To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

Well that shouldn't be the case in any civilised countr, there should be help provided so they do.

But it IS legal to buy & sell sex. Punters are not arrested here - what is the problem?

Google rate my punt if you think it’s confidential.

There should be, but there isn’t.

I agree. But the fact remains that some women want to engage in these services of their own free will. They are providing a safe and controlled environment and have agency as OP has demonstrated. Having a divide where some women have no choice but to be shackled and made to work until they drop for the benefit of the men controlling them, and some women, like OP have control and agency over their future is the ultimate immorality in my view.

Exactly.

Certainly don’t tell her. There are many worse things than paying for sex, and for that matter selling it. One is telling someone something that will cause unhappiness.

I’m not and have never been a sex worker. I know a number of men who have paid for sex. There is no guarantee of confidentiality and if they are charged with kerb crawling, their names are published in the local news - as in where they live, not where they were arrested.

Why will legalising selling sex on the street help? If women are being trafficked they need help to get out, not help to make selling sex easier.

Of course you shouldn't tell her.
Would you tell new partners you were an escort? How would you feel if someone else told them?

It isn’t. The anomaly here is that it is perfectly legal to sell sex, but it’s illegal to buy it. If a sex worker is operating on private premises of her own that are not classed as a brothel and is not controlled by a pimp, then it’s perfectly legal. I’d bet that not many sex workers have the means to do this.

If a sex worker is soliciting on a public street and a man responds they are both subject to being arrested. And if a man solicits sex from a woman who subsequently proves to have been trafficked, he is subject to being charged with trafficking himself, even if he has no means of knowing whether the woman has actually been trafficked - it’s implied. It makes no sense.

Arrested for soliciting, magistrate’s court, fine - need to go back on the streets to earn the money to pay the fine.

Is bought intimacy a solution though? A sex worker cannot provide an actual relationship etc, she or he has to stay detached to do the job.

Exactly this.

The OP has already told her friend.

If people are being trafficked this should be taken into account. I know there are serious flaws with magistrates etc but I don't thunk legalising soliciting itself is the solution.

If a sex worker is operating on private premises of her own that are not classed as a brothel and is not controlled by a pimp, then it’s perfectly legal. I’d bet that not many sex workers have the means to do this.

• That's the point though...women who sell sex driven by financial need should have other options apart from selling sex. Thus must change.

I agree re the brothel issues partly - I think the Nordic Model has a flaw in criminalising people who work together under pimping laws. It's tricky as brothels and pimping are often very exploitative but so is working alone.

But OP wouldn't have starved if she'd stopped enabling men cheat on their wives. She was at uni, she did it to fund second degree/travel etc, that doesn't sound like someone doing it to avoid starving.

Most disabled people I work with have no expectation of a relationship. It’s horrible but that’s the way it is. For most it’s not about the sex itself, it’s about closeness and intimacy because they’ve never experienced it before. Most contact is medical or care needs. Sex workers do have to stay detached to do the job but the survey suggested that there was a level of involvement on their part that went beyond the practicalities and actually went into targeted services encompassing extra care and compassion for these clients. It blows out of the water the notion that this is all about business and these things are just transactions. I’m trying to link to the survey now - it’s an eye opener.

Under UK law, people who are trafficked or controlled for sexual exploitation are recognised as victims of modern slavery, even if they appear to be breaking prostitution-related laws.If a woman is coerced or exploited, criminal liability should not fall on her. Police and courts are expected to apply a “non-punishment principle” where offences were committed as a direct result of trafficking - Modern Slavery Act 2015. I’m not sure how this is relevant to the thread, though.

Whatever her motives it got her where she wanted to be. And in my view she’s not enabling men to cheat on their wives. It’s a business transaction. The motivation on the part of her clients is not her responsibility.

That's so sad....I don't doubt that many sex workers do provide tenderness/affection, just that it ultimately has to remain on a professional level.

I assume people buying sex are mainly disabled men. Where do disabled women fit in?

Are you likely to ever meet him with your friend? I mean if it was an old boss wouldn't you say oh I know him he was my boss 3 years ago. Unless there is some sort of confidentiality clause I dont see why you can't tell her. I wouldn't do it in a nasty way against the guy or to make her feel awkward I wouldn't even go into the details just say u recognise him as an ex client I think its best to be honest as there will obviously be a weird atmosphere if use meet. If they are genuine she can sit and chat to him about his past as we all do in new relationships

Yes, but she wasn't doing it for fear of starving, no need to exaggerate.

Enabling men to cheat on their wives to 'get where you want to be' is deeply selfish.

Yes, businesses have a responsibility to act ethically and setting up one that enables this kind of unethical behaviour (cheating) very often is a conscious moral choice. Very dangerous to say businesses should just think of profit not ethics - cut-throat capitalism.

I suppose this depends on whether the man was single when he used escorts.
Your husband cheated, this man may not have. That's a big difference