Was I right to leave?

[Roulett]

I have been visiting adult DD to help with the children for half term. She has two children a six year old boy and 12 month old boy. They along with my son in law live three hours drive away so when I go I have to stay. We agreed I would arrive Monday and stay until Thursday morning. Unfortunately when I arrived the baby was quite poorly and ended up being sent to hospital yesterday although was then discharged with medication. My daughter and son in law asked me to stay but I already had plans for the weekend (friend’s granddaughters christening) so I said no. My daughter was upset saying she hasn’t been sleeping and needs more help as the baby is poorly. I’ve now come away and my daughter is being very short with me on the phone. Was I unreasonable not to stay? I’d already helped whilst there and she knew when I was meant to leave.

I can't imagine not wanting to be there. My children come first, especially over a christening..I would be gutted if I were your daughter. She asked, you said no, that's your right, you've damaged your relationship. She needed you and you left.

You literally said you wouldn’t need to do it because your mum raised you right, to be strong and capable. The insinuation behind that everyone else wasn’t raised properly.

When you’ve no idea what you’re talking about. That’s all I accused you of saying and you did say it.

What’s your relationship like normally, why do you live so far away from each other? Whose choice was that? I mean, if she’s not around for you day to day you need to keep your support network that you do have; likewise when you live miles from family you can’t depend on them helping out except by arrangement.

A lot of us have grown up being taught that coping with this sort of thing without parental help is normal.

Ah, the written word can create problems like this eh?

No, I didn't say that.

My mum's way of thinking would've been she raised us to be strong and capable and that would've been her reasoning not to travel 300 miles and part of her decision making to the situation. If you take that as an insult to all other people who want their mum, that's on you. Nothing about being raised 'properly' (that's telling!), or any of that. Jumped to conclusions you have.

As I said, I didn't start insults. I did however get piled upon, so did my poor dead mum FFS!

This.

And thankyou.

YABU no way would I have left my DD if she had asked me to stay in these circumstances. She would be my priority over the christening of a friends Grandchild. No wonder she is being short with you.

The OP didn’t need to travel 300 miles, did she? She was there. And choose to bugger off home for a mate’s grandchild.

And once again, you have no idea what you are talking about. You are childless, so you’ve no idea and you’ve never had the option of having your mum there in most of your adult life, so you’ve no idea. That is very sad for you, but it does mean that you cannot relate.

Give it a rest, you've been looking for an argument the whole time.

That isn't a good thing 🙈

My poorly grandchildren would come before my friend’s granddaughter’s christening

Lots of presumptions and attack is the best form of defence eh?
You were wrong too about boomers too. Ah well.
Have a lovely weekend.

You know what? It couldn't have been further from the truth, but you and others have.
Also, you didn't have to respond, takes more than one person to argue, no? So, give it a rest yourself. 😂

CoralOP · Today 15:21
Give it a rest, you've been looking for an argument the whole time

🤘

Yes YWBU. A friend’s granddaughter’s christening is less important than supporting your own daughter who was probably on her knees with stress and exhaustion.

Happyjoe regarding who is 'starting arguments'

So I posted to say how lovely my MIL was and how she is loved and appreciated by all our family, you responded saying it was transactional love because she's doing stuff for us.

Yeah....you're definitely not the one trying to start arguments.

Again, I'm not trying to argue with you (neither is other people, you are just incredibly reactive and angry), I'm saying to you that having a mother who wouldn't help you in that situation isn't a good thing. I had a mother like that too but I have seen many other examples of good mothers so had the opportunity to realise it wasn't great.
This all still stands weather your mum is alive or dead, or your cat is poorly, that's all irrelevant. I want to reiterate that if you do ever gave children please don't treat her like that.
It's probably best you step away from this thread, you're grasping arguments and getting yourself really wound up.

Me too..

There are two parents.

But your DD was clearly upset, stressed and worried about the baby and probably wanted the reassurance of having you around in case the baby took unwell again and also because she was struggling.

. I think she might have understood if you'd absolutely had to go back to work and had no choice, But in her eyes you were going for a social occasion, someone elses grandchild was more important than your own, so that's probably why she's upset with you.

I would have stayed as well. My own mother refused to help with my baby when I was ill with norovirus and I never forgot that day, although it was a long time ago.

No, you had already complained about your mum, then told, me - yes TOLD me that my lovely mum was the same as yours. A mum I had already said who was lovely is now being compared to someone who doesn't hold their mother in high reguard.

How patronising, how unkind, how cheap. And this wasn't the end of it from you.

How amusing that people can't see their own faults when pointing out the faults of others.

Re: the transactional. Yes, it was showing how I felt, as I had a mum who didn't come to everything when asked but who was still kind and lovely lovely woman and the most loved member of our family. She was indeed the glue that held us together. What she did for us as favours didn't as equate into love. It was a different experience to you and a different way of thinking, but apparently that's now argumentative. OK.

I think it was pretty cold of you to prioritise a christening (your presence there was hardly vital) over your daughter who was asking for your help. I can't say I blame her for being disappointed in you.

Presumptions? So you do have kids then? Which you’ve been asked plenty of times and ignored, because you don’t. And you don’t know what you’re talking about.

You said your mum would not come and help you if you asked her when your child had been taken to hospital.
I said sorry she sounds like my mum. She does.

You then said that you had been brought up to be non judgemental and bitchy insinuating that I was being judgemental and bitchy ( I was judging your mother but I wasn't bitchy.)

Is that what you mean by people not seeing their faults, still it was you that's starting everything.

You're lashing out at anyone and everyone you can. You obviously have a lot of complex feeling towards your mum. You think she is pretty amazing but the fact that she wouldn't help you if you asked in a desperate situation speaks volumes about her.

I'm not here trying to upset you but you are out here trying to be nasty to everyone and you don't have kids so can't even begin to understand why we don't agree with your point of view.

Yep, totally agree. If my DC asked me to stay with them I absolutely would unless it was something I absolutely couldnt get out of, in which case I would just do what I had to and go back.

Well, of course it's up to her to care for her children and all that.. but my Mum definitely would have stayed (as would I, if I was the grandma) not just the lack of sleep but having a child sick enough to need hospital care is so stressful. I wouldn't personally prioritize the christening of a friends grandchild over your own sick grandchild.

You have effectively put your plans of a non relatives christening ahead of supporting your daughter and your poorly, hospitalised grandbaby. I’m surprised people aren’t giving you a harder time to be honest. She needed you.