Is my boyfriend making excuses not to buy a house with me?

[LemonBelly]

I own my own house, have done for 4 years now. My boyfriend rents and has a preteen daughter.

We decided this year, after lots of thought and discussion, we want to move in together and want to buy rather than rent. We spend most of the time between each others houses anyway but live an hour apart, we are very much a family without the joint house right now.

We chatted about timings and set loose plans that spring is a good time to sell/buy so the first step for me was to get my house valued, which I did. My boyfriend owns his own business and has done for nearly 3 years, but from what I understand he doesn’t take much of a monthly wage, he only takes what he needs and leaves as much as he can within the business. He was concerned that it would be hard to get a mortgage without proof of income but I did a bit of research and it’s not as black and white as that, they can look at the business income etc.

He said his next steps were to file his tax returns and then meet with his accountant. I waited a couple of weeks since that conversation and then asked him how it all went, he said fine and yes he met with his accountant who said all should be fine for a mortgage. And that was the end of that. I asked him a couple of days later what the next steps are, because I don’t want to put my house on the market too hastily, he said he’s waiting to hear back about his tax stuff and then he will let me know and we can book a meeting in with my mortgage advisor. But gave no timelines and no real commitment. It’s hard to explain but he was very flippant about it.

I decided to communicate to him that I felt like he wasn’t as in to this as I am and that it’s fine if he wants to wait, but he said no he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.

I don’t know why I feel so bothered by it, because he’s saying the right things and is doing things to progress. Maybe it’s my lack of understanding about how it works when you own a business or a bit of insecurity. I don’t know what I’m asking for really, some reassurance that I’m going mad and overthinking

What tax stuff is he waiting on? If he’s filed his recent return he should be able to get his SA302 online, and the ones from previous years which is proof of income. Is he trying to hide his salary?

It's really hard to know without knowing him.

Can I ask, has he been married? And if so is he fully divorced and an Financial order in place? As youre making yourself vulnerable if not.

I would stop mentioning the move for at least a month. Youre right about listening to his behaviour rather than his words. Be cool on it and see what happens.

Also, if you agreed Spring, thats more like April tbf.

How long have you been together?

How old is his daughter?

Sounds to me like you are slightly different paths at present. The timescales you have given (you only bought your house 4 years ago) suggest you are maybe 2 years or less into a relationship. He has a lot going on with his business and he has other priorities with his preteen daughter.

It doesnt sound wrong from either perspective but from what i read he isnt in a place to join his finances in the way you would prefer. He is being quite sensible whilst maybe being a bit of a wimp not being clear with you.

My suggestion would be to look at renting your own place out and look at renting a place together. That way he hasnt got the commitment you are asking for but you give living together a proper go without you risking it all as well.

Either that or if you push my expectation is he will walk away from the relationship.

You’re giving up a lot here.

You have home-security currently. Any gain in equity you’ve had over the last four years (if there is any because house prices have dropped in many areas) could potentially be wiped out by the stamp duty on your next house and other moving costs.

You haven’t actually tried living together full time yet, what if his DD doesn’t enjoy living with you? Preteens is a REALLY tricky age and comes with massive hormonal fluctuations, a changing body and pressure in the run up to exams etc. Does SHE want this house move?

You could buy a house together (presumably nearer his area so his DD can continue at the same school), find you don’t like the area, his DD hates living with her Dad’s GF and you’ve spent all your money moving and are tied to the house and mortgage indefinitely.

Add into that the fact that your BF doesn’t seem that keen on the move anyway. Have you really thought this through?

Is there any chance you could rent your house out and also buy with him? I know that’s a big ask, but that would be good for your security just in case you needed extra peace of mind.

Do you have children of your own? Do you plan to have any with him?
Are you aware of the pros and cons of a blended family and step-parenting?

Do you want to be a full on step mum?

I expect he hasn't been filing his tax returns. Or he's been filing them but putting a very minimum income on them (whether true or not). Either of these will mean he could only borrow a small amount or possibly nothing.

What line of business is he in and how long has he had that business?

He passed all the affordability checks for a rental so thats a good start. I hope he's not hankering after you buying the property but putting it in both your names "because they won't give me a mortgage because i'm self employed".

