DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

I agree and I will never understand married couples with children who have this. To me you are a team surely?

Is that not mn law? Woman has secret bank account = yay girl! Man= evil abuser!! Divorce!

Why is it selfish to keep something for yourself when you're married?

I'm with you - if this was a woman posting about her DH getting pissed off because she'd had a windfall, everyone would be calling him a cocklodger.

Married couples don't have to share absolutely everything.

Mention to him that you won a million on the lottery. And have spent it all.

allegedly he spent it on a piss up and a curry

It’s a tricky one because I assume you don’t give him half the money to place the bets?

There have been multiple threads about OPs having a windfall and the general consensus tends to be that it’s your own money and shouldn’t be shared or even mentioned.

I couldn’t not see myself sharing it.
I’d want my partner and kids to enjoy it too.

Has this not been discussed before, considering he bets every single week?

Obviously he has now set a bar and it means that any windfalls you get, is your money for yourself.

Yes, I'm the same as you. I can't imagine keeping it all to myself! This is particularly bad, though.

How much is he spending on all these lads days and nights out and gambling?

I think I would be telling him that this would be a good opportunity to revisit how you split your finances and how best that would benefit the family unit. If you can’t afford a holiday and he is going out a lot and you are all getting takeaways every week then that doesn’t sound great. Work out the yearly cost for these luxuries and see if you they still sound like a good use of funds.

Wow. Sorry OP but that one would be a game changer for me. Not wanting to share it was bad enough, but hiding it and not telling you shows that he knows full well that he was wrong not to share it.

I'd have trouble letting go of that hurt, myself.

I’m sorry @Sarahji but I would be livid. I’m aware that might make me sound awful or dramatic but LIVID
WTF is he playing at? So his money is HIS money and sod you and the kids or a nice family break away in the school holidays he’d rather get drunk and spend money on himself. His priorities are abundantly clear!

Im sure you can find ways to justify it to yourself if you try really hard but honestly I think it sounds immensely depressing in a marriage (and I don’t say that lightly as mine is far from perfect) but my DH has inherited/being gifted/saved (I don’t work as care for a disabled child) close to 6 figures over the last few years and ever single penny of it I have full access to and a 50/50 vote in what it’s spent on.

Does he expect his children to contribute to his gambling habit in order to possibly benefit?

FFS

What an arsehole

I just saw bet wetting in your title 🙈 I should get to Specsavers!🤣

It's not the amount he won and didn't even get us a bar of chocolate at the time that would upset me. It's the fact that he won and didn't want to tell his close family, so that they could share the moment.

DH and I have had small wins at the races (about £10) and the lottery (£20): We were so happy for each other and celebrated the wins together. When our parents died the smallish amounts they left went to make our lives easier, i.e. central heating, insulation etc, so everyone in the home benefitted.

Money coming into/going out of the home when you are married is joint. No matter where it's from, same with debts.

Same here. I play the postcode lottery and have won £15 a few times (basically that month's payment back) which I've just kept. But I reckon any win over £100 would be put towards some kind of family treat. £800 would definitely be something nice for us all.

Not a good sign that he doesn't even think to share any of his good fortune.

I can put my hand on heart and say there's no way in a million years, my husband would have done this. My ex, absolutely, he wouldn't have thought twice about hiding a windfall. I think it's poor behaviour that your husband hasn't at least shared some of the money with his wife (and children). The fact he hid the win from you, because he didn't want to share the money, is poor behaviour. For me, it wouldn't be the money, it's the fact he deliberately didn't tell you he'd won it. He has a devious streak.

I find your husband greedy and mean spirited. That sort of thinking would make me lose respect for him.
I find people like him very unattractive. His reasoning is horrible too. He has children, has he offered to treat them?

There's some good points about him probably losing more than he has won over time, so surely it is part of his fun money.

You could argue that the OP has a savings account and puts her fun money into this each month. Should she then at the end of the year declare the interest she has earned and put it back into the family account rather than keep in her own savings?

Speaking from experience most men who bet regularly are selfish and bad news.

So he spent £600 on a piss up and a fancy curry (hard to believe) and has £200 left over for a family takeaway?

And his mate took the family on a half term holiday with the money from the win?

Absolutely selfish git. Luckily for their families some of his mates love them. Clearly he doesn't love his and who knows what else he has been hiding from you.

This is where I, as a boring old fart, don’t understand ‘his’ and ‘my’ and ‘family’ money in a marriage. It’s ‘ours’.

‘All my worldly goods’ and all that jazz. If people want to keep money separate this is the sort of grief they invite.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but it’s worked in this nearly 50 year marriage, ‘for richer, ‘for poorer’. Sometimes I earned more, sometimes he did, but money has always been joint.

Fascinating how different this thread is to those where a woman has a windfall…

That’s terrible behaviour from him. I 100% know if dh had won anything the first thing he would have done was tell me and then we would have talked about what to do with the money. But then all our money is joint regardless of who earns it or pays for things (which is him as he earns 10x that amount I do) and he gives me and the children everything he can.
I would be feeling very hurt if he did this

Pretty sure you to won’t get called all the names the OPs husband has been called for doing exactly that.

My issue isn’t if he would have shared it, it’s the fact that he hid it from you that’s what’s hurtful.