Page 25 | To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

Frienddilem · 2026-02-19T14:11:23+00:00

Name changed for obvious reasons. I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped. One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it. However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago. He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it. Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’. YABU - not my place to say anything YANBU - definitely tell her

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:01

Needthesunnow · 19/02/2026 22:11

I don’t think your friend is going to thank you for this. Either way your friendship is going to be affected . I would keep schtum. I’m not sure your motives are pure here- are you jealous of your friend? Are you secretly quite glad to get some revenge on one of your ex clients?

Oh and confidence has nothing to do with my not ever wanting to sell my body for sex.

Exactly.

I've seen this attitude from other sex worlers' writings sometimes, a sort of reverse slut-shaming where not wanting to sell sex means you're repressed or prudish. Horrible.

Would these women say men who don't want to sell sex are repressed? Obvious double standard imo.

Youremylobster86 · 20/02/2026 00:04

Isadora2007 · 19/02/2026 20:07

Tbh think I’d say “hi Jen- this is awkward but I thought I recognised John from your photos but wasn’t sure. I have now remembered that he was actually a client of mine a few years back. Nice guy, I have no issue with him at all but I wanted you to know this in case we meet up and he recognises me.”

This is good!

I think you need to tell her, if it comes out later down the line it would be 100x worse. I would definitely want to know if it were my friend.

PhaedraWas · 20/02/2026 00:05

Carla786 · 19/02/2026 20:10

Many women? No, I don't think most women would happily sell sex 'if we had the confidence'...

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Yes. It wasn't lack of confidence that meant I never considered prostitution as a "career"

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:06

Lavender14 · 19/02/2026 21:58

I reported you because you breached the mn site guidelines under personally attacking posters you disagreed with and using offensive terms such as slapper. If you think the issue was just a difference in opinion then that's a you problem as this has already been explained to you.

"They have a choice in job, so by agreeing said job is consent…" the majority of sex workers at least in the UK are influenced by coercion at best trafficking at worst. So saying its simply a "career choice" minimises the trauma sex workers often experience. Many, many sex workers have been sexually abused prior to becoming sex workers. Not all sex workers get to keep all or even most of their wages. Female sex workers are also in especially vulnerable positions doing this work and are often impacted by male violence. This is why it is not illegal to be a sex worker but it is illegal to pay for sexual services from a sex worker so that sex workers can come forward when they are hurt/exploited. Of course this is then under reported via official channels because we know most sex workers are also impacted by criminal and sexual exploitation. Many are women who have been trafficked. Including women originally born in the UK.

So if you're informed on this why are you peddling this nonsense idea of the "happy" sex worker?

The reason why this matters is because your views, your use of language throughout this thread and the blaming women for being involved in an industry overwhelmingly driven and made harmful by men is misogynistic in nature. And if you are raising a teen then you as a parent have a responsibility to ensure you're working actively to help end violence of women and girls and create a world that your female child can be safer in, or that your male child can keep others safer in. It's not enough to just keep them fed and watered. If you think it's OK for some women to be abused and exploited and you perpetuate the notion that they must have been just as bad you are victim blaming. If your dd (God forbid) is ever the victim of a sexual assault (1in 3 women in the UK are in their lifetime) then this attitude makes it harder to report. It makes it harder for women to get justice. So if you think it only is about sex workers, you're not thinking big enough. So go and educate yourself on this because there is loads of great information online and lots of charities and community providers working to address these social issues.

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Re this : I strongly agree with your summary of why most women are in the sex trade.

However it's not actually accurate that it's illegal to pay for sex in the UK. It's only illegal if the person has a pimp/is in a brothel or us otherwise forced or threatened into it. Arguably it should be stricter.

Quoting the Met :

https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/sw/sex-worker-safety/

Crikeyalmighty · 20/02/2026 00:07

@Isadora2007 that’s exactly what I would say -

MCF86 · 20/02/2026 00:08

I'm really torn on this one. She is your friend, and I would want to know in her shoes because if it came out later, I would feel incredibly uncomfortable about it. The fact you had shared those moments with each other, however transactional, just wouldn't be something I could forget about.

Yet, seeing as it doesn't seem like he took advantage of you in anyway and you were fully in control of your situation, I don't think you are really in a position morally to "out" him for his kinks before he is willing to discuss them. I assume your service did include discretion!
It is entirely possible he didn't pay for sex, just exploring and indulging a fantasy he had, and may not even have continued with. I know I experimented with things I no longer have any interest in!

