AIBU to feel insulted.

[Leftoutthewill]

Mum died April 25, previous will stated that any estate was to be split between me and my sister. We should have been in line for a share of a 285,00.00 estate. My sister and her husband have taken responsibility for everything for my mum for the last 17 years, shopping, appointments caring for dad as he was dying, taking her on holiday, having her at Christmas, sitting with her at hospital for emergencies, helping her sort out bills, things going wrong with the house responding to her care alarm all thr while living 20 miles away. In the end she kept falling they took her to live with them and cared for her 24hours a day, eventually this became too much and she spent the last couple of months in a care home.
We just went every now and then and until recently we'd not seen her in four years.
My sister is executor of the will and chose to go through a solicitor. It turns out the six month probate finished on 12th February and I've recently had a letter to say that I'm due to receive some money but not detailing how much. I never received a copy of the will so have contacted the solicitor and have discovered that my sister has been left the majority of the estate and I'm left wih £10,000. She gets around £260,000
Apparently she changed her will about 12 months before she died, she has capacity according to a capacity assessment and its all legal and above board. Apparently there is very little I can do.
I feel like the solicitor should have written to me to explain about the 6 months probate but apparently the will was public information and was downloadable months ago. Apparently he onus is on me to find will and pay to download it then take action. I should surely receive more of a share?

can you explain why you think you should have more?

Wow...you sound really ignorant, ungrateful, and entitled. If you were my child, I wouldn't leave you a single penny.

Also, you're either really drunk while typing your responses, or your chav side is shining through.

This is starting to sound a whole lot like one sister grew up morally sound, but the other sister (you)...not so much.

This is ridiculous. No one ignores their own mother for four years despite only living an hour away and then expects half of her estate.

50 miles and you visited not once in 4 years, we lived 1,000s miles away and still managed a visit every 2 years, now they are older and need more help to sort the house for winter its every autumn. Yes I have brothers/sisters who live closer and do more, yes I expect siblings to inherit more than we do (if we can anything at all - they could leave ir to the local cat sanctuary and that's their choice!).

I think you should consider yourself lucky you were remembered at all in her will.

OP lived 50 miles from their mother - I've worked with several people who travelled that distance to work every day!

I’m NC with my mother, for very good reasons. I also live in a different country to her, so couldn’t help even if I did want to. I’ve been cut out of the will, and that’s fair enough, I wouldn’t expect anything from her. The bulk of her estate will no doubt go to one sibling, who is already helping her, with a smaller amount to my other sibling.

I feel in no way entitled to anything. I think YABVU and are incredibly lucky to be getting the 10k.

She did ask for help but I thought she'd made her own bed to be honest.

I understand difficult mothers, I had one myself. As an only child, thankfully my DH was a lot better at dealing with her than I was, so I had some help and understanding.

Your sister asked for help but you gave none. Yes, you were further away and it probably was difficult. You say your sister took mum away and you weren't invited. Could you not have also taken your mum away and given your sister a break? Could you have stayed on the couch at you mum's place a couple of times a year and given your sister a break?

If you'd managed even a few weekends to go up, but you had four years without seeing her. Reading at first, I did think it was a shame that it wasn't at least an 80:20 split, but each update makes your mum sound more reasonable in her choices.

When you say you thought your sister had made her own bed...haven't you done exactly the same?

Edited to add: As an only child, it was only me and thankfully, my DH around to help mum, I was left all her debts. About $7000 in total and then had to pay all the funeral costs too. Not in the UK, so I did indeed need to sort it all out.

When one sibling steps back its not always as simple as it appears.

When I was in my 30s and showed no sign of having children my parents announced they were leaving 2/3 of the estate to my sister because she had "given" them grandchildren. I had decided to be childfree so was being punished. It was at that point I began to step back from my parents in a similar way to how OP has done. So I have some sympathy for her in that regard. Because I knew my sister would get the bulk of the estate (regardless of what I did) I went to live in another city and rarely went to see my parents after that. She had been the golden princess so I allowed her to become the golden carer.

well done mum

you deserve nothing

You were quite happy to let your sister put her life on hold for DECADES to care not only for your mum, but previously your dad too. You didn’t even bother to visit, or help on the occasion you were asked?

“She made her bed”, well so did you.

I assume all the typos before were because you were drunk and I can only assume you think you deserve more money for doing absolutely fuck all while your sister did everything is because you posted this while drunk.

If this is actually a reverse: OP your sister is a dickhead.

She made her own bed and so did you.

That’s so awful of your parents, sorry you had to deal with that.

You didn’t see her for 4 years and when your sister phoned you you refused to help with your mum. Your mum and you had a fucking awful relationship, you just don’t seem to understand that.

Is OP going to come back and read the responses?!

@Leftoutthewill

I wish I could say I’m surprised to read this but given the general levels of selfishness and arrogance people demonstrate these days I’m really not sadly.

Id ask if you have any inkling at all as to how fucking hard and exhausting it is to care for someone and then have them live with you and be reliant on you for everything but clearly you don’t cos all you cared about was yourself. I watched my mum do this for her parents and it about broke her. You couldn’t even be bothered to support your sister. If I was her, I’d be cutting contact with you completely.

And if £10k is such an insult, I suggest you transfer your inheritance directly back to your sister.

If you feel insulted by the amount OP there are plenty of charities that assist the elderly who would appreciate the money.

You hasn't seen your mum for 4 years and felt you deserved a bigger share? Weren't you bothered about seeing her at all?

End of the day, it wasn't your sister's decision, it was your mum that made the will. Maybe she decided to give based on the amount of effort each child made.

You had the chance to put more effort in but you said no when your sister asked for help. You sister must have had a hard time looking after your mum alone. You got more than what you deserved tbh.

Maybe your sister knows your mums thinking so you can ask if you want to. But from your op it sounds like the answers to why are all there.

This has reminded me that I too was accused of ‘crowing’ about the level of care I provided to my elderly parents. Far from crowing, I was simply setting out cold, hard facts so that the sibling who had buried their head in the sand could claim they didn’t know how much help and support our parents needed and also couldn’t claim that they had never been asked for help.

It made fuck all difference to what they did but it removed those ‘justifications’ from them when they were full of self-pity.

They had the audacity to complain that on her deathbed, our mother frequently called out for me… the reason she did that was because I was the one who was always there, the one who came to her aid time and time again, the one she always turned to, the one who could be relied upon to drop everything and be there for her. The heretofore invisible sibling felt ‘ignored’ by her looking for me, apparently, and muttered ‘i’m here too, you know’ in increasingly disgruntled tones in response. Couldn’t even be trusted to behave with dignity and decorum at their mother’s deathbed.

So just because a sibling is unable to travel to help out,they shouldn't get anything in the will? Doesn't a parent's love for the child matter any more? Does it all come down to who is wiping the parent's arse?

The OP didn’t bother seeing their parent for four years.

Why didn't you visit for four years? That is akin to estrangement. If I was your mum I'd consider whether I really wanted to leave my money to a child who evidently has no interest in me. Of course, if she was to blame for the estrangement, e.g. you had an abusive childhood, then it's a different story.
Add to that the fact that you didn't lift a finger during your mum's years of need.
Why do you deserve a penny?

Children aren’t automatically owed anything, no.

She didn’t say she was unable to travel. It’s not hard to travel 50 miles. Car, bus train, ask a friend for a lift. Not once in 4 years?

Doesn't a parent's love for the child matter any more?

What love has OP shown to her mother?