To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

I see many would want to know.
Presumably if he attended an STD clinic you'd want to know.
But would you expect your friend, a nurse at the STD clinic, to tell you?

Many women who verbally attack past or present sex workers under the guise of 'morals' often do so out of insecurity rather than caring about women. While many may not agree with it or find it morally acceptable, the reality is that men can pay for sex anytime they choose if they wish to seek sex workers, with women they might not otherwise have a chance with, without their partners ever knowing. It could be your sweet husband or brother or friend. But in this scenario, at least a woman could find out and end the relationship before discovering the truth years later and losing both the relationship and a friendship. It’s a big ick all round and I think the OP is damned either way and better to do the right thing in that case.

As someone pointed out, this man could turn around and reveal the truth if things go sour, which is soo true.

However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her?

You might not be the best judge of morality.

I’d view it in a similar category to someone you had a one night stand with. Yes I’d tell her because to not tell her is deceitful.

Yes, I agree with this.

I would hope any of my close friends had enough regard for me to tell me, and trust that I could then use that information wisely.

I have got a doppelganger too. I was stopped once by WHOLE family in my local Tesco and they were all convinced that I had moved back from Australia where they had known me and asked about my family, were they still out there? They didn't appear crazy or as though it was some kind of elaborate practical joke but they sure took some convincing!

Yeah someone said to mention they slept together and leave it for the friend to ask more if she wants too I feel that’s the best way to go.

Escorts usually have sex, I thought?

I would want to know if I was her but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who paid for sex. Also if I found out later down the line and you hadn’t told me I would be pretty upset and probably cut you off (as well as dumping the man of course).

She didn't like your clients paying you?

She expected you to work for free??

OP actually I'd want to know if a new partner had paid for sex, as that's a hard dealbreaker for me.
And I would judge a man who pays for sex harshly, but not a female sex worker, as I find purchasing consent pretty morally iffy.

I think escorting usually does entail sex, though

I'd tell her, if only because were he to have a crisis of conscience later down the line and tell her himself, she would be upset that it hadn't come from you.

Not even from the POV of it being sex work, just that I'd want to know if my new boyfriend had had sex (or sex-adjacent experience - I know not everyone sees a dom(me) for something that is straightforwardly described as a sexual experience, but generally speaking that's how most people will see it) with my friend.

If you don't like sex buying, why wouldn't you judge a woman (or man) who made a choice to sell sex, assuming they were comfortably off and had a choice?

Haven't RTFT.

I would be tempted to tell her, because I would want to know if my partner had it in him to pay for sex. I'm a real romantic, and it would show me that we are too different. Not a moral judgement, but just someone who is not like me at all.

If you don't tell her, what happens if they get married and have kids and then, many years down the line, it comes out that he knew, and you knew, and both of you kept it from her? She will feel utterly betrayed, and it WILL come out. These things always do.

Even if wasn't a pay-to-play situation, she deserves to know that her friend and her partner have slept together. Unless you're sure it would never come out. But it will.

Ideally, he would tell her. Can you talk to him, pointing out that it's not sustainable for it never to come out?

Because the one selling it isn't overriding anyone's consent, unlike the purchasor.

You cannot divulge identifying information about clients/customers without their consent. This can result in criminal charges, fines and civil damages. Especially if the 'escort' service was illegal in itself, op is up shit street if he were to report her.

I suppose if you are a prozzie it's an occupational hazard to know more about the milkman, postman, grocer, bus driver, etc than most of us would care to know.

I wouldn't keep up the charade, but would tell your friend her new boyfriend paid to shag you.

I know a bit about this because when we got our HIV module of our infection control and safety taining in the NHS the speaker was a GUM clinic nurse and this question was asked framing it as the patient being the new partner of their next door neighbour. The nurse said that while she was strictly not allowed to breach confidentiality in any way or to mention the situation to the patient on subsequent appointments. BUT she also said that that was because of the constraints of her profession and not what she thought morally. She decined to discuss the morality aspect.

Do you have a source for that? Prostitutes don't owe confidentiality to their clients - and there's hardly a governing body to report to.

Are you confusing it with blackmail?

"The judge said just because a customer and prostitute engaged in sex did not mean they were bound by any law of confidentiality."

https://www.theguardian.com/media/2002/feb/14/privacy.pressandpublishing1

A busy successful escort (she flaunts her financial achievements) is able to ID a particular client from 3 years ago, despite not really noticing when she first saw a photo of him?

The more I think about it, I actually think it makes a difference that it was for domination specifically and that (as you said) you didn't have sex. I'm not sure it's a widely held view but to me that's a distinct thing. I don't know if your friend would agree though, OP!

I would want to know if I was with a man who thought he had the right to purchase a woman's body for his own pleasure. And I wouldn't want to be with him.

So for that reason I would tell her.

It is not at all the same as someone having slept with someone that their friend has now got with.

As your friend knows what you used to do I'd casually mention it to her. Let her decide what to do with info or if she doesn't care. She didn't break off friendship with you so might not with him.

Surely you can find him on FB or something? Ask your friend his full name.