To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

And this is the crux of the matter isn’t it ? This is one of the nastiest and most judgemental threads I’ve ever seen on MN. And I think most of it is rooted in anything but posters having ‘better’ morals. Personally I think that OP has turned a system primarily meant for the benefit of men on its head and made it work for her. She’s maintained control, has dictated the terms and has put what she’s earned to good use in getting her where she wants to be in life. A means to an end.

Oh the old "jealous and bitter" retort. Do you really believe that? The only reason I want to see punters criminalised is because I'm jealous and bitter? Dream on.

Yes. Criminaling paying to rape.

Well it's not really the same because OP's friend might dump him for being a previous user of prostitutes.
Also, as it was a business relationship, I presume it's normally considered confidential.

I agree that she should tell the truth though because, as others have noted, she would otherwise have to lie that she doesn't know him and she could put herself in a very uncomfortable position.

Sure, but do you think people who disapprove of prostitution do so because they are 'jealous'?

No, you want to see punters criminalised because you think this will eventually stop sex work. Which is delusional. All that will happen is that it will be driven further and further into the shadows and will become more dangerous for all involved. What needs to be addressed is not sex work itself, but those men (and they invariably are men) who are profiting from coercive means such as drug addiction, violence and trafficking. Like it or not, there are many women such as OP who have recognised that there is a legitimate need for these services and who prefer to engage, safely, by choice and on their own terms.

OP would you be willing to tell us some of these footballers you had as clients? if not, I really can't see why you feel the moral ground to tell your friend?

I'm sure some of these potential wives and girlfriends would like to know, or would that fall foul of some professional standards and ND's signed?

I think there’s an element of it yes. OP is clearly successful and has taken a system built for the benefit of men by the scruff of the neck and made it work for her. She’s in control, has agency and as a result is now where she wants to be in life. From some of the comments on the thread I have the impression that posters think the only sex workers who have any ‘worth’ are those who have no control and are either trafficked or controlled in various other ways. OP is the antithesis of this, and I think at the very least it’s making some posters very uncomfortable to think that a woman would willingly engage with the profession to get what she wants. Which is odd, because that’s the reason most men engage with it - to get what they want. Or what they can’t get elsewhere.

No not now, but it's been a part of my life for all off my life so I don't really know any different. I'm recently peri menopausal now so I'm finding some of my clients far more (physically) repulsive than I used to which is making the job difficult

"think at the very least it’s making some posters very uncomfortable to think that a woman would willingly engage with the profession to get what she wants. "

But that's not the same as being jealous! A jealous person would want to do that job themselves and if so they wouldn't want it criminalised/stigmatised.

Seriously ? Can you not see the difference between having a discreet and private word with a friend because you’re concerned that there are things she needs to know before she commits to a relationship, and salacious online gossip just for the sake of it ? Two entirely different things and the mere suggestion says far more about your morals than it does OP’s.

Why on earth would you do that? You were happy enough to be an escort so why are you judging the men who came to use your services? It is none of your business and your friend will not thank you for it. You clearly think escorts and those who use them are fine, so why would you get all up in their business?

Well making it all legal is working out so well in Germany isn't it?

The Private Members Bill unfortunately has just been voted down. Police Sc supported it.

But not everyone is capable of doing that job are they ? If we’re being brutally honest not everyone is attractive enough to do it even if they wanted to - and it sounds as though OP has made a lot of money from it, so I doubt she’s unattractive or a reticent participant.

If you’ve slept with him then yes, just like if he was an ex boyfriend you would mention it as it’s a bit weird.

If you didn’t have sex then no. Who cares

No idea. Not interested in what’s happening in Germany because it has no bearing on what’s happening here. At the moment we have a contradiction in the law. It’s not illegal to sell sex but it’s illegal to buy it. We have a situation where sex workers are controlled by pimps who get them hooked on drugs and make huge profits while the women work themselves to death. We have women being trafficked and put to work - again for the benefit of men. The punters will always want to buy sex - in the main they are ignorant of the implications or just don’t care. So the priority is to rid the profession of the leeches and give women agency over their own futures.

Were the clients generally respectful of you, your boundaries and payments?

I can see the difference; one could ruin her financially, the other not so much.

I have zero issues with her past, more to her power if she made it work for her and wasn't taken advantage of. But she has now potentially wrecked this man's life, or at best his relationship; she has shared personal, sensitive information with her friend because she felt she had a moral duty to her friend.

The thing about morals is that you can't pick which ones you uphold.

I would say it's quite high judging by my own client base. I don't mean to generalise here but I think your only allowed a certain amount of capital to qualify for some disability benefits, so some disabled people seem to have a bit of disposable income to pay for sex workers (if they want to of course)

Sex workers have absolutely no code of conduct about their clientele. They’re not doctors or lawyer, they’re sex workers. And if OP had concerns about her friend starting a relationship with this man, then morally the right thing to do was to speak up. Or do you think she has more of a duty to a paying client from years ago than she does to a current friend ? Just because she’s been a sex worker doesn’t mean she’s devoid of morals, or that she’s incapable of recognising that morally she had a duty to tell her friend so she could make an informed decision.

Agree I work in disability support. I posted upthread about a survey that was taken a few years ago, in which sex workers were asked about the proportion of disabled people using their services. The responses suggested that it was as high as 15-20%.

Many sex workers offered adapted services with extra care taken in respect of mobility and facilitating different limitations. It suggested a high level of empathy among workers who responded that many of their disabled clients had never experienced human touch outside of a clinical or care setting and rather than straightforward ‘wham bam thank you mam’ wanted to explore their sexuality and responses to intimacy with no judgment in an environment that they controlled and which they would not otherwise have the opportunity to experience, because in the main they were treated as though disability meant asexual.

Disability benefits in the main are universal so don’t count savings or other income, and are spent however the claimant judges best meets their needs. There will no doubt be howls of judgement that they are spent in this way, but my own personal feeling is that if it facilitates well being and inclusion, why the hell not.

I think you should tell her, imo it says a kot about a man if he buys sex.

I'm struggling to see understand what your issue is 'morally.'

Definitely tell your friend because if she finds out somehow that will be the friendship between you both potentially over due to her feeling there was secrecy involved and disloyalty from you both if he came to realise you are her friend and he remembered you and potentially kept quite but started acting weird. No you must definitely be upfront, open and honest with your friend. Afterall she is aware of your past. So that aspect of it wouldn't shock her.

What the fuck? 🤣

Some of these replies are mental.

If you take the financial part out. If I was seeing a guy and my friend had dated him a few times and done some ‘stuff’ I’d want to know! It’s relevant info! You’re all just clutching your pearls because you don’t agree with OP’s former job. If it was someone she was seeing there would be no issue!