To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

If you're open about your ex occupation as an escort then I would tell your friend this man used to be your client.

Up to her how she deals with the info but if my friend was marrying someone I've slept with a few times I would tell her before she finds out.

He paid you, he was not with your friend. I so wish NDAs was across the board with your lot.

You had no shame with taking money for his services which means you saw nothing wrong with him coming to you so why is it necessary to tell your friend if you do not judge his actions ?

This is about the friendship not about the relationship. Does she say nothing to her friend (irrespective of how infrequent their meet ups)
If I were in a relationship and found out that partner had been entertained by my friend I would want to know. The not telling me would be hard on both the friendship and relationship

I do t think you are unreasonable to be considering this but do wonder which of you should tell her. He obviously needs to know about you for him to be able to decide either way

I think 90% men who used services is for sex,, I personally don’t have an issue with it but him and your friend weren’t together then and telling her could jeapodise your friend ship

I think she’d want to know tbh

I think it’s the choice of the OP how she made the money and we shouldn’t be judgemental,, women ( and men) do it for all different reasons

As long as he isn’t still doing it now (mainly for STI reasons) then it isn’t any of his new partners business and definitely not your choice to make if he tells her or not.

That’s not really a nice comment, the woman is asking for advice not moral judgement

At the moment we have a contradiction in the law. It’s not illegal to sell sex but it’s illegal to buy it

Not true. Apart from Northern Ireland where it's illegal to buy, but not sell sex ,in the rest of the UK it's legal to sell and buy. What's not legal is pimping and brothel keeping.

So far as your airy dismissal of what happened in Germany, well it's all legal there yet the descriptions of mega brothels or "drive through" brothels would turn the stomach of anyone who wasn't a determined punters' rights proponent. And of course women are being trafficked into these legal brothels.

The punters will always want to buy sex - in the main they are ignorant of the implications or just don’t care

Then penalise them and shame them. Being a punter should be as despicable as being a drunk driver. Fine them heavily , bar anyone with a punter conviction from working in any regulated profession like law, medicine, teaching. It's revolting that your answer is to make paid rape easier.

Potentially because her friend has a right to know, and men being men won’t volunteer this information. It’s not a question of judgement. It’s knowing that this man has a side to him that her friend knows nothing about and holding the friendship above any perceived commitment to her client. And why NDA’s ? That would withhold information which could possibly indicate that a man was violent or abusive. Do you feel the same way about Clares’ law ?

"men being men won’t volunteer this information" LOL oh yes because most us women/whatever else other genders always volunteer their past which is not relevant to our current partner.

I stopped to read after your bias comment

NDAs to protect punters. I thought I'd it all from the pro punter lobbyists but that's a new low.

No it isn’t. It’s legal to sell sex on private premises, as long as it’s not a brothel and the sex workers are not controlled by pimps. So a sex worker working from home is fine, but on a public street they can be arrested for soliciting, just as much as a man responding to that solicitation.

The men paid for services. The OP bought her house with her wages. The OP owns her house; the men have no claim on it.

Personally I’d rather know now than find out later down the line.

Great. Scroll on then.

Out of curiosity OP did your friend ask for detail about her BF’s preferences or would it be pretty obvious knowing what services you generally offered? I think she sounds v mature as you’ve said, to have responsed the way she did. That bodes well for your friendship.

It wasn't even sex. It was a dom session

And this was a domination session! It wasn't even intercourse.

And frankly why should it be legal for prostitutes and punters to operate publicly on streets? Why should the rest of the public put up with this?

No she didn’t, but she knows from past conversations with me what 90% of those sessions entailed as my services were limited by then.

Ridiculous. I actually agree with you. Where there is trafficking and other coercion, it’s actually paid rape because it’s coerced and therefore consent is absent. Couldn’t agree more. But the rest of your post is just pure fantasy. The coercive and controlling element of sex work needs to be eliminated so that women like the op who want to engage of their own volition can do so without the stigma which is so prevalent here and perpetuated by yourself.

I’m not suggesting for one second that paid rape is acceptable or should be made easier. I’m proposing the exact opposite in that sex work should be legalised and legitimised and the anomalies removed, so that women like the OP who wish to engage in safe sex for payment in a controlled environment can do so. The moralising here is disgusting.

Honestly. I would want to know. Not because I would have a moral objection to it but because I would want to know if my friend has slept with my man at any point. Can you imagine if this progresses to marriage or kids etc and then one drunken night one of you makes an in discreet comment. Suddenly all the trust would be gone, a secret was held etc. relationship and friendships torn apart. I would literally leave it as: just to let you know, I recognised x from my escorting days. I saw him in a professional capacity x amount of years ago and had no contact since. He was a very pleasant man and I'm sure will be a great boyfriend. I just didn't want any secrecy between us as friends. He may not even remember me and I'm absolutely happy to consider this buried business never to be mentioned again.

Because some women have no fucking choice. Grow up.

Why do you need to tell her?

He could have made mistakes in his past (using escorts for example), and has now found someone he may come to care for, let alone the feelings your friend may have for him.

Even if it does come up, it would be the moral thing to just keep any history as casual (by that I mean "we met a few times but that was all") - no need to go into detail if you care for your friend.

Let them enjoy their new relationship.. life is hard enough without interference.

I agree with the second paragraph, but NDAs are a horrible suggestion.