Just to say - I don’t know the legal implications these days but many years ago before we married, DH and I bought a flat together. I put up the deposit from sale of my previous flat, and his (higher) salary gave us the ability to borrow a decent amount, far more than I could have achieved alone. We saw a solicitor and signed legal documents which specified who would get what when we sold, in case things went sour. Can’t remember the full details but I think I was due to get a higher proportion of any uplift to start with (as I had put more ££ into the property) but over time that proportion changed as he put more ££ monthly. In the end we married so didn’t use the arrangement, but it was reassuring to know already that we would have had no issues down the line.

Also, I agree with PP - don’t push it with your DP. Wait and see what he says and does - this will tell you a lot about how he feels. I can’t see how it will benefit you to rush things if he’s not ready as you have a lot more to lose in terms of your stability, cost of buying/selling etc.

Hope it all goes well for you :-)

Would be waiting to get a mortgage in principle with him before putting your house on the market.

But it sounds like he pays himself the minimum so he doesn’t have to give his ex much which is a bit of a red flag

I came to say all these things

I’m not sure if it’s procrastination or he is just working on his own schedule.

Either way though I would think very carefully about selling your own house and throwing in your lot with him and his daughter though. You have your own independence and financial stability. Don’t throw this away lightly especially if you’ve already got niggles that all may not be well.

Can you rent your place out and rent with him first? Or if you like the new area, just sell your place and buy a new one in just your name? Or could he get somewhere himself and you just move in with him for a bit- and look to buy together in a few years?

I’d also completely back off on the plans for the time being while you think things through- you’ve done your bit, now it’s time for him to get his house in order.

Also this, and it’s very common because the CSA can’t do anything about it

What’s happening with the equity on your home, are you protecting that?

Its not clear how long you have been together but unless he was contributing an equal share and earns the same as me there is no way I’d be risking my home to go in with someone who was self employed, no previous home ownership and didn’t seem that keen.

Sounds like some or all of his tax returns may have been filed late, so he may be worried about an HMRC investigation. It certainly sounds like he isn't financially ready to buy, at least. OP, I would stay where you are for a few years, and then rethink when the daughter has left school. If this relationship is meant to be, it will survive and you will still have lots of years in a joint house.

You would be insane to sell your home in order to set up a home with someone like this. God knows what he's up to financially but it's obvious that he will not be able to get a mortgage. Why would you give up all your security to move in with him and his daughter when you haven't lived together before, he clearly isn't transparent financially and the odds are his daughter won't want to live with you anyway? Do you have any idea how difficult it would be to break up? You would be the one to move out - you know that, don't you?

There might be something he isn't telling you perhaps? Is he secretive about things like his child support arrangements or income or debts?

Your opening post reads like a list of reasons for you to not do this. 🚩

Keep the security that you have with your own house and don't endanger that by going in with a self employed boyfriend who either makes no money or who has been false accounting to make it look like he has no money.

We don’t know him op, but this procrastination is potentially because he is an abhorrent human being who has been hiding his actual income to both avoid paying taxes, and to avoid paying the correct maintenance amount to his ex. Only potentially of course, he may well be wonderful and is just waiting for whatever as he says. I would sit back and watch a bit first.

I think you’ve missed a bullet with his faffing. Keep your own house.

For goodness sake, don’t buy together unless you’ve seen a solicitor and agreed the basis on which you’re buying together, contributing to costs and what would happen if you separate. Approach this like a business transaction. Because that’s what it is.

@plentyofsunshine I expect he hasn't been filing his tax returns. Or he's been filing them but putting a very minimum income on them (whether true or not). Either of these will mean he could only borrow a small amount or possibly nothing.

Yes, it sounds like that. Has he been taking payments in cash and not declaring it on his returns? That would leave him with a very low official salary for mortgage (or maintenance) calculations.

Or 'leaving money in the business' can also be a way of saying there is no money in the business for him to take a proper salary. It doesn't sound great either way and I'd be careful about tying myself to him financially.

You're putting your current relative security at risk, for someone who is at best evasive about your future together.
Simple answer: DON'T!!