Husband brings man home to stay the night unannounced

[jimmychoose]

Am I the a hole here? Husband is 50. He goes out a lot, it’s always a late night. Maybe once or twice a year he goes out with this particular man and group of friends from his school days. I have met the man (let’s call him Bob) maybe 4 times in the 12 years we’ve been together. He’s a stranger to me. He lives about an hour in the other direction from us, but the city centre is equidistant from Bobs home and our home.

every time husband goes out with Bob he brings him home to stay the night (in spare room) unannounced, ie they come bowling in at 3am and he gets put in spare room which means when I wake up in the morning there is a strange man in my house, all my clothes/dressing gown and so on are in spare room so I will wake up in a vest and pants and not be able to walk around my house as there’s a man here, we have two young daughters as well, primary age. He will then expect breakfast with us and so on.

I absolutely can’t stand this, it feels like such an invasion of privacy, it makes me feel weird and uncomfortable on my own home, I’ve told my husband this every time as well as saying it again in advance of him meeting this man. They are grown men with their own homes to go to. We aren’t students all crashing on sofas after a late night. I would never, ever bring someone home with me unannounced. My husband says I am overreacting , unfriendly and it’s not normal to feel like this about this situation. Am I wrong

OP how deep is this rabbit hole? Is Bob using your DH as a cover? Tells his wife he is staying at his friend's house but if he pulls... Does not show DH is an upstanding guy. I fully support you OP.

This.

If its happened EVERY time, and you knew he was out with this guy again AND you left all your stuff in the spare room; youve written your own script.

Not saying its right; just saying you could have prevented the issue you're annoyed about.

Oh for gods sake - why does it have to be assumed that Bob has a wife and that someone is covering for him - he's not bringing women back to the OPs house - he's coming back with her husband.

Yes - because all men are child molesters aren't they - because they are men.

Honestly - this man has stayed with them before several times - did the OP state that he attempted to go into her daughter's rooms?

I don’t think you’re an ass hole. I have 2 daughters and would have similar reservations if a strange man was in my house overnight. And it’s not on that you’re not being able to feel comfortable in yoyr own home at breakfast time with some man there who may or may not be a predator.

Id like to understand the ‘cool women’ on here who seemingly would allow their partners to walk all over them in a similar situation

What a crazy rabbit hole.

The most logical explanation is the last train in Bob's direction is 9ish, last train in Ops direction is 11.30.
They are having a good night, Bob's I better go now, - och just stay and come back to mine.
Depending on what Bob has on thd next day yes or no!

How is he a stranger if hes been coming back to Ops place once or twice a year for years?

if you read OPa posts she says he is a stranger to her, hope that helps

Why is it assumed that the man might be a predator? Seriously - he's stayed there several times. The OP didn't suggest on any level that he's displayed any signs of predatory behaviour towards her or her daughter's.

There are people on the thread who have said - why can't he get an uber. There's no such thing in my town. It's also very hard to get taxis as well.

The issue is with the lack of communication on the husbands side - and the husband perceives that the wife is being unfriendly - maybe she is..

Why does everything need to be so black and white - and if you don't think the man is a potential predator - you fall into the "cool wife" bracket

Bloody hell

You children could be boys and the answers would still be the same.

How would your percentages work then?

It isn't the sex of your children that is the problem here...

He's not some random person her husband has picked off the street - hope that helps

He’s her husband’s friend! Not some random guy off the street.

You're being so unreasonable.

They've been together 12 years,

But he's stayed with time once or twice a year.
So say 8 times over 12 years.
But shes only met him 4?

It makes no sense and doesn't add up. I hope that helps

I don’t think the OP knows enough about him to say that he definitely isn’t does she?

Yes you’re right the husband is a massive arsehole

Female solidarity. lol.

I absolutely hate it when we're expected to cheer on behaviour that is unreasonable, simply because the person is female. It's absolutely ridiculous.

Being female doesn't make anyone perfect and rational by default. Nor does being male turns every man into an abuser.

I know several incredibly spiteful and unpleasant women, and plenty of decent, rational good men. Gender has little to do with whether someone is reasonable or not.

These are questions for the OP, I have no idea why they haven’t got to know each other. Maybe it’s because he always arrives in the dead of the night.

A 'stranger' who is one of her DH's oldest friends.
A 'stranger' that she's been out socially with 4 times.
A 'stranger' who has stayed over 12-24 times in 12 years (once or twice a year for 12 years). So that's 12-24 opportunities to get to know him over breakfast.

Don't know what your definition of a stranger is, but this isn't mine.

Hope that helps.

Your story doesn't make any sense. How can you know/have met Bob so little if he regularly - twice a year stays over at your house and has breakfast with you and your family? Also, if you know your husband is going to go out with this friend then how do you not know that Bob will be staying over? Wouldn't you just ask your husband in advance if you know they are going out together? Then you could make sure you have a dressing gown and your clothes in your room.

Your maths is better than mine! 😆 🤣

As I said earlier in the thread I have met him socially about 4 times over a period of 12 years in the context of being able to “get to know him” and be around him in a social setting. On those occasions the direct conversation between me and him if any would have been a matter of minutes. Being confronted first thing in the morning with someone I barely know, who is hungover and in last nights clothes is not what I consider socialising with someone or knowing them, husband has many friends and work colleagues some I know well some I’ve never met. Bob won’t know fuck all about me, I would be surprised if he knew the kids names, if that’s not a stranger in your worlds well… I mean I would be on better terms with the guy who works in our local newsagents tbh!

i didn’t say anywhere I was unfriendly or hostile, I said I was uncomfortable with having someone arrive at 3am drunk when I wasn’t prepared for or expecting company.

he’s not here to socialise with me by the way, he’s here for somewhere to crash when he’s steaming and too tight to pay for or arrange his own transport home or go home at a reasonable time. It’s something that works for him.

usually when friends come round it’s to spend some time with the hosts and enjoy quality time together. A man in last nights crumpled clothes hanging over a bacon roll waiting for a lift home from the husband? Real quality time.

🤣

I need to get on with my jobs for the day 😂

So do I had a late night last night x

😂😂😂

So he’s not a stranger. He’s a friend of your husband’s who you’ve met a few times.

I really don’t see what the big deal is tbh.