Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Is my boyfriend making excuses not to buy a house with me?

160 replies

LemonBelly · 19/02/2026 09:06

I own my own house, have done for 4 years now. My boyfriend rents and has a preteen daughter.

We decided this year, after lots of thought and discussion, we want to move in together and want to buy rather than rent. We spend most of the time between each others houses anyway but live an hour apart, we are very much a family without the joint house right now.

We chatted about timings and set loose plans that spring is a good time to sell/buy so the first step for me was to get my house valued, which I did. My boyfriend owns his own business and has done for nearly 3 years, but from what I understand he doesn’t take much of a monthly wage, he only takes what he needs and leaves as much as he can within the business. He was concerned that it would be hard to get a mortgage without proof of income but I did a bit of research and it’s not as black and white as that, they can look at the business income etc.

He said his next steps were to file his tax returns and then meet with his accountant. I waited a couple of weeks since that conversation and then asked him how it all went, he said fine and yes he met with his accountant who said all should be fine for a mortgage. And that was the end of that. I asked him a couple of days later what the next steps are, because I don’t want to put my house on the market too hastily, he said he’s waiting to hear back about his tax stuff and then he will let me know and we can book a meeting in with my mortgage advisor. But gave no timelines and no real commitment. It’s hard to explain but he was very flippant about it.

I decided to communicate to him that I felt like he wasn’t as in to this as I am and that it’s fine if he wants to wait, but he said no he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.

I don’t know why I feel so bothered by it, because he’s saying the right things and is doing things to progress. Maybe it’s my lack of understanding about how it works when you own a business or a bit of insecurity. I don’t know what I’m asking for really, some reassurance that I’m going mad and overthinking

OP posts:

Heronwatcher · 19/02/2026 10:34

Also where do he and his daughter live at the moment? Is she at school? Would you be moving to “their” area? What are relations like with his ex?

If he is renting couldn’t he move half way between you and his DD so you can have less of a distance between your houses (half an hour). Or couldn’t he move in with you for a trial period first and maybe try to save a deposit himself?

HarlanCobenDogshit · 19/02/2026 10:37

Where is the deposit coming from?

Have you seen evidence of his?

Please don't do this if all your equity is the only deposit.

OoooopsUpsideYourHead · 19/02/2026 10:37

You really need to say how long you've been together OP because it is relevant.

Sishere · 19/02/2026 10:38

How long have you been together?

Sishere · 19/02/2026 10:40

He has a child
She will be his number 1 priority by a country margin
He is no doubts having doubts relating to her.

Will his daughter have to move schools?

dragonbreaths · 19/02/2026 10:41

fingers crossed the 24 Hours in Police Custody cameras are around

sorry this was for Andrew thread

LoveWine123 · 19/02/2026 10:41

Why not live together first, OP? You could have them live at your house for a period of time to make sure all three of you are certain? Even if your house if not 100% suitable, it’s still a good a test of how you all handle challenges together. You seem to be rushing ahead of him a bit…

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 19/02/2026 10:42

Are you planning on getting married? I would do this first. If you're not absolutely don't move in with him. If you're are don't sell your house until you are. Get legal advice. This sounds like a very bad idea ATM.

HappyFace2025 · 19/02/2026 10:42

Putting your house on the market having owned for such a short time may mean you are losing money, especially when accounting for the costs of buying and selling and the fact that the market has bombed. Of course, the area you live in may have escaped the down turn but that still doesn't mean you will not lose money. But as others have said, there are too many red flags with your boyfriend and his daughter. Living apart for the time being sounds sensible.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 19/02/2026 10:44

'he would move in with me tomorrow if he could.'

is that actually what he said

listen to and understand his words

the title of your thread is about buying a house with him not him moving in with you...

DysmalRadius · 19/02/2026 10:44

Im not going to give details on his DD situation but I know that DD wants to live with us and wants to move house, and I’m not stupid to think it will be sunshine and rainbows always. We spend a lot of time together, I’ve seen the good and the bad. And no he’s not reducing his wage so he gives less child support, I know that for sure.

Does she live with him full time? Is her mum involved in her life?

If she's a pre teen, she will be unlikely to have much of an idea of the reality of living with a relative stranger, so I wouldn't set too much store by what she says at the moment.

Assuming you're moving to the area they already live in, do you have friends or family there?

TeachesOfPeaches · 19/02/2026 10:49

OP you are living the dream that many women will never achieve - the opportunity to own a house comfortably on their own. Your plan is to give that up for what exactly?

Silverbirchleaf · 19/02/2026 10:49

I don’t if he’s stalling, or just taking his time to sort things out. However, have you had The Big Money talk. Ie. What’s it’s going to all cost, Huw much each is contributing to the mortgage, deposit, bills, spending money etc .

