DH hid betting windfall

[Sarahji]

DH and some of his mates have a weekly betting group where they pick football teams and put them in one big bet where the potential returns are high. He has always said they never win and that the most they’ve ever got back was £120 each.

I have become close with one of his friends partners in the past year or so as our youngest is in the same school year. I saw her at soft play this afternoon, we were discussing our half term weeks and she said they’d gone away as a family. I said we looked and that the prices were really high so we couldn’t find a suitable deal.

She said they only managed it as they (the men) had the ‘win the other week’ and this covered it. I blurted out something which obviously showed I was surprised, as she immediately tried to move the subject on.

I spoke to DH when I got home who confirmed this win. He said he didn’t want to feel he had to spend it on ‘us’ so kept it to himself.

He knew how much the kids and I would have loved a few days away and could have easily put some towards it.

I’ve had the odd unexpected windfall during our relationship and some of it has always been used for his benefit too.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this?

Same. DH won £500 on the premium bonds recently, I didn't expect him to share it with me!

Just because you are married with kids, doesn't mean that you can't have nice things for yourself.

It’s the secrecy that I wouldn’t like.
And the selfishness.
And the meanness.

Yeah, I don’t like your DH much!

I can see it from both sides, it’s his money and it would be nice if he wanted to spend it on you but he doesn’t have to. Perhaps he felt he wanted to hide it because he thought you would expect him to fund something you wanted from it. Or maybe he is a mean tightarse who would rather have a PS5/piss up/lads’ trip more than spending time with his family, only you will know

Exactly what I was going to say.

Men don’t need a “running away fund”. If men want to leave a relationship, they can say “I’m leaving” and that will be that.

Even if the woman is abusive in any way, and of course some are, she isn’t able to overpower him and prevent him leaving. And rarely are men in situations where they don’t have quick access to money - society just isn’t set up to create that kind of situation.

I'd remind him of the times YOU have shared what you'd received as a windfall in the past.

And then tell him that in future, you will keep any money you come into for yourself. Since that is his idea of how marriage works.

Currently, what's yours is his and what's his is his.

To the Op -

it is very selfish of him, and very disappointing he doesn’t want to share the good fortune with his family.

A good parent’s first thought would be to give their children a nice treat.

DH had an unexpected win a few years ago (tax refund not gambling) and used it to buy a posh new TV for our main living room.

It wouldn't have entered his head to be deceitful.

My DH wouldn't either. Even if it was from personal spends. What kind of person hides a windfall so they don't have to spend some of it on their own kids? A spiteful twat

He's right though isn't he. If you don't want to share his losses then you shouldn't expect to share his wins.

You obviously would have told him how to spend it.

He sucks.

My dh made 7k profit on etherium and bit coin after covid.

We are using it to goaway at half term and go to eftling next month.

Its a nice little treat for everyone not his secret cash to spend on himself....

^ this really. His behaviour is so disappointing, to win a big lump of money and not think of your family at all, that is a shame and a selfish mindset.

what have you done?

What a horrible man. My husband sometimes gets a bonus from work and his first thought is always ‘I’ll treat the kids to something’ the fact his response was that he didn’t want to spend it on his kids says it all. Selfish prick. I would tell him either his attitude to his family needs to change or I’d leave him

Wow, how generous of him🤨

My husband likes a bet (so do I) so I'm split on this.
DH would definitely have told me he'd won that amount, but I wouldn't have expected him to share it. We might have had lunch out or something but it's his money, not mine.
I would be irked if he didn't tell me though.

It's one thing not sharing it, but very odd he didn't eeven mentione it.

But anyone can leave a relationship for any reason they want to.

And for various reasons, this can be expensive.

If I won the lottery, the first thing I would do is tell my husband.

And he’d say “wow, fantastic, what are you going to treat yourself with?”

To which I’d respond “Shall we do this/go to wherever”.

And we’d plan together…

They're still supposed to be a family

Where's the love, the kindness, the generosity?

No-one's saying he can't treat himself too

I do 3 numbers with the lotto. Sometimes I win a few hundred.

One month I won over 800 quid over a few draws.

When I won €150, I told him and I treated us to lunch.
Did I mention other wins?

NAAAHHHHH 🤣🤣🤣

So I’m on team, sometimes I’ll tell, sometimes I won’t 🙃

£7K is a bit different to £800 though. If it was a real windfall and you could do something nice with it, then it would be mean to keep it all for yourself. But if it's a few hundred, I don't see why everything has to go on the kids.

DH won on the lottery recently too. The grand total of £30. Obviously if he won the jackpot I would expect him to share!

Well I guess you know who he is now. What a shame you married a prick. All the stuff about he pays for the losses so should keep all the winnings is an argument but it is completely devoid of caring and generosity.

On the few occasions I have won anything on the lottery it is my joy and delight to share it with my family, and if I had a really big win I would divide it up between myself, my kids, my sister and my neices, and love the fact that I could make things eaier for them and treat them. At no point would it occur to me to say 'I bought the ticket so i get to keep all the money because none of you paid towards the tickets where I lost.' That such a gittish outlook on life.

How much has DH paid into this weekly betting group over the time he's been in it? How much has he won in total? Is he down overall (likely)?

If he's funding it from his own money, and OP wasn't interested in funding it when he was losing, I think he can spend it on what he wants.

What a prick. Denying his children a little holiday.

In my experience, his win hasn't landed a profit. He likely gambles away more than what he won!

Selfish AND deceitful. What a shitty thing to do!