AIBU to feel insulted.

[Leftoutthewill]

Mum died April 25, previous will stated that any estate was to be split between me and my sister. We should have been in line for a share of a 285,00.00 estate. My sister and her husband have taken responsibility for everything for my mum for the last 17 years, shopping, appointments caring for dad as he was dying, taking her on holiday, having her at Christmas, sitting with her at hospital for emergencies, helping her sort out bills, things going wrong with the house responding to her care alarm all thr while living 20 miles away. In the end she kept falling they took her to live with them and cared for her 24hours a day, eventually this became too much and she spent the last couple of months in a care home.
We just went every now and then and until recently we'd not seen her in four years.
My sister is executor of the will and chose to go through a solicitor. It turns out the six month probate finished on 12th February and I've recently had a letter to say that I'm due to receive some money but not detailing how much. I never received a copy of the will so have contacted the solicitor and have discovered that my sister has been left the majority of the estate and I'm left wih £10,000. She gets around £260,000
Apparently she changed her will about 12 months before she died, she has capacity according to a capacity assessment and its all legal and above board. Apparently there is very little I can do.
I feel like the solicitor should have written to me to explain about the 6 months probate but apparently the will was public information and was downloadable months ago. Apparently he onus is on me to find will and pay to download it then take action. I should surely receive more of a share?

How could you feel shut out when she asked you for help? When you chose not to visit for years?

Unfortunately your non-involvement has not served you well.

It does sound like you were pushed out, but 4 years is a hell of a long time not to see an elderly mother.

50 miles isn’t at the other end of the earth in my opinion.

You must feel with hindsight the writing was on the wall for a very long time.

Your sister deserves every penny. She’s done a great job.

My BiL lived thousands of miles away from his mother but managed to see her multiple times a year.

In your place I'd consider myself fortunate to be left anything. If I'd been your mother you'd not have had a single thin penny.

You didn’t bother seeing her for four fooking years. Get over yourself you have been a massive shite. I would have left you £10.

Wills and inheritance are gut wrenching. Its not so much about the money but what is symbolises.

It appears you didnt have a great relationship with your mother. Perhaps your sister was the golden child hence the clique-y-ness between them.

My mother didn't like me growing up and we're quite distant now. She has a great relationship with her sons (typical traditional Irish mother). I dread to think of her will...not because of the cash but who it appears she publicly favours. I wouldn't mind if her assets are squandered before her death to avoid this mess.

I was always nice to my mother growing up by the way but somehow was assigned role of scapegoat.

Sounds like you couldn't be arsed when things got hard and now you're reaping what you've sown. As is your sister.

50 miles is not a lot. I live in South Manchester and my husband is currently working on a project in Galgate, 50 miles away. He drives there and back every day. You could have gone more regularly.
Where there's a will, there's a way, but in this case it's more where there's a will, there's a relative.

Would you have made more of an effort to visit your mum and help out had you been aware that by not doing so, you'd "lose" half of your mum's money??

You sound awful I wouldn’t have left you a penny if you were my daughter

(I live 300 miles from my parents and see them every 6 weeks and that’s with young kids in tow)

It was your Mums choice who to leave her money too

My DF lives nearly 60 miles from me and I do the round trip every week to spend time with him/ see him

i think you’re lucky she left you anything

You got more than you deserve.

You Fucked Around and Found Out, op.
I love that for you 🥰🤣🤣

OP, I really dislike my mum. She's loud, dismissive and only talks about how ill she is BUT I see her 2-3 times a week...I can only manage 1/2 at a time. She's your mum, you only get one (if they aren't abusive).

Your sister and her husband cared for your mum for 17 years and you did nothing, not even visit her. Not for your mum's sake or to help your sister out. Your sister asked for help and you refused it. That's not making her bed is it? She rang and asked you to help and you refused, so why would she invite you to the fun stuff?

Are you feeling some remorse about how you behaved now, and the realisation that your mum must have thought it was lousy has compounded it?

If you are asking people to sympathise with you because you are getting less than you thought you should, there may be some out there who would think fair enough, that's a disappointment. But you are asking if you "should" have got more. No, there is no "should" about it. Your mother did what she wanted. Whatever your thoughts on who deserves what, that's all irrelevant - it only matters what your mother thought.

You reap what you sow! Sounds like you didn’t have a great relationship and therefore she gave what she thought you deserved.

Inheritance is not a right. Your mother was of sound mind and made her choice.

Frankly your sister looked after your mum, you visited occasionally and you think you deserve more from the will than the token visits you made are worth... hmm.

I live over 160 miles from my parents. I see them about every other month. 50 miles isn’t really that far to go 4 years without seeing her. If I went that long without seeing her while my sibling cared for her full time I’d fully expect to be cut out.

You’ve spent your post complaining that she was difficult to care for and thinking “fuck it” and let your sister crack on with it. I’m honestly surprised you’ve been given 10k to be honest because it doesn’t sound like you’ve been particularly good to your mother.

Here’s one for you OP. DH and I do pretty much everything for FIL who regularly messes himself deliberately, is as rude he possibly can be to everyone, delights in creating filth, he’s a horror.

DH will inherit nothing, it all goes to his brother who does the square root of nothing.

Would you rather be insulted like that, or like to keep your free £10k?

I am insulted that my DB & I are 50/50 in our parents will. I'm the one who already does everything & will shoulder 100% of age care. DM is likely to live to 100 like her DM & can't even manage money. Why should DB get 50%? He turns up for a weekend twice a year and does nothing to help. Admittedly my DM has stated the money in her accounts should come to me to recognise that I'm the one doing the work, but it isn't in the will so won't count. How much you turn up matters.

DH has a similar scenario with his DF, and shouldered the support when when his DM was dying. He was out every night and all weekend & moved in with them for a while, leaving me with all child care at home etc. on my own for months. SIL turned up for an hour on a weekend. Now DH takes his own leave to help DF at doc appointments etc. SIL turns up every 3 months or so and expects us all to drop everything to attend.

This has also meant we've had careers stunted and holidays reduced to driving distance, while our siblings thrive career wise & travel overseas without a thought. It's only going to get worse & I foresee us not being able to go anywhere for long when we retire.

Imo whoever does the work should get the lions share of inheritance.

And you made yours TBH

Hard as this may feel, it seems to be the consequences of your choices

The answer to that question is in the reply history.

Why would she leave you anything?

You’d not seen her in four years, your choice, you could have visited, you could have offered to take her away, you also chose not to visit, you were estranged, you were lucky to get what you did .