To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

The survey was mainly concentrated on men who bought these services. I dread to think how disabled women fit in (or don’t) to be honest, because body image and self confidence tend to feed in more where women are concerned, so I suspect that their needs are largely unfulfilled. It’s really sad.

Men are not forced to use sex workers - it’s by choice. They need to Google websites, drive to premises, pay money. They have the choice to stop at any point in this process. Likewise if they are buying sex on the street they have to locate a red light district and hang around there. That’s all on them. Most of the ones who have told me about it is in the context of their wives finding out because they haven’t covered their tracks. I have no sympathy with them.

If she already knows about you escorting, I think I would just say - she can make her own choice then. Like another poster said, what if she finds out later that you kept this from her, would this ruin your friendship?
Although I'm not sure about the confidentiality in all this.

There is no statute or common-law rule that creates a special confidentiality obligation for sex workers as a category. That means:there is no automatic legal bar on disclosure. Sex work is not a regulated profession with codified ethical duties like a therapist or doctor.

Sorry, but let's not pretend buying sex is on a par with hiring a solicitor or lawyer.
Your husband didn't sleep with your sister did he?
No.

So a false equivalence if ever there was one.

OP owes this pervert nothing.
He deserves nothing.
He's a sick man and her friend deserves to know she is dating a pervert.

Agree.

Do you feel that you were in any way taken advantage of at the time? As in you were desperate for money, unhappy or in any way vulnerable in your position. If so I would tell her. I would want to know and my relationship would be over as a result.

I havent read all the replies.

Me personally, if i were the friend and I found out later that you both held this from me, neither of you I would ever call a friend again.

Omission is lying and I would be even more hurt if it came out much later down the line than straight up at the beginning. I would then not feel betrayed and could go forward with any decision I made knowing that it was my decision based on the truth and facts.

She is your friend. Tell her the TRUTH.

That post comparing the obligations of confidentiality imposed by real regulated professions to the "obligation" owed to a punter is hilarious.

Especially as buying and selling sex, even if not itself illegal is a pacta illicita, meaning that other than where an actual crime is committed the law doesn't apply.

OP doesn't get paid, tough ; punter doesn't get what he paid for, tough; either party shouts about it from the rooftop, tough.

OP has already told her friend.

Yes 99% are absolutely fine, you get the odd one who isn't but fortunately I have the option not to see them again

Thank you for answering my question.

So full services I take it mean sex

so she was happy you didn’t sleep with him but doesn’t mind you doing extras of im guessing tied up - domination - whipping etc

Sad to call the man a pervert for having a domination kink and seeking a session to live out a fantasy. He paid the person for the session

Yes I agree

That's a bit of a twist that it wasn't for sex, but for domination.
That's not an activity he would do with a GF or wife probably. But probably would pay for with someone else.

Exactly my thoughts.

It would be a different matter if he'd just met up with you last week for a spanking session then you saw his photo and realised he's actually your mate's boyfriend. You'd probably want her to know he was being unfaithful with prostitutes.
However, this happened some time ago before they met and I don't really think you get to expose him on moral grounds, when the only way he could do what he did is because you sold your services. You put yourself up for sale, he bought you.

Edit: didn't see an update when I posted.

Have you read The View From Down Here? Lucy Webster has a Substack & various other stuff on disability. The book has a lot on how disabled women are either often infantilised or sexualised in a creepy way. She had extreme difficulty with men on the dating scene. Last year though she came out as lesbian and things seem to have improved for her personally (I don't know if women are possibly more open to a disabled partner or perhaps it's because lesbians have a smaller dating pool so rethink stuff others wouldn't)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/View-Down-Here-Young-Disabled/dp/0241612764

I agree they are interesting. If OP just happened to know this person and that he’d paid for sex I am certain they’d be telling her to tell the friend because he could still be doing it, STDs etc. I don’t really get the difference. I align with the Nordic model - prostitution is a crime of violence against women. So yes, tell her.

No you’re not being funny don’t worry , just really rude & judgemental .
Get the fuck off that high horse of yours .
OP doesn’t have morals because she worked as an escort ?
You don’t know the first thing about her or her life .
She came on here & asked people’s opinions, if you can’t give yours without passing off shitty remarks , just don’t say anything to her .

OK... I have come across prostitution in my previous work as a sw. There is nothing glamorous about it. The vast majority of women who turns to prostitution come from unstable homes and have been victims of sexual abuse. OP might be the exception that confirms the rule. I still think it does something with you when you sell your body- dissociation is common and can be a problem when you are trying to have sexual relations in a romantic context.

Thank you for this. I will link and read it. In my experience, in which I’ve very often come across disabled same sex couples, I would agree that women, in the main, seem to be more open to having disabled partners. Whether it’s down to a smaller dating pool I honestly don’t know, but women seem to be able to look past the physical and see the person. I know that’s a cliche but it’s definitely been my experience.

Did you quote the wrong person?

Christ, what a depressing thing to read.

OP has already told the friend. Sex workers don’t want STDs because it limits their income so are more likely to get regular testing. STDs are not confined to sex workers.