AIBU fuming over DS16 returning home drunk

[happyandhealthy4]

DS16 went to an event in London yesterday for 16-18 year olds alongside a few friends. He returned home at midnight and reeked of alcohol. Before he left I made it very clear, don't drink or this will be the last party you go to, and yet he ignored my warning and returned home smelling very strongly of alcohol. AIBU to be very angry over this situation? When I asked him whether he been drinking and what he was drinking he initially lied but later just ignored my questions.

Is it uncommon for 16 year olds to be getting drunk at parties? How should I proceed?

Christ alive. Are you that naive OP.

If you go nuclear over it he's just going to do it and lie about it. As someone with an alcoholic parent I'd much rather my kids didn't drink either - I know it's not harmless - but if you blow everything up you risk the only means of control you have over him. That is, your good relationship. There is literally no other leverage you have to make them do what you want at this age.

“Before he left I made it very clear, don't drink or this will be the last party you go to,”

why are you making threats you can’t possibly keep?? You can’t dictate how he spends his time in that way given his age

You don’t know that he was very drunk or even drunk though - he was acting normally, able to message you normally during the night.
smelling alcohol on him doesn’t automatically being drunk.
There’s nothing wrong with a 16-18 having some alcohol at a party (as long as not driving or other such stuff). You need to relax.

Did you drink when you were young?
Do you drink now?
Did you grow up in a different country?
Just wondering where your very strong worries come from?

@happyandhealthy4

also OP do you not remember being 16?! Did you not drink as a teen?

You could really tell the kids at uni who'd been brought up by 'stern' parents- they all went extreme in terms of drinking, partying etc. The most sensible girl I knew at uni had been given sips of wine at the dinner table by her parents as a young child- she never drank to excess.

I do think being stern (as in if you ban him from parties!) could lead him in the wrong direction when he does get a bit of freedom. And if you were more accepting and less stern he'd probably confide in you more, so you'd know if he had a problem etc.

Wow, cop on OP.

I mean, yes, alcohol can be dangerous. But it can also be consumed safely without adverse effects and IMO a healthy relationship is possible with it. It takes time to learn how it agrees with you and your limits. Your views seem quite extreme wrt alcohol which is your choice but not everyone will agree with you and clearly your DS wants to experiment like his peers. It is normal.

I am 50 and when I was 16, the vast majority of us drank. Those with strict parents had to hide it well and did a pretty good job of it! So you will have to tread carefully with how to manage it, as he may find ways of hiding it.

My 16 year old attends parties and has a few drinks.

I do not drink myself. I do not like my children drinking underage.

However, they are drinking in a safe space, I.e at a friends party and they, so far, have been sensible - Go out, have fun, come home.

Micromanaging these types of situations never seems to end well.

At 16, they can get married, it’s quite silly really, to ban attendance to parties again unless they were so drunk they were incapacitated, violent, brought home by the Police etc.

OP has clearly never been a teen or met a teen

You are massively overreacting. He only lied because you have unreasonable expectations. Teens drink. What you want them to do is drink responsibly which if he was able to get home and did not appear drunk and was not ill, he clearly did.

You can be against it all you like, many parents probably agree with you.
However if you want to maintain open and honest communication with your DS you will need to take a completely different approach or risk pushing him away, encouraging him to lie and being more likely to end up in dangerous situations because he can’t be honest with you.
Time to reframe your parenting as your DS approaches adulthood.

Have you been living under a rock???

Are you teetotal yourself?

NOBODY gets drunk between 4pm and 8pm (say) and then sobers up (at a party where others are still drinking) by midnight. Even a seasoned drinker would find that very, very hard to do.

If he wasn't acting drunk, and wasn't sick, then I don't understand what your problem is. You can't tell how much someone has drunk by smelling their breath. One mouthful of beer would be enough.

Also I think you are missing a trick here. The kids that end up having problems with alcohol are the ones who haven't been taught how to drink sensibly and safely. You should be having conversations with him about how much is sensible to drink, and about safety with alcohol (eg drinking with mates and sticking together / looking out for each other).

Why are you so upset OP? Do you not see you have overreacted? Is there something in your life that has made you very susceptible to feeling so bad about this? Its entirely normal, please dont damage your relationship with your DS over something so trivial.

He smelt of drink ... he was not legless, nor even visibly drunk. If the others were having a drink he was bound to join in and it sounds as though he has done so with remarkable restraint.
Cut him a bit of slack.
Tell him you can smell he has had a drink but that you are very glad he has not got drunk. Talk to him about the dangers and loss of control of drinking to much. Equip him with the tools for sensible drinking, because he IS going to drink. I think you need to start being realistic.
He needs your calm support in negotiating this stage of his life and developing a healthy relationship with alcohol not your anger.

Or someone else spilt a drink on him! I was watching a rugby match at our local club last week with my 9 year old. Our team scored the person next to my son jumped in excitement and emptied an entire pint of beer on my son - he smelt like he'd bathed in a brewery walking home!

I have a feeling you don't take anything lightly.
Your poor son.

I was doing this aged 15 in the 90s and I am INCREDIBLY respectable now OP so I wouldn’t fret too much 😂

Edited to add - I had one friend who wasn’t allowed to do this until she was 18 and she was the ONLY one we ever had to carry home because she drank so excessively - precisely because it was a bigger deal to her than the rest of us……,

I think he did quite well going out at 4pm and then still coherent midnight - he wasn't asleep or being sick so obviously her wasn't too drunk.

I get you have told him not to do it, but lots of kids his age do and I think you could of been more realistic with him and said to limit drinks, have plenty of water, made him have a big breakfast etc rather than an outright ban which he has ignored anyway. I get drinking at that age isn't great but you could be more helpful to. Lesson learnt for you both.

I’m not sure why any 16-18 year olds would want to go to an event specifically for 16-18 year olds because the venue would lose their licence if they sold alcohol. Obviously I know they’ll likely bring it in.

Did you not drink at 16? I know I did. My parents weren’t strict about it therefore I didn’t hide it and didn’t do it excessively!
He kept you updated about where he was and didn’t seem drunk! My DH can have 2-3 beers and stink, if you were sober it would smell more.
Just have a calm chat with him about knowing his limits, eating beforehand and keeping you updated like he did. He’s going to do it whether you like it or not and trust me, you’ll have more control over it and he’ll confide in you more if you’re not so strict about it.

He can't have drunk too much then. Trying to act normal in front of your parents is part of the process. I did it in the 70s. My daughter did it in the 90s (some things I only found out about 20 years later) and my grandsons have done it.

Because the 18yr olds buy the 16/17yrs old drinks?