To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

Fucking hell these replies are brutal.

Think about it the other way, if your friend had shagged your man before you met him when would you want to know? Immediately I guess. Imagine them keeping it a secret from you.

Plus he will recognise you at one point, you don't want it to be on their wedding day when he first meets you.

Might be the end of the friendship cos it might be too difficult to see you both together. I would dump him for paying for sex/bdsm stuff cos who knows what else he has done.

They are more openminded than I am. I would not have a romantic relationship with someone who willingly sold/bought a human for sex.

Anyway, better tell her now.

Of course you dont tell her but if she ever finds out ie they finish and he tells her to hurt her thats the end of your friendship

She said she provided dominance services.
That's sexual isn't it?

Maybe she meant she taught him how to dominate in a chess game.

Not the same but kind of similar - I had a work colleague who I realized was the ex girlfriend of my (now) husband. Well before my time. I didn't say anything and she found out another way and she was really upset I hadn't told her. And this is a person I didn't know and didn't owe anything to and I was sad I'd hurt her feelings rather than coming clean.

well I have never known anybody in that line of business to ask....but I don't think inherent discretion without legally documneted backup is worth the paper its (not) printed on.

I think you know exactly what you should do.

Men don't routinely pay for sex. So if he did or even did, I would want to know.

Is an escort the same as a prostitute? No judgement.

I would definitely want to know.

Course it is. They get a happy ending whether the sex worker is wearing pvc or a negligee.

I would want to know.

I think you should tell her.

Apart from anything else, if you don't tell her, and then you all meet up, how awkward would that be? What if they are serious, get married? Are you going to keep it a secret forever?

Or what if he tells her first? That's not going to look good.

Have you never heard of GDPR?

Are you good enough friends that you would be likely to meet him reguarly and go to dinner etc?
I would want to know if one of my friends dated the man I am with. I could then make my own decisions.
The fact that he booked an escort I think ia not relevant here. He will have his own reasons for this.
But I think you could tell her you did date him without mentioning the 'paid' element. Potentially you could mention this if you think you will have to sit over dinner with him.
Maybe see if it turns out to be more than a couple of dates first.

I don't know why you are getting so much hate on this.

I was thinking more along the lines of "In the he past I slept with my friends new bf, should I tell her"

It's a tricky situation and unfortunately, I think you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I am so surprised at these comments! I completely see where you are coming from.

Clearly shows you have morals for your thought process, just because you done something in the past that doesn’t mean you don’t have morals, especially when we don’t know the reason you done what you did!

you do what’s right for you and your friend!

Why would that be relevant?

I would consider it client confidentiality and not mention it. Other than when you meet him maybe say "you look vaguely familiar?"
If she seems happy then leave it at that

I would want to be told. Like many women, I consider men who pay for sex to be misogynists. You may not have been exploited, but so many women involved are and if he paid you, he may have paid others. These men don’t care as they see women as objects. I would immediately dump anyone if I found out they were one of those men.

I would also be gutted and would end the friendship, if a friend knew, and didn’t tell me.

I'm surprised too.

If i was your friend, I would definitely want to know. Even if it is just that they could have an open discussion about it and she can ask the extent of how often he used escort services and assess for herself the risk that this is an ongoing thing.

Why do so many others think the friend should be kept in the dark about this?

And the OP is obviously close enough to this friend for her to have been honest about what she was doing, so close enough that she shouldn't withhold the truth.

If it all come to light in the future, the friend would be hurt by both of them for keeping this from her and could end her friendship with the OP for not telling her

cause I believe that payment essentially invalidates true consent.

That's two people quite.literally forming a contract that both of them agree to.

You don't get much more consensual than that.

Do boxers not consent in the same way?
Should boxing only occur if two people genuinely hate each other enough to fight?

Do you know if you friend has an interest in the same fetishes? If not their relationship is unlikely to last long.

It wasn't even sex. It was a just dom thing. Some people have legal fantasies they can't explore with partners. Very horrible to break confidentiality.

Talk to him.

Find out if he's told her, or is intending to.

He might be keeping quiet to avoid outing you... or telling her and she'll wonder why you haven't.

There are three people in this scenario, not just two

I’d want to know - before getting too invested.

One way to find out what her opinion on knowing/ not knowing is by asking her, saying it’s about a friend, not telling her she’s the friend, until you know what she thinks.

I’m really surprised at these responses. I would definitely want to know early on if the person I was seeing had a past of seeing escorts, and I’d especially want to know if he’d had a sexual past with my friend! He might tell her anyway when you both meet and then it looks like you were hiding the fact you knew him from her.

@Frienddilem , please also be prepared to lose your friend. Women have a way of holding onto men and chopping off any friend that threatens the 'image' of their relationship.