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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be confused: some couples don’t share a bed/room with their when they have a new baby?

254 replies

Raye7 · 19/02/2026 22:06

Today i discovered some couples don’t sleep in the same bed when they have a new baby (and the dad/other parent doesn’t help through the night). It’s not something we have done or even considered.

Does your partner sleep in the same bed as you, if you have a newborn/baby who wakes in the night?

Why do people choose to do this?

(obviously i know i am being unreasonable - people can do what they want - posting here for traction)

OP posts:
Thechaseison71 · 19/02/2026 22:56

Dollymylove · 19/02/2026 22:53

If mum is on maternity leave and Dad is working he Will need a good night's sleep

Ok but what is both parents are working. Read here that people are in desperate beds for a year sometimes. Many people have returned to work long before that and only a small percentage of babies are breast fed by 6 months

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 19/02/2026 22:57

Helpforsummer · 19/02/2026 22:09

I breastfeed so what's the point of us both being knackered.
I also cosleep and I'd rather have more bed. Oh and he snores 😂

Me too.

DH had to get up early for work and I could sleep in/go back to bed with baby.
Worked for us, especially in the newborn ‘feed every 2 hours’ weeks.

FlashingFairyLight · 19/02/2026 22:58

I breastfed and co-slept/'breast slept' so had the duvet off and away from baby - DH was cold. DH was also a 'roll risk' for baby, and he snores. Our bed isn't a huge double.
We all slept better separately

Same.
Compared to the insane set up I started with DC1 where I used to get up & go downstairs to feed, (whhhyyy????) it was life changing to just shuffle DC2 onto the boob and carry on napping while he fed.
DH is a sleep junkie - he genuinely needs min 8h to function well - so sleeping separately meant he was on par in the day. Everyone was a winner.

Our marriage survived sleeping separately for a few weeks 👍🏼

Miranda65 · 19/02/2026 22:58

Well, OP, if the surgeon about to do your heart transplant is the parent (likely father, to be fair) of a new baby, how confident would you feel about your operation if that surgeon wasn't getting any sleep at nights? People have jobs, it's just common sense to ensure proper sleep.

JLou08 · 19/02/2026 23:01

Co-sleeping is safer with only a breastfeeding mum in the bed, no one else.
I didn't do it but I've never found the concept confusing. Are you aware some couples choose to sleep separately even without a baby?

Allswellthatendswelll · 19/02/2026 23:01

We were sleep divorced pre children even because DH snores and I kick! Now I co sleep and breastfeed. With current baby DD I get a decent night even if she wakes up a bit as I barely have to move? Half the time I don't even fully wake up. If I have a bad night because of teeth or something I wake up DH and he takes her or he has her first thing in the morning. I dont think its very safe to have Dad in with a co sleeping baby.

How did you only discover this now? Do you not have friends with kids? If this is a "parents these days" thing then it's actually very normal throughout history to sleep away from your partner and very abnormal to sleep away from your vulnerable young.

Thechaseison71 · 19/02/2026 23:03

ScarlettSarah · 19/02/2026 22:24

It's interesting isn't it, how we all react so differently? I had rough recoveries but still went back to sex ASAP as it was a part of feeling like I was still myself, if that makes sense. I think wanting to sleep in the same bed as DH still was a part of that. It felt really important to me that while a large part of my identity was shifting, I was also 'still me'. I appreciate others feel differently and this isn't a criticism of anyone.

Show quote history

That's understandable

CDTC · 19/02/2026 23:09

I co sleep as our room is beyond freezing and I breastfeed. Dp has a hard physical job so he sleeps downstairs. It works well for us as he is rested for work and helps out when he is at home, there's no reason for us both to be knackered when I have to do all the feeds anyway.

Judystilldreamsofhorses · 19/02/2026 23:09

This will blow your mind, OP, but we don’t even have a baby, and quite often sleep in separate beds. DP snores, and I suffer from night terrors and sometimes wake up screaming my head off. I can get straight back to sleep but it is quite frightening for another person and DP then struggles to fall asleep again. We probably have two nights in the week (never at the weekend) where he’s in the spare room and I’m in our bed and we both sleep better for it.

I love being able to make a nest of duvet and quite often bring the cat in with me!

Ella31 · 19/02/2026 23:09

Seperate sleeping for a while was the best ever. I was in a lot of pain after my second csection. 1st csection had been a cat 1 emergency csection so room in the bed was ideal. I bottle fed and dd was in the next to me bed in our main room. Dh and I took shifts. One parent got sleep in the guest bedroom and we swapped over different nights. Worked really well for us. We were lucky dd was a good sleeper during the day as well so I could get a bit of rest when dh went back to work. Dh has always helped but obviously if you are breastfeeding I'm not sure how helpful he could be.

MsSmartShoes · 19/02/2026 23:11

My husband wouldn’t moderate his weekend drinking etc when we had a restless baby so it was safer for him to be away from us.

