To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

She did tell them, she stated.

Completely disagree with this. Prostitution isn't just a job and isn't a regulated indistry with a profession code of conducts or ethics. Prostitution is fundamentally unethical and men that thinks its ok to pay to use women's bodies are not good men and aren't great boyfriend material. Women generally detest men that use prostitutes, who are often extremely vulnerable, for good reason. You owe it to her as a friend to tell her.

I appreciate that this thread title will attract an unrepresentative sample of people who think prostitution and men that use them are just fine, but out in the real world, most women wouldn't want a partner who thought that way or used prostitutes.

Surely that’s in case her friend knows her name on here? Not much point in asking “should I tell my friend…?” if that friend knows who she is on MN.

Sorry I disagree with others and would say something because if it comes out you knew this and didn’t tell her and it went almighty wrong - I think you would lose a friend as well - it’s a tricky one though because she may be so upset and embarrassed that you may lose a friend anyway - because people in the heat of the moment say silly things like ‘I would rather not have known’

Yes, you should tell her you have slept with him but not HOW you slept with him.

I think it would be morally wrong to out this man as a user of escorts many years ago. How would you feel if he recognised you and told all his friends you’re an escort?

You are being hypocritical OP.

You had no issue with working as an export and I assume you were happy to have decent clients and take their money.

So why do you now feel it is ok to want to "shame" one of your former clients while you were happy to provide this service?

Would you be happy if someone in your circle of friends or in your family decided it was their moral duty to share with people that you were a prostitute?

Get on with your life and leave them both alone.

I am a woman by the way, so this does not come from a place of misogyny but is about fairness.

Odd replies on here. Of course you tell her. Then she can decide how she wants to proceed. I would be so upset if I was your friend and I found out years down the line that 1) my partner had paid for an escort and 2) that the escort he’d paid for was my friend. I think absolutely morally you should tell her.

Difficult one @Frienddilem

If you don’t tell her, and he recognises you and tells her, you look bad for keeping it from her.

If he doesn’t but you do tell her, it could look like stirring, although it’s come from a place of concern.

Also, he might recognise you and ask you not to tell her. That would be putting you between a rock and a hard place.

I wondered if you could say ‘he looks like one of my ‘dom’ customers’ and leave that with her … but even that is a minefield.

Honestly don’t know. Say nothing probably.

The chances are so minimal though and OP isn't the only ex prostitute in the world.

If you know that your friend would not date a man who has used sex workers, then as a friend I wouldn't keep it from her. Anyone else's views on sex work do not matter.

Not in the slightest. The friend doesn't know the partners.

Let's call the friend Alice, call the OP Barbara, call OP's partners Charles and Derick and call Alice's new partner Edwin.

Alice is not Charles and Derick's friend. Charles and Derick have no reason to expect that Alice will tell them material information about Barbara.

Barbara is Alice's friend. Alice has a reason to expect that Barbara will tell her material information about Edwin.

Now maybe over time Alice becomes friends with Charles and is not comfortable with the fact that Barbara hasn't told Charles she used to be an escort. Alice might then feel under an obligation to tell Charles (or at least to say to Barbara that she couldn't stay friends if Barbara didn't tell Charles).

I feel like we may have a few men replying here…

If you were a paid therapist to the guy, dealing with some sex-related issues, would you tell the friend about him?
I assume not, so I think it's fairly similar.

This isn’t about hypocrisy or shaming her former clients. It’s about a moral dilemma of telling her friend that she’s had sex with her new man.

Not a chance I’d protect a man like this with my silence. If he doesn’t want people to talk about him then he should behave better.

It's not because as a therapist she'd be under a professional obligation to maintain confidentiality. She might be in a horrible position, but she would be breaking the terms of her profession if she disclosed.

So over 70% of PPs would be happy to marry someone who used bdsm prostitutes in their youth and don’t see that as important information they should know? Guess they are the ones who later on down the line will be saying I just found my DH has been with a prostitute and my marriage is over.

Does everybody in your life know that you were a prostitute?

Your parents, siblings, next door neighbour, employer, your child's teacher, your hairdresser, every single friend, etc?

If not, how would you feel about the person who didn't know being told you were a dominatrix, a prostitute?

If it makes you feel uneasy, then why tell on a former client?

I wouldn't but, if you do, you should maybe be prepared for every single person you know being told about your past because he may very well decide to pay you back in kind. It might even be your friend who does this if she really does like him.

She claims she hadn’t had sex with him, so nothing to tell.

But it’s not about that. It’s about him paying for the use of a woman. Which most women are actually against, but the OP isn’t against it. So what’s her problem?

It would just be good to see OP realise how awful sex work actually is; and her doing it willingly sends the message to men that all women are when actually, so many have been trafficked. Women like OP also perpetuate the idea that we are just objects to be used by men and that our consent can be bought or manipulated or doesn’t actually matter all that much.

But no, OP is proud that it paid for travel and her house. So it’s all totally ok… except this guy, coz it’s her friend. That’s a lot of cognitive dissonance going on.

Just tell her. I'd want to know if it was me.

He's a man.

You don't need to protect him but you should make sure she has information about him if you know something. Then she can decide how she feels.

There are multiple reasons it could bother her - that he saw escorts, that he saw you specifically, a friend of hers. He might tell her once you've met and she might be bothered that you didn't tell her. It's all ifs and maybes and it probably comes down to the kind of friendship you have and how close you are.

If it was me, I would probably tell her because she's a friend - I wouldn't and probably couldn't actively keep something like that from a friend.

Seeing a medical professional and seeing a prostitute are similar?

Sorry but are there a ton of men on this thread? Why are women asking OP to protect this mans secret past? She should tell the truth and if the friend is ok with it that’s up to her.

'What's your reasoning for telling her, what do you expect her to do with that information? Would you tell her if he was someone you'd had a relationship or ONS with?'

Surely so she knows her new bf used/uses prostitutes? I'd want to know.

It could bother her that he saw you for a dom fetish, this is what I would want to know as a woman. Because this sort of fetish can be damaging in relationships, unless of course she doesn’t mind fulfilling that kink for him. But that’s what would bother me- cos if she isn’t then where is he getting his ‘relief’