A completely unhelpful reply to your quandry but I do find it an interesting dilemma!

PhaedraWas · 20/02/2026 00:11

However it's not actually accurate that it's illegal to pay for sex in the UK

It is in Northern Ireland and there is a possibility that it will become illegal in Scotland. Ash Regan (ex SNP, now Alba) has brought a private members Bill to bring in the Nordic Model. SNP will vote against it, as will Greens and Lib Dem. Conservative and Labour support. SNP uses whip votes on almost everything but there will be some rebels.

Bones101 · 20/02/2026 00:12

I'd look to it as a good thing as you'd want to know this in a relationship about his past then she can see if he lied/didn't tell her

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:20

Lavender14 · 19/02/2026 20:39

Then men should not use women as commodities - account where its due. If you look at womens bodies as not being commodities, and that sex cannot be fully consensual if its paying one person's bills then you very clearly have a victim and an oppressor scenario. And what you are doing here is blaming the victim and making a woman accountable for men's harm. And that IS misogynistic.

Op created opportunities for herself that you are minimising as if it was just for a holiday because that suits YOUR narrative around sex work. She also created qualifications and sustainable employment for herself that meant she didn't have to do sex work long term. Op did not "hold women back" the men who chose to use and abuse womens bodies and who don't care about consent and who created this market and who drive that market are to blame.

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I'm a bit wary of this kind of argument. I can see what you mean, but otoh..

Op said : 'I travelled the world when young, own my house and have funded further studies for my current career. So it has been life changing in many ways.'

the way you say 'she created qualifications and sustainable employment for herself that meant she didn't have to do sex work long term' makes it sound like she had no option but to sell sex. Imo this is a dangerous narrative, especially when universities now have been caught promoting sugar baby type stuff to freshers.

The way OP tells it (I could be wrong) she was already at uni when she started selling sex, she wasn't only reliant on that for uni.

Plenty of women and men manage to work, study, travel etc without selling sex. I agree that OP was able to achieve things via the money which might have been much more difficult otherwise, but otoh she did have a choice. Selling sex was surely not the only path to work & study success & the ability to travel?

Imo, if OP was not reliant on sex work to fund her degree or for staying alive then she DID have a choice.

She chose to participate in the sex industry. I don't think taking the agency away of women who do choose to is helpful for feminism. Women uphold patriarchy too.

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:21

PhaedraWas · 20/02/2026 00:11

However it's not actually accurate that it's illegal to pay for sex in the UK

It is in Northern Ireland and there is a possibility that it will become illegal in Scotland. Ash Regan (ex SNP, now Alba) has brought a private members Bill to bring in the Nordic Model. SNP will vote against it, as will Greens and Lib Dem. Conservative and Labour support. SNP uses whip votes on almost everything but there will be some rebels.

SNP opposing feminism again 🙄 I hope it passes, thanks for the info.

canisquaeso · 20/02/2026 00:22

PithyViewer · 19/02/2026 22:17

Yes, but your employer isn't purchasing your sexual consent, is he/she? At least, I hope not.

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No, but OP has given no indication that she was working against her will.

While we all know the majority of women in sex work are likely doing so under coercion, not all are, certainly not in places like the UK where there’s many other options to turn to besides sex work (again, I’m excluding trafficking and coercion from this). People just don’t seem to want to admit that some women want the easy, quick money that comes with it.

And if you’re doing it of your own free will, surely consent doesn’t just magically vanish because you’re getting paid.

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:28

AnotherHormonalWoman · 19/02/2026 19:30

Behold, A Man Has Entered The Chat To Share His Infinite Wisdom With The Silly Little Women.

You don't think the people who sell sex have a different motivation than the people who buy it?

As a starter for ten, one wants sex. The other wants to receive money.

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As I said upthread, the few happy hookers appear to be educated women who have other options & don't rely on it as a main source of money.

These women tend to have high sociosexuality and enjoyment of various kinds of sex and pick the clients and so probably are more likely to enjoy the sex.

I agree strongly that this does NOT describe most women who sell sex though.

GaIadriel · 20/02/2026 00:28

Presumably you'd inform any love interest of your own that you used to be a prostitute?

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:28

canisquaeso · 20/02/2026 00:22

No, but OP has given no indication that she was working against her will.

