To tell friend her new partner was a former client of mine?

[Frienddilem]

Name changed for obvious reasons.

I previously worked as an escort, something I started during Uni and continued part time until two years ago when I finally stopped.

One of my friends who I live a couple of hours from these days but still message regularly and meet up at least twice a year, has been seeing a new man. She sent me a photo of him in the early days and I thought nothing of it.

However, on further inspection after my friend shared some specific details, I have realised he is someone who met me on a few occasions in my line of work. 3 or so years ago.

He was perfectly pleasant and polite so no concerns in that respect. However, I feel like morally, I owe it to my friend to tell her? But also feel terrible that she is really happy and I would come along and potentially ruin it.

Thoughts welcome please? If it helps, my friend is fully aware about my former ‘job’.

YABU - not my place to say anything
YANBU - definitely tell her

But like morally... Surely you pay for services there inherent discretion involved. Especially for domination stuff and interests people want to keep private.

I guess feminism is only for the "good" women then who toe the line and act in the way we want them to.

It's such nonsense. Sex has been one of the only means of obtaining power and wealth for women for many years. There's a reason why more women than men are in sex work. There's a reason why women in sex work are more often from particular social demographics. The reasons why women go into sex work are often very complex. The reasons why women stay in sex work even more so.

I find it HIGHLY ironic that you'll talk about feminism and furthering the cause of women and girls in a post where you're simultaneously calling out the method a woman used to further herself while saying "poor John" getting dropped in it as a by product of taking sexual advantage of her.

It's internalised misogyny.

I mean whether to tell or not, for her friend's benefit.

Not judging sex workers.

I would say it's very different in that it's not illegal to be a sex worker in the UK but it is illegal to be a John.

Therapy is very, very different.

I'd want to know!
Using sex workers, going to strip clubs etc, total dealbreaker for me, but so is being with someone who has already been intimate with anyone in my friends or family, so your situation would be double deal breaker for me.

Furthering herself while holding women back.

Woman are not commodities. But hey, she got to travel.

I don't agree with everyone saying not to say anything.
I don't think men who pay for these services are owed any sort of client confidentiality. Unless you promised that OP, or had a contract of some sort?

If you'd just dated in a regular way or even just kissed in a club you'd say wouldn't you? Or if you'd worked or been to school together or knew him any other way. Because it would be odd not to.

I would want to know if it were my boyfriend. Your friend could feel hurt and foolish if she finds out - both about what he did and that you two have that shared history and you hid it.

I don't know why some are having a go. There would be no escorts if men didn't see women's bodies as something for them to use.

I absolutely would tell her. I would want to know if someone I was with thought that it was okay to buy sex from women. especially without knowing if they have been trafficked into it or not.

If she finds out another way then I can imagine she'll be very upset that you have both lied by omission.

So it's okay for you to be a prostitute, but you don't want your friend dating someone who paid for sex with you?

Sex work aside, I would absolutely want to know if my friend had slept with someone who I was seeing! Good grief, tell her!!

Morally? You are not the decider on moral judgement. If she’s happy to be your friend then she is probably comfortable with prostitution.

That's not what she said is it 🤦‍♀️

Given I have someone who looks like me to the point I have been told of conversations that I have had in places I have never been

I work in the same building as this woman and once saw her on cctv and even I was questioning my very existence of how I could be in 2 places at the same time.
She even has certain mannerisms that are the same as me

Years ago I got accused by someone’s wife of having an affair with their dh. I had not a clue who these people were. But apparently I had been warned off before. It was only when she studied me carefully that she backed off and realised her mistake

I have also met 2 people on the same day at the place who were like twins (one was with family and they had to do a double take and the other was with friends who thought they were seeing double.

So be very sure before you go any further as doppelgängers do exist and just because some one has said something that confirms in your mind that this person is who they say they are like where they work or somewhere they went.
As above it doesn’t 100% prove they are the same person.

And willingly choosing to let me pay for your body isn’t helping matters. It reinforces the idea that it’s a choice, that women are consenting and that it’s acceptable.

It isn’t. And women choosing to do this, and then being proud of the money they made from it…. Not the sort of people you want in your circle.

She's giving her friend the choice, someone of us don't agree with contributing towards sex trafficking and the friend has already shown it's not something she feels conformable with generally.

I'd want to know my partner was with my friend intimately even without paying for it!

Don't know what's up with people today.

I think morally and implicitly yes there's confidentiality.

Escort? Morals?

Where were your morals when you were selling yourself for the money? Did you ever question who your clients were back then?

If I was the friend, I would feel disgusted that he paid for sex.

It is a choice for lots of women? They don't have a pimp or someone they pay money to, they do it off their own back, keep all their money and enjoy their job?

There are hundreds and thousands of women taken advantage of that is true and there are also hundreds and thousands of women who enjoy what they do snd enjoy making/ keeping money from it

No. I don't think being or using an escort is sleazy. I don't think past behaviour tells you anything about current behaviour. I think a client should expect confidentiality, in the same way that you wouldn't want the past client to go around telling people that OP used to be an escort. It's up to the individual how much they want to reveal about their own past.

And would you feel disgusted that your friend got paid for sex?

If by the UK you mean England, then it is NOT illegal to be a john. Paying for sex is not illegal.
In any case, he didn't pay for sex as the OP says she didn't provide sex.
If anything, a dominant is more likely to face criminal charges -- consent is no defence to assault.

Honestly, yes.

He didn't pay for sex -- he paid for domination.
Not sure if that's better or worse though.

I would feel obligated to tell a friend if I had a sexual history with their new partner that they didn't know about - regardless of what capacity that was in.

I'd probably not tell her you were his escort. I would say he's someone you've possibly had a fling with in the past, or maybe gone on a few casual dates with or something. I'd leave it up to him to tell her the details.