To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

Ikwym. But if I was an ex prostitute I wouldn't be outing my ex clients if they'd done nothing wrong.

Though I guess equally if it's not wrong why not tell someone?

Regardless of whether they had sex, she provided a sex service that he got off on. He isn’t an anonymous client she’s taken money from and is now blackmailing- he’s her friend’s new man. This isn’t about the wrongs and rights of prostitution…it’s about loyalty to a friend.

Is your friend likely to be into the Dom/Sub thing? Because if she’s not then it’s possible he may still be using escorts for this. Is this something she’d be ok with? It’s a tricky one because I assume you have client confidentiality agreements, and I know you’re no longer working as an escort, but surely that still stands?

Is there any chance that you would be mixing with him socially when you meet up with her?

I think say nothing.

There is a small chance that it is Mistaken Identity.

I think if you do work with any kind of clients to owe them a professional level of confidentiality. If he did nothing illegal, and didn't ill treat you within the terms of your agreement, should you really be telling his private business as a client?

He wasn't with her at the time, so not cheating.

I am not a fan of men buying sex from women or men who do it, but I don't think that is relevant to your dilemma.

V uncomfortable for you.

If you must say something I would leave it opened ended and say that you think you have seen him from somewhere. He looks familiar but have not a clue where from. Or he could just look like someone you have seen around or just has one of those generic faces that makes them resemble other people

Then it is up to him to come clean or keep it a secret.
I think your friend will pass along what he says and then you know whether he is going to keep it to himself.

I think the reason not to tell your friend is that whilst she was ok with you doing escort work when it was at arms length and didn’t affect her.

There is a huge difference between that and knowing/seeing her friend and her bf in the same room and knowing what they had done together even if it was before they met.

I don’t think your relationship with your friend would survive.

I would be wary also about this guy knowing the connection and possibly wanting you out of your friends life as you are an embarrassing reminder of him at his most vulnerable and him then making things up about you.

At some point you, your friend and him will meet. I would be recording everything and n that day so words aren’t twisted

Clearly it's not regulated, but if you want to be seen as a professional then you have to set standards.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who had used prostitutes, but at the same time I wouldn't stay friends with a prostitute too.

Er, no. You are missing the point.

She was not dating the guy and having sex with him.

She was willingly selling sexual services and she now feels like she needs to warn her friend that the man she is seeing paid for sex. That' s hypocrisy because it means it was fine for her to sell sexual services but not for him to buy those services which is just daft.

Some people believe paying for sex is immoral, and would judge anyone involved in it as a bad person they'd never want near their kid/friend etc. I wouldn't judge you, or him, or anyone from that. Your friend presumably wouldn't either (though there are people who judge anyone who has sex with anyone they don't love and respect), because if she's ok with someone choosing to offer a service, whatever that is, she can't very well have an issue with a person who uses that service (obviously if either were being coerced, that's different).
As for people saying she'd have to pretend she didn't know him, that's only the same as a doctor who realised their son's new girlfriend had been in their surgery that morning, GDPR and medical ethics aside.

I am not going to comment on what anyone should morally do. The issue for me in this circumstance is that HE knows or at least potentially will remember. I am assuming that you meet reasonably regularly and there is always going to be that elephant in the room. For that reason I would tell her....maybe not all the detail. I also think though that if she decides to stick with him, this may be the end of your friendship.

If he calls you up tomorrow and asks for your services, tell her, but what consenting adults did years ago before their relationship started is private.

Your friend presumably wouldn't either (though there are people who judge anyone who has sex with anyone they don't love and respect), because if she's ok with someone choosing to offer a service, whatever that is, she can't very well have an issue with a person who uses that service (obviously if either were being coerced, that's different).

Its a lot harder to not have an issue with a friend being a prostitute once it comes into your actual life.

I don’t think the op is saying that at all.

She clearly says her friend knows her past, but she doesn’t know if she should tell her friend her boyfriend’s past.

I honestly don’t know. But if your friend knew at the time how you were working, but didn’t particularly approve, she won’t be happen with her BF’s past, equally she wouldn’t be happy if she found out not from you. Also if/when you meet it will be awkward.

if you don’t tell and he does, she won’t want to trust you again. If you tell and they split up she won’t be happy with you. What are the chances? This is a tough one.

Its not quite the same, unless she had been to see them about something like HIV or an STD....something that would have an effect on the son.

Morally aren't escorts bound by confidentiality assuming nothing illegal or abusive happened.

Maybe he will decide it's his moral duty to tell your family, new friends, neighbours employer, kids school, kids themselves that you used fo be a prostitute?

I don't think there is a generally accepted code of conduct......

It not hypocrisy at all. Her friend knows she was an escort and was free to choose whether to be friends with her or not. The OP was up front about it.

My old fwb was an escort ( not mine, I didn't pay him 🤣 ) and so was his partner ( they both started in uni and were in their 30's when i met them ) They made an absolute fortune, have a huge house, have flats they rent out ect. I know several people who have had a nice life from it

It wouldn't surprise me if the the OP tells the friend (really just to cause trouble), the relationship ends, the man then finds out where the OP works and informs them that she used to be a prostitute.

I'd tell her tbh, it probably wouldn't bother me that he'd used escorts but it would bother me if he had been sexual with a friend of mine and neither of them told me about it,

Your friend presumably wouldn't either (though there are people who judge anyone who has sex with anyone they don't love and respect), because if she's ok with someone choosing to offer a service, whatever that is, she can't very well have an issue with a person who uses that service (obviously if either were being coerced, that's different).

Have you ever heard of the Nordic model?

Apart from that, men who avail of 'services' never, ever care whether the women is potentially exploited or not.

I'm surprised by some of the responses too - some are dripping with misogny.

The moral issue isn't providing paid for dom services, nor paying for them (and yes it's perfectly possible to disapprove of men who buy women's bodies whilst not disapproving of the women selling them). This is about keeping a secret from a friend that might make the friend want to end a relationship if she knew.

If I were the friend, I'd want to know and the OP seems to think her friend would want to know so probably the right thing to do is tell her. I suppose the issue is if the friend is really into the guy and instead ends the friendship with the OP. Versus the friend finding out some other way and likely ending the friendship. The OP needn't tell the friend any great detail - just "X was a former client of mine".

After a few comments about outing you as a former escort to your employer - if you do tell your friend, you might want to let her know that if she does decide to end it for that reason, maybe not tell the guy why she ended it.

You should tell her. I'd be furious if I were in her position, and my friend knew she'd slept with my partner and never told me. It's going to hurt her WAY more if this turns into something long term and she finds out years in. Do it now. He might tell her anyway, then you'd be the lying friend and she'd never look at you the same way again. Better to open her eyes now.

What weird comments.

men who pay for sex are disgusting. I would be distraught if a friend knew my partner was that sort of man but didn't tell me.