Simplesbest · 19/02/2026 23:13

I breastfeed and Co sleep, I need the whole double bed. OH always leaves the bedroom for the last month of pregnancy and the first year till baby goes in their own room or onto a floor bed in our room. It works for us. I don't need his help in the night and would feel guilty for letting baby moan or fidget if it was keeping OH awake too. He works 40+hrs a week and is amazing with the kids and around the house . I definitely see the nights as my job exclusively.

HappyMamma2023 · 19/02/2026 23:13

When our son was newborn we decided my husband would sleep in the spare room as he has a driving job and wouldn't be safe for him to be woken up. As baby fot older and slept longer we then shared a bed more often ubtil baby went into cot in own room at 6m and everything went back to normal.

CheeseNinja · 19/02/2026 23:15

My husband slept separate from me depending on who was doing the nights where with baby etc. Tbh he was fantastic and in the end did most of the night feeds so I could sleep.

FourOfDiamonds · 19/02/2026 23:17

We have a 4 month old and share a bed (with baby in a next to me crib) but honestly I wish my husband would sleep in the spare room. He says he loves being with us and being there for morale support/ if he's needed which is very sweet but practically I think it would be much easier on my own. Like I breast feed so he can't really help and because he is here I keep the lights off and wear headphones plus he radiates heat and I just feel quite claustrophobic. I keep suggesting he has a night in the spare room to get a good rest but he just says we don't disturb him haha

BillieWiper · 19/02/2026 23:19

Id say sone people would sleep leaning on the seat of a bus shelter if they've got a new baby. You need to get sleep, so you can't always expect an extra person is not going to affect a couple cuddling up nicely in their bed together at night and having a nice relaxing time.

TokenGinger · 19/02/2026 23:19

Neither of my kids would sleep in a cot. I co-slept with both of them. I didn’t feel safe doing that with two adults in the bed. When breastfeeding, it fell to me. When formula feeding and I was back at work, we shared the load, did one night each. We still do that now as youngest DD still co-sleeps.

I am much happier sleeping apart from DP. He’s a snorer, I’m a light sleeper, I slept terribly and in turn, I was a grouchy person to be around. We are much happier sleeping apart, for now. I know I’ll need to re-adjust to his snoring though when DD moves into her room, where I mostly sleep now.

Abd80 · 19/02/2026 23:20

I breastfeed and bedshare with my baby in a massive bed - so I do all baby’s night wakes- but I don’t actually get out of my bed at all. I don’t even sit up I breastfeed lying down. (Following safe sleep seven guidance)
My husband is in a separate room and goes to the older children if they wake or he bedshares with them when they need cuddles.

Stuckinthemiddlewithyouuhoh · 19/02/2026 23:22

Only thing that really makes people sleep inthe same room is poverty, the wealthy usually had two adjoining rooms

Twooclockrock · 19/02/2026 23:24

We hardly sleep in the same bed. I prefer to sleep alone as I am a restless sleeper and I get up for the toilet a lot. Dh is a very light sleeper and grumpy when tired.
This all started when we had our first and continued.

Funkylights · 19/02/2026 23:28

One has to go to work the next day. They need sleep

PurpleThistle7 · 19/02/2026 23:30

At the start it was because my daughter was a preemie and had reflux so someone had to be up with her all night - we split the night so we’d each get 4-5 hours of sleep if all went to plan. I’m a super light sleeper so never slept well when she was there (PPA) so we had to prioritise my getting enough sleep to function and did whatever we had to do.

RealReginaPhalange · 19/02/2026 23:39

not sharing for 5 years (well we do occasionally), it was just too thigh, not enough soace for everybody. His snoring was waking kids up anyway. Both kids are terrible sleepers, we have tried everything (including costly sleeping consultations), i gave up at the end. It was easier for me to sleep with my boy, whenever he was starting to toss and turns before waking up all i had to do was just hold his hand..second one is the same. Yeah husbands does very minimum at night due to being in the other room, but hey, not everything is fair and he subsidies in other ways.

RitaFires · 19/02/2026 23:40

In my house the person not looking after the baby gets to sleep in the master bedroom to get some rest. The other parent sleeps in the baby's room, she mostly sleeps through the night but she's teething at the moment so may need a lot of comforting. The exact setup of who is on baby duty and when the switchover happens varies according to everyone's needs.

Superscientist · 19/02/2026 23:41

We always have gone with the approach that there's rarely the need for us both to be awake. I'm better at night wake ups and my partner is better at early mornings.
With my daughter he slept in the spare room. He had a 90 minute commute leaving at 5.30. She was a terrible sleeper, could feed 5-10 times a night needed a lot of holding. It made sense for me and her to have the bed and my partner to have the spare room
I have a 5 month old and we have a cot bed attached to the side of the bed in half bed half cot more. He feeds once a night and spends most of the night in the cot. Partners commute has changed so it's 45 minutes from 6.30 so this time he's stayed in our bed ... Our 5 year old still comes in a couple of times a week!