To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

I don't think being a prostitute comes with any professional ethics. These posts comparing it to regulated professions like law and medicine are risible.

Most women who sell it aren't happy hookers but OP doesn't seem to have been trafficked or forced financially from any of her posts. Someone doesn't have to be a man to point out that a few women do choose, that's unhelpful to assert that.

I think it stinks to not tell your friend, but I also think it stinks to betray the trust of a past client. So no win either way.

First rule of Feminism = men are responsible for what women do.

The menz done made them internally misogynate.

Some women, a minority, choose to engage in this industry which harms women (and the men who sell sex) for their own ends. It's patronising and unhelpful to assume they must all have been victims.

We can never attain true feminism until we address women's role in upholding practices that harm women. People like Mary Wollstonecraft wanted women to be seen as 'rational creatures' not 'perpetual children unable to stand alone.'

You can judge the punters AND the happy hooker minority.

Excellent post. Nuance is crucial.

Oh I judge the men but women peddling the "happy hooker" narrative and coming out with claptrap that it's just insecurity preventing other women doing what the OP don't escape judgement.

Are you AI?

This seems a bit mealy-mouthed to me, though I get your point.

Yes, these women are a minority but they can be really aggressive and harmful. The so-called -Honest Courtesan' blogger, Maggie mcNeill is a prime example : any woman who doesn't want to sell sex is a repressed prude in her view. If you read between the lines of her blog it seems she's mainly a pimp (or 'madam') and occasionally takes clients she likes.

I suspect this is the case for many 'happy hookers' : they promote 'sex work' because they are mainly pimps actually, or do something non-contact like stripping or Domming (sometimes) like OP.

I don't fully agree but I see what you mean in the case of happy hookers.

What did you do, then?

I agree if money is needed to stay alive, or to get out of a really hard situation. I don't think thus is the case for people like OP, though.

Not much. It's like the old-fashioned distinction between courtesans & prostitutes in various countries : courtesans were seen as superior due to being artistically trained often & providing companionship but they also sold sex to 'patrons/protectors' etc

So he used an escorted service, but why? Was he lonely or two timing?

If lonely it's his issue if two timing you might want to tell her.

Is escorts weren't needed that wouldn't be the oldest profession going would it?

Yes, if buying sex is wrong then choosing to sell sex when you have other options is also wrong, you're perpetuating the industry.

The biggest think that struck me is that you didn’t even recognise a man you’d previously slept with 😵

very true words

Would depend how good friend she is.

super close friend yes I would say I recognized him.
otherwise no

On the basis that I would want to know and would drop him like a hot brick, I'd definitely tell her.

But OP was referring to morally doing the right thing by telling her friend. Not whether it was morally right to be an escort. The two things are wildly different.
Seems OP's friend wasn't as judgemental as people on here in terms of the actual job itself. At the same time, would she maybe want to know if, whilst in that line of work, OP had crossed paths with a man she's now dating. Absolutely. It's about nuance.

OP - For what it's worth, I think you should tell your friend you know him and how. Because it's the honest thing to do. And let the chips fall where they may.

Can’t believe these replies 🙄. Why would you not tell her if she’s a close friend? I would feel betrayed if you were mine and didn’t tell me. Also men who pay for sex are weird.

If someone wants to be a sex worker, that's their choice. The reason I object to men using sex workers is that in many, or I believe even most cases, sex workers are highly vulnerable people who are being exploited by the industry, so they are trafficked, have addictions etc. So it is exploitative to use them. But there is nothing immoral about being a sex worker.

I would want to know

Exactly… If I knew my friend knew something like this, about a man I wanted a serious relationship with, I’d want to know and I’d be quite confused that she didn’t tell me. I wouldn’t want to date a man who pays for sex - it’s always a risk within a relationship that he’d do it, and not see it as cheating etc. seeing sex as transactions and so on.

What would happen with the friend if the new man and her have relationship problems? Would he tap out and go use a sex worker? What if she has kids and is postpartum, use a sex worker? etc.

The desperation dripping from the men in the comments worried they might be the ones about to be revealed.

It’s interesting though - most women would absolutely want to know. If it wasn’t a big deal, men wouldn’t be bothered about their new partner knowing that they’ve used sex workers - but this dilemma does seem to reveal how upset and angry they are about anyone finding out.

So one the one hand - it’s not an issue to be a punter and if a woman is selling sex, it’s fine to buy. On the other hand, there’s incandescent rage from the same men about being found out. Why? Because they DO know it’s either a) it’s an industry that exploits women and bypasses consent or b) a huge dealbreaker for most women.

Just a reminder for those at the back - there is no expected or agreed confidentiality agreement in place for prostitution. There is no reason the OP to prioritise a random man over her friend.