To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

People don't always sell sex from financial need. Most do, but a minority choose to do so & don't need the money, & I do judge those ones

There's some really judgy comments on this post!

If it comes to a point where you would meet him, how do you think he'd react? If there's a chance that he'd react like he knew you and she figured out how, how do you think she'd react? Would she be more annoyed at him for never having said he'd used an escort, or would she be more annoyed at you for not telling her?

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be, so I think you should tell her.

"I was looking at the photo of X you sent me. He looks really like an old client of mine, though I'm not certain - I thought I should mention it though as if it is him, it might be a bit awkward as and when I meet him". That way you're not setting it up as a "do you want to stay with him?".

I would want to know.

Exactly this. Lots of people also confuse GDPR with general duties of confidentiality.

If I was dating a man who went with Prozzies, I think I'd want to know about it.

Your friend might also want to know how much he paid.

It's (mostly) all the sad sack fellas lurking around like the bad smells they are.

Just read this. If he has a secret fetish for domination, she should know that.

This sounds like one of those situations in the making where a wife, after years of marriage and having kids, suddenly discovers that her husband has a whole other side to him.

Don't let that be her. You're in possession of information that could totally change how she sees this person. She is making the decision to date him and develop an attachment to him without having all the information - so it's not real consent. As far as we know (I bet he hasn't told her that he used to see escorts for domination), she has not been able to give proper consent to be in this relationship.

As long as you're sure it's really him, be a good member of the sisterhood and tell her. She deserves to know before she gets in any deeper.

mistaken identity or similar looking, but then the op did say after more details realised who it was

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who had used escorts so I would want to know. I’m sure most woman giving you a hard time on here would not like it either.

I would tell her.

Sure, but Mosley v News Group Newspapers Ltd [2008] established that sexual activity between consenting adults in private carries a high expectation of privacy. And the Theakston case predates ECHR stuff.
I think it would be extremely difficult to bring a court case, of course, but I suspect each case has particular merits.

You know, I would rather do what's good for her even if I lose her friendship. She absolutely deserves to know.

I did my level best to save my cousin from a domestic-violence marriage. I lost her because of it, but I have no regrets. I wasn't going to be party to his shameful secret, and at least I know I tried to do the right thing by her.

It’s not just that, though, is it. Yes, he paid to sleep with an escort.

The added factor is that he paid to sleep with a woman who is a friend of his gf. So all the time they are together, the friend will know that he’s had sex with the OP..

Are you enjoying half term OP?

personally sex for desire yes, but why if you can choose your clients are some people still against sex for money ?

eg you meet at a bar and both are horny and its free sex
or you know the person wants you and you say ill charge $ ? (even if they would of done sex for free ?

I would want to know in both situations. I want all the info. about the person I'm putting my heart on the line for.

I'm wondering if she knows about his dom fetish because that would be my main concern in telling her. If she knows and is into that herself or if she has no objections to it I might have second thoughts on telling, but if she has no idea and especially if that is something she has no interest in or finds 'distasteful' then I would want her to know that he has or had an 'interest' in it.

It's something that I have absolutely NO interest in and I would not be in a relationship with a man who did. No judgement, it's just not my cup of tea. But I would worry about being pressured to 'just try it'. And I would never agree to him getting those 'jollies' elsewhere (which I have a feeling a lot of men would feel justified in doing).

You absolutely must tell her. If you were my friend and you kept this from me, it'd break me. I could get over the disappointment that the man I liked wasn't who I was hoping he'd be, but I'd be utterly depressed my friend didn't tell me.

Keeping silence treats her like a fool. Respect her enough to tell her the truth.

No, it isn't. The woman in question is a friend of OP's. Totally different from other women her clients may be dating now whom OP doesn't know from Eve.

Yes, I'd absolutely tell her. It would he awful to be introduced to him and both of you have this secret from her and pretend you've never met.

If she keeps seeing him, you might well end up meeting him at some point. It would be wierd (& a bit dishonest) to both pretend you've never met before.

I'd be inclined to tell my friend before you meet him. But maybe wait until I saw her in person rather than doing it over the phone/email/text.

It's up to her how she processes that information. But she didn't stop being your friend because of your escorting/ pro domming work, so presumably wouldn't let this affect your friendship either.

Surely she - like every other woman over the age of 20 - knows that there's a possibility that any man she meets could well have paid prostitutes or dominatrices for services in the past? If she hasn't asked him, then she'll have no idea. If she has asked him, and he's lied to her, then she would be justified in finding that a bit of a red flag.

Why is it "interesting"? OP has never paid to bypass consent. And the friend is not going to be dating or marrying or reproducing with OP, is she? Being OK with a friend doing sex work is a totally different thing from tying yourself for life with a man who's prone to doing so. The stakes are much lower in a friendship, obviously.

Good for you, mate! I wish I'd had the nous to do the same when young.

I wouldn't tell her. You dont see her often enough for it to bother you

Exactly! I can’t believe most PP are advising not to say anything - what if the guy says something, how would you explain it to your friend?

I'm very surprised at the amount of people who are saying don't tell her! The majority of woman I know would definitely want to know this information about their partner and if she found out further down the road and that you kept it from her then I'd imagine your friendship would be over. Good friends look out for eachother. It will be difficult and she may shoot the messenger but better now than later. Good luck OP.