While we all know the majority of women in sex work are likely doing so under coercion, not all are, certainly not in places like the UK where there’s many other options to turn to besides sex work (again, I’m excluding trafficking and coercion from this). People just don’t seem to want to admit that some women want the easy, quick money that comes with it.

And if you’re doing it of your own free will, surely consent doesn’t just magically vanish because you’re getting paid.

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I agree.

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:28

GaIadriel · 20/02/2026 00:28

Presumably you'd inform any love interest of your own that you used to be a prostitute?

She's said she does.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 20/02/2026 00:30

GaIadriel · 20/02/2026 00:28

Presumably you'd inform any love interest of your own that you used to be a prostitute?

She’s already answered this in the affirmative,

GaIadriel · 20/02/2026 00:32

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:28

She's said she does.

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Not sure I believe it tbh.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 20/02/2026 00:36

OP knows her friend long enough, and has shared stories in the past - enough to know she’d be at the very least squeamish. I think careful sensitive honesty is the way to go. It was a few years ago, looks like someone from your past, and with kindness and love, it’s best she learnt from you.

PhaedraWas · 20/02/2026 00:36

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:20

I'm a bit wary of this kind of argument. I can see what you mean, but otoh..

Op said : 'I travelled the world when young, own my house and have funded further studies for my current career. So it has been life changing in many ways.'

the way you say 'she created qualifications and sustainable employment for herself that meant she didn't have to do sex work long term' makes it sound like she had no option but to sell sex. Imo this is a dangerous narrative, especially when universities now have been caught promoting sugar baby type stuff to freshers.

The way OP tells it (I could be wrong) she was already at uni when she started selling sex, she wasn't only reliant on that for uni.

Plenty of women and men manage to work, study, travel etc without selling sex. I agree that OP was able to achieve things via the money which might have been much more difficult otherwise, but otoh she did have a choice. Selling sex was surely not the only path to work & study success & the ability to travel?

Imo, if OP was not reliant on sex work to fund her degree or for staying alive then she DID have a choice.

She chose to participate in the sex industry. I don't think taking the agency away of women who do choose to is helpful for feminism. Women uphold patriarchy too.

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If the OP's story is true she is contributing to upholding the patriarchy.

MyCrushWithEyeliner · 20/02/2026 00:42

If you tell her and she asks for details will you feel able to go into detail?

If I was her I’d definitely want to know, it’d put me off a man.

THEDEACON · 20/02/2026 00:50

Hypocrite

stillchasingdereksheppard · 20/02/2026 00:51

Quite shocked by the comments. If I was the friend I would want to know.

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:55

PhaedraWas · 20/02/2026 00:36

If the OP's story is true she is contributing to upholding the patriarchy.

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Exactly.

Carla786 · 20/02/2026 00:57

dadtoateen · 19/02/2026 19:35

Yeah true but other ways to pay for life..

funnily enough I don’t know of one person that has sold there body to get them through college etc….

everyone has sexual desire, so we will always have 🤷‍♂️

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Nasty post but the point about college is true.

GarlicBound · 20/02/2026 01:02

Dery · 19/02/2026 21:45

“from a professional standpoint, feel like clients should get some sort of privacy and expectation of non-disclosure. That's tough when work intersects with real life though. In my different profession, I know I couldn't disclose to a friend or anyone if someone had been a past client of mine at all. If they wanted to share, that's up to them, but I couldn't say a thing and would have to pretend I didn't know them previously. It's even written into law in my area.”

This with bells on. @Frienddilem - i don’t think you should tell her. He saw you professionally for a very private service. You owe him a duty of confidentiality.

I’m a lawyer and we don’t tell people who our clients are. My husband (also lawyer) didn’t tell me when he acted for my sister on a transaction. Nor should he have done. I’m advising a friend’s husband on a commercial dispute. I won’t be telling her.

Edited

Try as I might, I can't view dripping hot wax onto a man's nipples and wrapping elastic bands round his testicles as professionally equivalent to law or medicine.

It raises a couple of potentially similar questions, though, taking into account the relevance of this service to the friend's romantic choices:-

If you were treating a man for active syphilis, or had been involved in a domestic violence case against him (and thought he was guilty) - would you want to tell a friend who was dating him? I realise strict professional obligations apply here, unlike sex work. But as a friend, would you feel you wanted to warn her somehow?