To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

I didn't say anything about not replying to you. I said I couldn't be bothered to explain in full why your post was so nasty. It's now been deleted so you can ask MNHQ if you're still puzzled.

What’s your reasoning?

because men may have a different opinion?

Yet your bothering to still reply..

Not puzzled or that bothered really. It’s the internet.

opinions are like arseholes, we all have one ☺️

have a super duper evening

It's like an absolute masterclass in how to be completely un-self aware. You can see how he thinks he comes across...

I know she didn't just sleep with him, but the friend already knows op was a sex worker and the timeline. If she wants to know beyond that she will ask, if she wants to bury her head in the sand then that gives her the chance to do that too.

The friend is about to hear something very upsetting against her will, she needs to have some sort of choice here, and this way gives her a chance to find out more if she wants, or not if she doesn't.

I agree. It could cause problems later on if he wants to do it and she doesn’t

Well, they do say that a sadist is someone who won't hit a masochist.

Because you are obnoxious, derailing and thoroughly unpleasant. Not all men but definitely you.

I know! This egotistical comment and some of her others are the kind of thing Bonnie blue would come out with. Totally soulless.

That’s on them though - and if they didn’t see me, they’d just see someone else.

• seems quite an apathetic attitude. Same reasoning people who steal from a shop or use climate-polluting things use : if I didn't enable people to cheat, someone else would.

That poster's reply was horrible.

in OP's case though we don't know if she had no choice financially. I thought earlier she implied that she did. And some women who sell sex do- although NOT most.

🤣

Yes. That's why imo most porn is unethical. Some are OK with some stuff but feel pushed to do more due to money, blacklisting etc issues.

Avoid at all cost. He's a masochist.
Next he'll be cross-dressing and later declaring to anyone who listens that he feels like a woman...

Your friend’s relationship sounds like it is going well so far. Why not let her see how this relationship goes without putting shade on it. Since it was a service a few years back, you didn’t really know him deeply or anything.

If you end up meeting in person one day he may also be quite embarrassed to see it’s you, so maybe in this case you both keep quiet.

That exhibits a stunning level of ignorance about fetish.

Not really sure you can win here, OP. If you tell your friend, she might not react well (or she might be grateful). If you don't tell her and it comes out later, it might end the friendship too. On the other hand, she said she might do it if she had the confidence. If so, she's not one to judge him.

I'm completely against this sort of thing as a profession but, from a professional standpoint, feel like clients should get some sort of privacy and expectation of non-disclosure. That's tough when work intersects with real life though. In my different profession, I know I couldn't disclose to a friend or anyone if someone had been a past client of mine at all. If they wanted to share, that's up to them, but I couldn't say a thing and would have to pretend I didn't know them previously. It's even written into law in my area.

“from a professional standpoint, feel like clients should get some sort of privacy and expectation of non-disclosure. That's tough when work intersects with real life though. In my different profession, I know I couldn't disclose to a friend or anyone if someone had been a past client of mine at all. If they wanted to share, that's up to them, but I couldn't say a thing and would have to pretend I didn't know them previously. It's even written into law in my area.”

This with bells on. @Frienddilem - i don’t think you should tell her. He saw you professionally for a very private service. You owe him a duty of confidentiality.

I’m a lawyer and we don’t tell people who our clients are. My husband (also lawyer) didn’t tell me when he acted for my sister on a transaction. Nor should he have done. I’m advising a friend’s husband on a commercial dispute. I won’t be telling her.

I have been thinking this over for a while and came on to write"I don't think you should say anything" ... and these posts express exactly my thoughts and why you shouldn't OP!

Do they? I’ve not heard that . Too much thinking it through for my brain!

When you say escort, you mean prostitute, ie someone paid for sex, so if I were your friend I would want to know this about the man I was dating.

You can’t really provide a service and then disclose something so confidential. It’s tough but who knows . You aren’t an escort anymore. Perhaps he has moved on from that too.

Prostituted women are not professionals

and owe no ‘clients’ confidentiality - that’s ludicrous that women who had to sell their bodies to live are held to a standard to keep a rent-a-vagina MAN’S Secrets !

I sense you really want to tell her, no matter what anyone says about confidentiality. Maybe it was a really lonely unhappy period of his life?. Personally I would keep my nose out

I reported you because you breached the mn site guidelines under personally attacking posters you disagreed with and using offensive terms such as slapper. If you think the issue was just a difference in opinion then that's a you problem as this has already been explained to you.

"They have a choice in job, so by agreeing said job is consent…" the majority of sex workers at least in the UK are influenced by coercion at best trafficking at worst. So saying its simply a "career choice" minimises the trauma sex workers often experience. Many, many sex workers have been sexually abused prior to becoming sex workers. Not all sex workers get to keep all or even most of their wages. Female sex workers are also in especially vulnerable positions doing this work and are often impacted by male violence. This is why it is not illegal to be a sex worker but it is illegal to pay for sexual services from a sex worker so that sex workers can come forward when they are hurt/exploited. Of course this is then under reported via official channels because we know most sex workers are also impacted by criminal and sexual exploitation. Many are women who have been trafficked. Including women originally born in the UK.

So if you're informed on this why are you peddling this nonsense idea of the "happy" sex worker?

The reason why this matters is because your views, your use of language throughout this thread and the blaming women for being involved in an industry overwhelmingly driven and made harmful by men is misogynistic in nature. And if you are raising a teen then you as a parent have a responsibility to ensure you're working actively to help end violence of women and girls and create a world that your female child can be safer in, or that your male child can keep others safer in. It's not enough to just keep them fed and watered. If you think it's OK for some women to be abused and exploited and you perpetuate the notion that they must have been just as bad you are victim blaming. If your dd (God forbid) is ever the victim of a sexual assault (1in 3 women in the UK are in their lifetime) then this attitude makes it harder to report. It makes it harder for women to get justice. So if you think it only is about sex workers, you're not thinking big enough. So go and educate yourself on this because there is loads of great information online and lots of charities and community providers working to address these social issues.