He has a preteen daughter - how often will she stay? Does he pay more because of the extra bedroom? Or will the house be 59:50 and he just pays more in bills

Solost92 · 19/02/2026 10:51

Surely you both need to apply for a mortgage in principle to know whether he's mortgagable? They will tell you what documents they need. What tax stuff could he possibly be waiting for that would hold up applying for a mortgage.

Beachtastic · 19/02/2026 10:52

It's quite common for self-employed people with their own limited company to take an annual salary of £12,750 and pay themselves dividends for the rest, as needed. This is the most tax-efficient approach because it keeps NI payments low but still builds the state pension record, and dividends are taxed at a lower rate.

For mortgage purposes, he will probably need an accountant's certificate to independently verify income and confirm the company's financial health. This can't be done just by producing tax overviews.

Accountants can be slow - I waited a month for a certificate from mine.

So I don't think there's anything nefarious about his financial situation. However, living together is a very different kettle of fish from seeing a lot of each other, especially with a child involved (however keen she is!). I'd definitely try it out (e.g. renting) before buying a home with him.

Happyjoe · 19/02/2026 10:52

Don't rush anything right now. Let him now lead the way - and if he doesn't do much now then you already know where his head is despite what he may say.

Luvmusic · 19/02/2026 10:53

I thought taxi returns had to be submitted by the end of January? Check out the gov.uk website where there is lots of accessible, easy to read info on tax returns. Be very, very careful.

Dozer · 19/02/2026 10:55

You’re saying you’re not giving details about his DC, but things like whether he pays maintenance, how he is with his ex and why his DC wants to live full time with him matter.

There are potential red flags. The things you’re putting off should all be done in detail before going further.

Gambling your housing and financial security is unwise, especially (but not only) if you want biological DC.

Beachtastic · 19/02/2026 10:55

Luvmusic · 19/02/2026 10:53

I thought taxi returns had to be submitted by the end of January? Check out the gov.uk website where there is lots of accessible, easy to read info on tax returns. Be very, very careful.

A company tax return (CT600) must be filed within 12 months of the end of the company's accounting period. So e.g. if the accounting period ends on 31 March 2025, the CT600 is due by 31 March 2026.

MiaKulper · 19/02/2026 10:57

We want to move in together and want to buy rather than rent.
Live together before buying together.

We spend most of the time between each others houses anyway but live an hour apart, we are very much a family without the joint house right now.
You currently both have your boltholes.
Living with is far more full-on than staying over. You'd be adding a child who is not yours into the mix and step-parenting is not easy.

he doesn’t take much of a monthly wage, he only takes what he needs and leaves as much as he can within the business.
Completely normal if he has his own business.
If you have children with him and split up, CMS will probably be based on his income.

But gave no timelines and no real commitment. It’s hard to explain but he was very flippant about it.
It's a huge step and you are rushing it.

If it goes pear-shaped, you're the one who'll be hurt the most financially.

Bonkers1966 · 19/02/2026 11:00

Slow things down and match his energy. It may just be paperwork that's causing an issue but it may be other things. Don't chase it. Let him come to you with suggestions for next steps. You will know soon enough if something isn't quite right. You have your own place so one of the lucky ones

Original poster

LemonBelly · 19/02/2026 11:00

We’ve been together for nearly 3 years, have known each other 6 years through mutual friends

He cant live at my house because of his daughter, she’d be an hour from her school and mum. He has 50:50 custody but usually ends up being more like 70% with him and relationship with mum is fine, they coparent well and have been for almost a decade. I can’t live at his house in the week because it would be 2 hours commute to my work. But we spend most of the time back and forward to each others houses and I stay with him Friday to Sunday.

I’m not at all a stranger to DD, of course there will be adjustment for everyone but she is excited and talks about living together frequently.

We have discussed a few areas that are mostly inbetween us which will make travel time reasonable for everyone and yes I have friends in the area. I’m not giving up friends and family for the move, I’d actually be in a better position to visit my parents from that location.

I don’t believe I will make a loss on my house judging off sales of other similar houses in my area and the valuations I had done. But obviously you never know

I’m not in a rush and I am happy to wait, I was more confused about where he stands on it all. I’m not going to mention it again and just focus on myself and work etc, when he’s ready he will tell me and we can go from there

OP posts:

MiaKulper · 19/02/2026 11:01

@Luvmusic, 31 Jan deadline is for Self-Assessment.

InMyOodie · 19/02/2026 11:02

I don’t know what tax stuff he’s waiting on, I don’t really understand it

I would suggest until you do understand it, and his full financial situation, you shouldn't buy a house with him.

It doesn't sound like he's been very open about his position either.

Sishere · 19/02/2026 11:02

Not even 3 years together and you live an hour away and he has a young child.

My god… he’s got his head screwed on not jumping at this

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7