Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

You say he does this once or twice a year yet you’ve only met him 4 times in 12 years ? If so that’s not unreasonable just ensure DH lets you know beforehand if he’s staying even a text before he comes in that way you can get your clothes out

Maybe the transport links aren't great, or aren't working when their night is over. Maybe they share a cab.
Maybe they like having breakfast together the next morning...

I'd be willing to bet that OP wouldn't be happy if her DH went home with Bob and stayed at his.

Mrs Bob probably thinks DH is a child molester too

I have to disagree. Dismissing OP is quite disrespectful of her spouse. Op doesn't want the guy spending the night. There's no logical reason for Bob to sleep over. The DH should respect it.

Yes, that’s awful too, the most dangerous time for a child is when a step-parent joins the household, but doesn’t mean OP should have to set aside her discomfort about this man.

Except that female friends are very very unlikely to sexually assault children, unlike male friends.

Anyone thinking protecting children from sexual assault is some kind of joke has issues and hopefully no children.

Only read the first 5 posts so far. This would be ok with me. If further down the thread it turns out the guys a sex offender or they are up all night taking coke I’d have an issue.

It's not a 'strange man'!
It's DH's school friend, they've known each other 40-odd years.

My original post is not ChatGPT.

I am well aware that the figures for the sexual abuse of girls are high. The 1 in 4 figure doesn't tell us anything much about the perpetrators, or in what percentage of cases parents are in the house when the abuse happens. In the case if the OP, if abuse is what she is worried about (which it doesn't seem it is as the subject was introduced by other posters), she needs to tell her DH and say she doesn't want the friend staying. As it is, I can understand that it's irritating having him stay, nothing more, but it seems to me the kind of irritant that you just accept in a marriage.

I understand. Rules are rules. You have to lay down the law.

I don't think it's a joke at all.

But I do think OP has been very dramatic about this.

Bob isn't a 'strange man', he's a very old friend of her DH.
She's been out with him socially 4 times.
If he's stayed over one or twice a year for 12 years, that's a further 12-24 occasions when she has spent time with him.
It's very odd that she doesn't know anything about him after all those opportunities to talk to him.

She knows there's a 50:50 chance he will stay after he's been out with DH, so she could take out anything needed from the spare room, and sleep with her kids if she's really worried for them.

It's once or twice a year...

You might have jumped the shark with peeing like a racehorse. Get a bathroom lock and calm the fuck down.

Not to mention, female friends would likely stay over for their safety.

Gosh I have an old school friend that I sometimes stayed over with, after nights out. At the time her kids were quite young. I'm not a big fan of her DH and no doubt he's not my biggest fan either. I wonder if he told her I must not stay over again.........

FWIW OP your DH has known this friend longer than he's known you. I think YABU telling him that he isn't welcome to invite a friend. Presumably you know when they are meeting so how hard is it for you to take the clothes you need from the spare room before you go to bed?

I think you're being a snowflake. It is also your husband's home, it's one night, it's a couple of times a year, you have now seen him a few times, it is not your husband's fault that you are uptight. Your husband has a healthy social life - Why not try it?

Man tells a woman what to do = red flags controlling
Woman tell a man what to do = there are statistics that say what I want them to say

Yet there is no double standard on here?

Your husband is an idiot bringing some guy you don't know home for a drunken sleepover when you have young minors in the home. That's unsafe and I'd tell both him and Bob this bullshit stops now. Unrelated adult men should not be sleeping over in your home.

Barring an emergency, DH wouldn't dream of foisting a surprise overnight guest on me. I'd be very displeased if he did, and I certainly wouldn't be providing breakfast. If he insists on inviting his friend without warning, let your husband take care of Bob, including washing the bedding the next day.

Practically speaking, if your husband doesn't respect you enough to stop inviting Bob to stay without warning, I'd start at least bringing some clothes into your own bedroom on nights you know he'll be meeting Bob.

Unfair?
He may have known these guys since he was at school with them but he sees them once or twice a year to go drinking wurh them. They are to all intents and purposes boozing buddies.
What ever they get up to when they are out drinking I doubt very much he knows very much about his friends attitude to children. After all he cant care very much anout his own if he is frequently out to the early hours boozing.

My ex used to do this even but his mate would kip on the sofa which I didn’t mind. Even before we had dc and we had a spare room he wouldn’t sleep upstairs. It helped that I got on with this mate of his. There was a few I wouldn’t have been so happy he brought back.

I think you sound rather possessive and precious and a bit silly. Let them make their own breakfast and just shut yourself away for an hour til he's gone. Maybe they feel safer going back together.

I could not sweat this. I would probably have a conversation with DH. Hey you out with Bob tonight, same procedure as usual? Then I would grab some clothes and get the spare room ready.

If he really annoys you, go out the next morning for a few hours.

It is as much your DHs house as yours (notwithstanding a massive drip feed).

If this was one of your friends in the same context it would absolutely fine and you’d think your partner was being unfriendly. Sorry but you are being a bit unreasonable here. He’s known the man by since he was at school and barely sees him. Personally I keep my dressing gown in my own room. Seems a bit of a faff having to go to a different room every time I need it.

of course she can have boundaries and tell her husband this!!!! What a ridiculous thing to say

You say Bob expects breakfast. That’s for your husband to deal with.