To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

Your point being what? Being able to hire another human being to wank in or over is a luxury?

No it doesn't, but I could say the same to you.

She said she did it to earn more money whilst at university to allow her to go travelling.

It's legal in GB so I assume that consent happens as long as the client obeys the worker's instructions and boundaries, pays the workers fully and promptly. It's about 2 consenting adults.

By extension should the adult film industry be entirely banned?

Woujd you even expect it of every women?

at 50 there are a few men in the past who I had brief relations with after meeting in a club in my 30s. I’d have zero clue if I passed them in the street (even if it was within say 5 years of the event)

Did it make you feel better?

There are caveats to that though. If a man is caught engaging with a sex worker who ultimately is proven to have been trafficked, he can be charged with trafficking himself. In cases where sex workers are trafficked or otherwise coerced, consent is absent.

Interesting point about the adult film industry because if we’re being entirely accurate here, many of those taking part in the production of these films have been trafficked in the same way as for sex work.

I don’t think it was ever intended to make OP feel better. She was concerned that her friend should have all the facts before getting further into the relationship, and very many of the posters here were advocating that telling her friend was the right thing to do.

Yep, agree. The comment was made purely with the intention of delivering what the poster thought was a clever insult.

I feel happy my friend has the knowledge, and it avoids her finding out many months or years down the line where it would no doubt be more hurtful. So yes, I am glad I told her, and she had a mature and measured reaction.

Nope. Both feet firmly in the real world, with all its flaws. Sex work has been with us for centuries, probably will be for centuries more. OP taking part of her own free will won’t change that, and if she’s used it to her advantage good luck to her. Why should men have all the advantages ? Why shouldn’t a woman turn the tables and get something out of it for herself ?

FWIW OP I think you did the right thing. If your friend knows what your former profession was then hopefully she fully understands why you felt obliged to tell her.

I think OP fulfils all of Mary Wollstonecraft’s descriptors. Rational in making the decision to turn to make things work to her own advantage, self reliant, and with agency over her future.

I remember this too, I believe there was even a programme made about it. They interviewed the disabled men (who spent a long time agonising over the decision and explaining why they were doing it) and their care workers who helped them to access a safe escourt, as well as the sex worker/s involved. Those who think that all sex workers and service users are awful people should watch it.

She also said it allowed her to buy her own home and to fund the further studies she needed to further the career she has now. So not all fun fun fun.

I think you found the best way forward, OP.

I know someone who works as a dominatrix, and I'd find it a bit off if she didn't mention something like this to me about a new partner of mine. But I can see that it's a difficult one.

A lot of the posts on here are using "logical" arguments (of various kinds!), but I'm just going by gut reaction really. I would feel like she'd kept something important from me if she didn't tell me. I would feel worse towards her. That's it really.

No, absolutely don't tell her. How is he going to react when he see's you though I wonder? I actually used to do the same and my friend is married to this man now, I have never discussed it and neither has he, there's zero attraction there between us, feels like a very removed different life

Guess again. I work in the area of disability support and remember seeing the results of a survey a few years ago. Sex workers were asked what percentage of their clients were disabled. The answers suggested around 15-20% of their clients had disabilities. It was also clear from the survey that disabled men often have diverse needs, and some sex workers specialise in and are open to working with them, providing help with mobility or adapting services to accommodate physical limitations.

The workers reported that disabled men utilise their services for a variety of reasons, including sexual frustration, loneliness, and the need for a safe, non-judgmental environment to explore intimacy and sexual needs, in ways that would not normally be available to them. The sad part is that the survey also reflected the fact that disabled people are often treated as though they are asexual, having never experienced human touch outside that of a medical or care environment.

Eeew no of course you don't tell her. This was before they got together and if he's pathetic enough to pay for the company of a woman, that woman should at least be discreet and not out him no matter who he's now diddling

I personally would rather know if my new partner had engage with sex workers (not trying to shame or judge) just because it’s more risky behaviour & high chances of STIs etc

It’s quite simple - if you are her friend you tell her. I don’t know your friends views on things but personally for me money doesn’t buy actual consent so for me is tantamount to rape. You won’t be the first or last woman he’s paid for sex with and the majority of those women are sexually abused as children, trafficked or drug dependant. Any man who pays for sex sees women as a means to an end and does not see their humanity just as a receptacle for their cum!

He has a past. It's not your place to reveal it. It sounds like you want to ruin your friends relationship. Do you not like her or something? You sound pretty spiteful

It's not legal in Northern Ireland to buy sex and there is avPrivate Members Bill going through Holyrood which if passed would make it illegal in Scotland. I hope the Scottish Bill passes.

No, don’t say anything.

You both agreed a financial and business transaction. You’re no longer working as an escort, and he probably wouldn’t use one now.

Leave it be. 🤷‍♀️

I think the main thing when paying for a sex worker is to make sure they are okay with it, follow their rules and boundaries and generally respect them.