AIBU to feel insulted.

[Leftoutthewill]

Mum died April 25, previous will stated that any estate was to be split between me and my sister. We should have been in line for a share of a 285,00.00 estate. My sister and her husband have taken responsibility for everything for my mum for the last 17 years, shopping, appointments caring for dad as he was dying, taking her on holiday, having her at Christmas, sitting with her at hospital for emergencies, helping her sort out bills, things going wrong with the house responding to her care alarm all thr while living 20 miles away. In the end she kept falling they took her to live with them and cared for her 24hours a day, eventually this became too much and she spent the last couple of months in a care home.
We just went every now and then and until recently we'd not seen her in four years.
My sister is executor of the will and chose to go through a solicitor. It turns out the six month probate finished on 12th February and I've recently had a letter to say that I'm due to receive some money but not detailing how much. I never received a copy of the will so have contacted the solicitor and have discovered that my sister has been left the majority of the estate and I'm left wih £10,000. She gets around £260,000
Apparently she changed her will about 12 months before she died, she has capacity according to a capacity assessment and its all legal and above board. Apparently there is very little I can do.
I feel like the solicitor should have written to me to explain about the 6 months probate but apparently the will was public information and was downloadable months ago. Apparently he onus is on me to find will and pay to download it then take action. I should surely receive more of a share?

My mum and I had an okay relationship I just assumed that I would get more of the share too. It has been a blow.

?? you’ve said earlier on she’s a difficult woman, you barely saw her when you DID see her and hadn’t seen her for years by the time she died. Do you noy really understand what constitutes even an ‘okay’ relationship?
Honestly I wouldn’t be whinging. Some may have given less or nothing at all given your ‘can’t be arsed’ attitude.

'An okay relationship' is not failing to visit someone elderly and in poor health for four years when you only live 50 miles away.

If your mum had had to employ full time carers they'd have probably cost what she left to your sister. Compensation equal effort in this case, I'd say.

My friend's Dad wanted to leave all of his money to her and nothing to her brother because he'd done bugger all. The solicitor talked him out of it and said it was better to leave the brother something so he wouldn't contest the will. A similar thing might have happened here.

Your case seems to be that your mother was so awful that you couldn't be arsed to visit for years even when the woman was in poor health. So look on the money as recompense for the four years of hell your sister must have endured with your difficult mother, four years that you had foot loose and fancy free.

Omg 50 miles is nothing.

When you were enjoying yourself, and not going to see your mum, your sister was doing a daily grind of care. She probably missed out on a lot by caring for mum, not to mention the stress, the worry, the exhaustion, and maybe having to provide intimate care at the end. All of which takes a toll. I hope she now treats herself to something really nice. She deserves it.

I only have this thread.

I understand that you are shocked that you won't get what you were expecting but there isn't anything you can do about it. I also think that no matter how you feel about your sister 17 years of care is a marathon effort, caring for the elderly is very difficult. Frankly you didn't do anything even when your sister asked for help. You could have gone to see your mum. Fifty miles isn't a long way away.

My grandmother had 9 children, when she died 8 were still living. 3 of them had given up their whole adult lives - they were in their 60s when she died - to stay in the family home and look after her (my grandmother had had health problems since before I was born, I was 28 when she died).

My mother had a poor relationship with her, and for a period of nearly a decade, starting when I was 14, she went total no contact with my grandmother. This was back in the 80s, where it was far easier for someone to completely disappear...which is what my mother did.

When my grandmother died she left my mother nothing. Everything went to the 3 children who had cared for her for over 40 years. That was nearly 30 years ago and my mother is still pissed off about it. My mother had only been back in contact with her for about 4 years when my grandmother died and their relationship still wasn't that great. I really don't understand why my mother expected to be left anything in those circumstances.

Not for the last four years you didn't! She needed your help and you refused. You assumed you would get her money even though you have done nothing to deserve it. Your sister did the hard work for years.

Really !
You only lived 50 miles away and you went about 4 years without seeing her !!
Sounds like your sister and her husband did everything so in my opinion you only deserve a token amount.

I agree that your mother shouldn't have left you £10K. £10 seems fairer.

The solicitor only acts for the person who has instructed them.

That's why my solicitor couldn't discuss matters with the beneficiaries who contacted him about their 'bounced' cheques - he just passed the concerns to me. (I was executor.)

His secretary did phone one of them for me, at my instruction. (The parent of the other beneficiary.)

In fact, my solicitor strongly argued that I shouldn't give any money at all to one of the beneficiaries, since they weren't actually mentioned in the will. (They hadn't been born when it was written.) I told him to explain (truthfully) that my husband had left a verbal instruction.

Maybe your mum felt insulted that you didn't help and the care was all left to your sister? Maybe your sister was insulted that you didn't step up?

Sometimes you reap what you sow.

And your mum thought, fuck it, you have most of the money then, to your sister.

You’re lucky you got anything with your attitude.

If you had bought in care for your mum, and then mum had gone into care instead of going to live with your sister you'd probably receive a similar amount.

£10,000 is quite generous, under the circumstances.

I don’t think she was showing of, I think she was just telling you how hard she was finding it. 50 miles is not a long away to go and visit your family every few months. Your attitude of doing nothing to help but expecting a reward/benefit reminds me a lot of my STBXH.

I feel really shut out, she always had Christmas at her house, always took her away and never invited me. They had their own clique that I felt I couldn't be part of. She did ask for help but I thought she'd made her own bed to be honest

I know that I'm still offended by the lack of hospital visits for my husband. I can't forgive it. It does rankle.

I remember my husband telling me that he didn't think that the kids would come to his funeral. I reassured him that he was wrong - of course they would come. (They weren't estranged - they just didn't do difficult visits: they'd come up for things that didn't involve stress.)

He died during lockdown, so I guess that they had an excuse to an extent but at least one of them could have been there. I don't think I'm ever going to get over that.

I suppose that the OP did at least see her mother at the end.

You couldn't have organised a holiday for your mum?

ETA You mean that your mum never invited you?

Sounds like you've also made your own bed really. You could have tried harder, seen your Mum without your sister, called her, sent cards, even letters if you couldn't visit yourself.

People with ok relationships see their relatives who live only 50 miles away more than once in a blue moon. They also have some inkling as to what is in their will as they've had a discussion about it.

If you see this as unfair, how about doing a different calculation where you and your sister split the money 50/50 and you then "pay" her for all the driving round and care she's given your mum (and dad) over the years. Do you think you'll have more than £10K left? I don't.

So if you refused to offer any help, what exactly did you want your sister to do? Invite you to Christmas and on holidays, to be an extra person that needed looking after?