and you agree then all ok. I wouldn’t be happy with him just doing this randomly, it’s disrespectful. What happens in the morning when Bob gets up? How does he get back home?

I wouldn't be happy either.
I would not trust a man I don't know wiht my young daughters alone. What's your stop hom going into their room at night?

It's not unannounced, you know he's going to do it. The man is a good friend of your husband. It's a couple of times a year.

YABU

They're her husband's children too. And he does trust his friend if 40 years.

Presumably because there's no public transport late at night, in his direction.

This is such a weird objection. Presumably Bob has locked the door so your daughters would do the same as they'd do if anyone else was already in the loo - wait their turn. Unsure what your lurid description of the amount someone has to pee has to do with anything.

Also, given how often Bob has stayed over, has there actually been an issue of any sort? Has he behaved badly or inappropriately, or are you just what-iffing in the most lurid terms possible to get posters on side? I assume if he had behaved badly (beyond being hungover) you would've said, so I also assume that in the multiple times he's stayed over he hasn't actually caused a problem.

By far the weirdest aspect of this is that you've known Bob for over a decade, met him socially four times and had him staying in your house on multiple occasions, and you haven't bothered finding anything out about him? You haven't asked your husband his surname, for instance? You're insistent that your issue is that he's a stranger (even though your husband has known him for most of their lives) but you've had ample opportunity for over a decade to get to know him better.

She did know that he'd be coming. Because that's what happens every time the friends meet.

She's being disingenuous. And of course, knowing that this happens each time, there was nothing to stop her asking "will Bob be coming back with you?" but she didn't, because she wants to be the victim.

What is your husband’s reasoning for bringing him home? Why doesn’t he go to his own home? Why doesn’t your DH stay at Bob’s?

Tell him you don’t want Bob staying again and when he next makes plans to go out with Bob, remind him.

More generally, it would give me the ick to have a 50-something DH who was out a lot and coming in drunk with mates at 3am. Weird behaviour for someone of that age. Is there more than alcohol involved?

What exactly is Bob doing that should make him so unwelcome?

He's not done anything other than sleep in the spare room and mildly inconvenience OP.

This

DH also inclined to unexpected generous hospitality like this…. exactly the same scenario because although DH knows them well, they are either from school days or met via his business but I don’t know them well, if at all. I dealt with this by now owning expensive range of flattering robes (only worn on these mornings) and the kitchen is now much bigger and well prepared for such events. DH super grateful and will do the school run, I just make extra coffee and when school run in progress I sit down to meet a new person I wasn’t expecting to meet. Obvs I am SAHM, a choice because DH wouldn’t cope well with wife at work and it means events like this much easier to cope with. I don’t think it would work well for me if I was trying to follow my own morning routine because I was at work.

My dad knew his close friend too for decades....did not stop this friend to come into my bed one morning when those grown up men decided it's ok to pass out in our living and dining room after celebrating a birthday.... I was absolutely embarrassed going to the bathroom in my underwear and t-shirt in the morning not knowing they were there....one of them saw me and thought it was fun to follow me and come into my bed....but sure it's ok because he is a long term friend and just had a bit to much to drink, and because it was my father's home too ....they stayed because their wives would have been furious if they're were coming home so drunk....so it's ok to make others feel uncomfortable in their own home and risk the safety of their children....
Why does this man have to sleep in someone else's house when his home is the same distance? Sure if he is 50 he can afford a taxi or Uber?

I'm sorry this happened to you.

But there's no evidence this friend of OP's dh is behaving like that at all.

Get. A. Grip.

This.

It's not unexpected as it happens every time DH meets him.

He's not a stranger - he's someone your DH knows that you don't seem to have made an effort to find out more about.

However if there's something about Bob or his behaviour in particular which is setting your mistrust senses tingling, then instincts should not be ignored.

Also your post mentions your husband goes out a lot as if that's on your mind - is the Bob situation part of a broader resentment about your DH behaviour?

Long term friend always stays when they go out, a few times a year…… a non issue!

How have you only ‘met’ this man 4 times in your life, yet your husband brings him home to your house once or twice a year?! Do you not speak to him in the mornings?!

I would make an effort to get to know a friend of my husband-you might like him. Ask him a few questions over breakfast, then you’ll know more about him.

There was no evidence in my case either...

But it happened and I think if a woman - OP - is voicing her uncomfort in a situation like hers we should not dismiss it and make her feel like she is the problem.... she feels uncomfortable...her own husband is not taking her serious and people here giving her a hard time too ...

She has the right to feel and voice she is uncomfortable, no matter how well known or unknown this man is to her....and a decent husband would look for a solution to ensure his families comfort...and I totally understand OP saying there is no reason for a grown up man to come to a family home drunk in the middle of the night when he could just go to his own home....

Yes well maybe this is also part of the issue. I have raised this as well with husband apparently I am boring and there’s nothing wrong with it.

Bob didn’t come back in the end last night. Maybe he pulled.

interesting how defensive a lot of comments are in support of the 50 year old drunk man unnecessarily staying in a house where he barely knows 75 per cent of the female occupants but apparently I’m the problem here… cool guys. Female solidarity. lol.

Instead of attacking the people who said you're being unreasonable, you could try to understand their viewpoint. And maybe take on board some of the comments

Female solidarity? You're expecting people to be on your side just because they are the same sex as you?

FGS are you not going to engage with the fact that this is, we assume, your husband’s house too? Which, again we assume, he pays for and maintains on some level? There is absolutely nothing wrong with him bringing a long- standing friend back for a couple of beers and to crash out overnight. Yes in an ideal world he’d give you some notice but unless he’s pissing on the floor and waking everyone up it’s not harming you, or your kids. So what exactly is the issue? Do you genuinely think Bob is a child molester? Have your children actually been terrified by the strange man? Or do you just begrudge your DH having friends and a night out?

For those who have the child molester fear, at what point do you let anyone stay in the house or go on holiday with family members? This is a friend of the kids’ dad for 40 years not a random bloke he met that night.

Op that makes no sense.

DH brings this man home once or twice a year.
Yet in the next breath you say you've only met him 4 times and he'll expect family breakfast.

Why aren't you getting to know this friend?

Why doesn't DH tell you he's likely to bring him home. I'm guessing trains run to your area later than his.
Get to know his friends?

Nothing to do with female solidarity in my view. If this was happening every weekend I could see your point - it's twice a year. The bigger issue is that your husband is being dismissive of how you feel.

He's also the issue for not telling you in advance that his friend is going to be staying. As for your comments about Bob peeing like a racehorse - when I go to the toilet I lock the door