To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

If I was your friend, I'd probably feel weirdest about you having slept with her partner and her not knowing - the as an escort thing possibly gives it more ick factor but I don't think that would really be the point for me.

She will find out he likes prostitutes when she catches him at it. The friend won't be implicated, but will be responsible for what her friend goes through, they may be married, have children by then, she may get a nasty STI, keeping it from her could have catastrophic consequences in the future but the ex-prostitute will be fine so it's OK.

I would never want to be with someone who pays for sex. It might ruin your friendship so you can’t make the decision lightly, but I’d tell her

Surely he deserves confidentiality I’d say nothing.

If you were a therapist, you'd be bound by code of professional conduct. Sex work is not regulated so it's not a fair analogy.

If there was a professional body, it would have clear guidance on this and OP wouldn't need to ask this question.

Surely the point is the boyfriend used/uses prostitutes, not that he had sex with a friend of his gf.

I would tell her, same as if he was your ex partner, unless you have a confidentiality agreement with your ex clients. Otherwise it comes across you are lying by omission. she may decide to stay with him and not see you. But still

Just skimmed some messages all saying YABU to mention it but I’m quite shocked at this and think it would be weird not to mention it.

Imagine going on double dates or to their house and not telling your mate you’ve had sex with her new boyfriend. It’s just so odd.

I don’t care if anyone disagrees with me, my feelings don’t change on this

Yes! Tell her! The man has a sexual kink and is happy to pay for that service. You absolutely should tell her. It’s for nothing to do with your previous line of work. People are conflating two very different issues.

Nowhere in her post did OP say that her friend objected to the idea of sex work or people who use sex workers.

If a man recognised his friend's new girlfriend as the prostitute he once hired, I don't think he'd be doing anything wrong by telling his friend. People have a right to know if their partner used to be a prostitute or john. Apart from anything else, both parties are likely to be STI hives.

Culpable for what?

Genuinely astonished by these responses, not least because if he was into bdsm that may be a core part of his sexual identity and if your friend isn't into it their relationship is likely doomed anyway or he will keep seeing escorts. It's possible to tell her in a way that doesn't make it 'a big thing' but be prepared for her to choose him over you.

Do you realise that the OP did not actually sleep with him? She says she'd stopped doing that when she met him, and it was just dom stuff.

If she's happy with him, I think I'd keep quiet. For me, there's a level of intimacy that hasn't been breached (piv). I think I'd 'not recognise' him from the photos, and play it by ear if you meet him. Have we met before? Yeah, maybe!

But it is a tricky one. If she asks you directly, then that's different.

I think he came to you as a presumably single man, who is entitled to purchase the service you were offering. As part of this, he is absolutely entitled to his confidentiality.

I would tell her. I’d want to know.

Completely seperate to the sex work, if I had shagged a man my friend was currently seeing, I would absolutely tell her. I don't see how this is any different. It's then up to the friend if she wants to continue.

Fuck that if it's a friend. Was there a contract and OP signed an NDA? No. She wasn't his therapist or doctor. Someone using escort services takes a risk that someone finds out about them. That was a risk he took.

If OP was this man's hairdresser she wouldn't be expected to lie and say she didn't know him. The only reason she would conceal it is because it's something that would be a problem for her friend. And that's why I would not ever conceal this.

This is a friend who is close enough that OP told her she was an escort. It's not a random acquaintance.

I can only imagine that the board has been infested with prostitute using men looking at some of the replies.

Tell her OP.
Once a punter always a punter. He won't have stopped and he will always do it.
If I was your friend I'd want to know.

And lol at the replies thinking that because a man has purchased a woman's body as a commodity that the poor lamb deserves lifelong confidentiality 😂

So many people here worried about this man’s privacy, I don’t think escorts are bound by GDPR. Find it weird that people are caught up on that but not that her friend would be unknowingly with someone who uses sex workers

I don’t know if I’d tell her outright. But I wouldn’t lie if I met him - I wouldn’t pretend not to have ever seen him before and lie to my friend’s face by saying “oh so lovely to meet you John, Jane has told me so much about you”

ETA - the comparison to a doctor or a psychiatrist are clearly ridiculous.

Does it also track that your friend should tell all of your partners that you were once a sex worker. Do your potential partners also get to make informed consent? Maybe you do let them know early on.

Yes, she did.

So you've told everyone you know and every man you've dated since, that you used to be a prostitute.

Yet you name changed for this anonymous thread? 🤣

If I was the friend I would def want to know so I say tell her. If it’s in the past for him then she might be ok with it, as your partners have been. But it should be an informed choice. Just on thing though - are you 100% sure it’s him as you didn’t realise at first. Couldn’t be his doppelgänger?