To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

I would tell her. I wouldn't date a man who engaged the services of 'escorts'.

There’s no quandary there. Being a sex worker isn’t the same thing, on any moral or ethical scale, as using them. The sex worker isn’t culpable. The client is.

And I'd be prepared to lose a friendship if it ended up being a case of 'shoot the messenger'. I couldn't live with the guilt of not having told her.

What if he tells her after meeting you and you haven't?

I would fully expect him to change the details of his story tbh. I think tell friend first, up to friend to do whatever she wants with that info.

I think you are in a tricky position. Personally, I would want to know if you were my friend. I would be weighing up what she is likely to take worse, the news coming from you, or potentially coming from him if you were to meet through her at some point in the future. Unless there is no way your paths are ever going to cross, or you suspect it's going to fizzle out very quickly, I think it's hard to imagine it won't come out at some point.

And also it’s REALLY unlikely you’re the only prostituted woman he had sex with

The OP wasn’t trafficked. And seems quite proud of herself. She is very much culpable.

Yeah I get that idea as well. I think that, combined with the fact that there is no simple way for her to contact him on this without going behind her friend's back would probably make me go for telling her directly.

OP be prepared for him to lie and say that you are mistaken.

She didn't pledge undying loyalty she sold him sex. Her friend, his girlfriend deserves to know that the sleazy bf uses/used prostitutes. That is a huge deal for any woman. The fact the prostitute made lots of money is fair enough they were both using each other, but the gf shouldn't be left in the dark about his character she wasn't part of the deal.

Are you okay? I have never said I spoke for everyone, you accused me of that. Read the posts back.

Of course you should tell her (sensitively, discreetly and without judgement). I would be furious if I found out later and think hugely less of you as a friend for keeping something like that from me.

Ooooohh I fear this is a lose-lose situation for you, OP.

If you say something, she might feel embarrassed and the friendship goes south.
If you don’t say anything and for whatever reason she finds out down the line and resents you for not saying anything, the friendship goes south.

It all comes down to whether or not you think your friend deserves to know she might potentially be in a relationship with a man who will seek escort services. Him wanting to be dommed won’t simply disappear, he’ll be getting it from somewhere.

Thought about this some more, I think telling your friend is stirring and you should keep out of it.

I’d want to know! I’m surprised anyone has said to keep schtum.

How would she find out 'further down the line'? And why would the OP not just deny that or say he was mistaken should that highly unlikely scenario play out?

Really OP you are no better than you ought to be and the decent thing would be to keep your sticky beak clamped firmly shut.

I don't see it as the equivalent of a previous relationship, she was his escourt not his girlfriend. I see it more that he was her client in a business arrangement - which is literally more accurate. I think OP has the right to keep who she saw as her own private business, she should only be obliged to reveal it if it's for someone's safety.

But this is a really difficult situation as none of us can tell which decision would play out for the best interests of OP and her friend (sod the bloke, his best interests are irrelevant). Either way it will probably cause upset, and i can understand why OP wants to avoid that for her friend.

Hypocrisy all around really. The woman has an issue with men who use escorts, but has no issue with being friends with one and listening to stories about clients. The escort would be a hypocrite for being in the profession and shaming those who used her services. The man? Well he's a user of escorts.

If you were a therapist and you recognised one of your clients as your friend's new BF, would you spill the beans?

How would you feel if someone else told your partner before you had? That would be more comparable.

Let's say, you meet a new man, all going well, you like him and you tell your friend all about him. She then decides to take it upon herself to tell him about your past because she thinks he has a right to know.

How would that sit with you?

I wouldn’t want to date a guy who had used escorts so I’d want to know.

I guess this is true, telling her might only be wise if the OP thinks herself that men who use escorts or have certain fetishes, or that the man in question would be unsafe for her friend somehow.

If I found out a man I was seeing had used escorts I would dump him.

I’d tell her on the basis he may remember and tell her. That way she knows from you and it doesn’t seem that you’re hiding it from her.

I don’t get why you’re being shamed for escort work either, it’s a job and paid your bills! X

If I started a poll saying 'If your new boyfriend had previously paid an escort for sex, would you want to know?' I think I'd get a unanimous (or at least majority vote) Yes.

This thread has gone a weird way.

I think it would be wrong of you to tell her that he was a client. Presumably he engaged your services in confidence.
Surely most of your clients had girlfriends/ wives? Did it not bother you at the time? I don't think you can play the moral card here, as you said, you've done very well out of it.

I think anyone who paid you for a service of any kind could have a reasonable expectation of client confidentiality for life, unless you stated otherwise before they paid you.
You can easily navigate this dilemma by visiting your friend, ‘meeting’ her new boyfriend, allowing him to recognise you (if he does) thereby allowing him the choice to tell your friend/his girlfriend how he recognises you if he wants to. It’s not your information to disclose.